Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure
by Master of the Boot
Summary: Alucard is ancient and has triumphed over many enemies. But is even the No-Life King a match for a mysterious entity that calls itself Q? Find out.
1. Bad Dream

Order Q: Trek Adventure

Disclaimer: The entity known as Master of the Boot Owns Nothing

Except maybe a pair of boots.

Alucard sat in the rear of the Vatican plane. In front him lay his magnificent jet black coffin. Next to that was the far more humble coffin of his fledgling Seras Victoria. Pip, the French mercenary was up front, acting as their pilot. Which was a good thing, Alucard didn't enjoy Pip's company any more than he did. At the moment, Alucard was asleep.

For a vampire, sleep means a very different thing than it does to a human. For humans, sleep is a restful time when the mind and body are rejuvenated. For vampires, relaxation and sleep are two foreign concepts. While their bodies lie catatonic, the vampires mind will usually cast about like some hellish radar detector, ever watchful for danger. When vampires do dream, their dreams are tumultuous and tormenting, leaving the vampire mentally more exhausted than when they fell asleep.

For Alucard, his dreams were just that, tormenting. He dreamed of the man who enslaved him to the Hellsing family, the original Van Helsing. He heard the horrid man's voice before he saw his face.

"All flesh is grass. And all the comeliness thereof as the flower of the field. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth but the word of our God abideth forever"! And then the stake was thrust through his heart.

Dracula's scream was cut short as brackish blood gushed from his mouth. The initial surge of pain gone, Dracula's bloodshot eyes looked up at this human who so aptly pretended to be righteous. "Have I been bested"? It was as much a question as it was a challenge. Even in this state, Dracula longed to push the buttons of others.

The Dutchman answered, "Yes, you are bested. This is not a nightmare for you to wake from. Your castle is plundered, your dominions in ruin and your servants dead to the last". Van Helsing's blue eyes shone nearly as bright as Dracula's own red ones. "The girl has fled these lands, she will never be yours".

Dracula chose his words carefully, "Fuck Mina and her disease ridden husband Harker, their marriage is nothing but a farce. I hope they die, painfully". Clearly this was not the answer the old man had expected. Lunging out in anger, Van Helsing grabbed the stake in his hands and twisted it like a screw driver.

This sent a wave of even more intense pain coursing through the Count's body. The elderly vampire started to spasm like an eel. Abraham grabbed Dracula's collar and held him close. "Miserable no-life king, everything you had is not gone". Dracula spat in Abraham's eye.

And then the dream changed. Alucard was no longer Count Dracula. Instead he was now Vlad the impaler. He stood on the battle field surveying the devastation that he and his army had caused. Sure the Turks had beaten him before, but that had not been the end as they had assumed. He'd abandoned his troops when victory seemed impossible. Vlad had returned with another army, better prepared. Now it was the Turks who fled before his might. It made him laugh almost.

Suddenly, Vlad the impaler was plucked off of the battlefield in a white flash of light. Utterly shocked, Vlad surveyed his new surroundings. His armor and vestments of royalty were stripped of him. She stood only dressed in a tattered pair of trousers and shackles. He was locked in a dungeon. He recognized this dungeon; it was the dungeon of his own castle! Suddenly the door was thrown open and two strange figures stepped in. They were two guards, turbaned and dressed in Turkish armor, but their faces were hidden by bizarre masks and their eyes were a muddy yellow.

Not one to take things lying down Vlad jumped up and attacked his would be guards. He struck a blow that should have crushed a windpipe, but the guard merely struck back. The punch hit Vlad in the stomach, dropping him to the ground. The two guards then started to drag him along like a sack of potatoes.

Before long, Vlad was hauled into one of Castle Dracula's great halls where he was greeted by the sight of commoners. "Help me"! He cried out. But the sickly, filthy peasants only laughed at his pleas and proceeded to humiliate him. Rocks and rotten fruit pelted Vlad. He twitched and thrashed but his guards held him fast; making sure that he took his medicine.

Finally the guards dragged Vlad into the throne room of Castle Dracula. Like the other rooms he had passed, this room was full of peasants eager to humiliate and taunt him. The throne room was different however; wooden stands had been set up. In the stands sat the minor nobility of Transylvania. Also in the stands were minor nobility from, Hungary, Germany, England, Russia, from the Far East, from the Middle East, from North America, and all of them hardly looking in better condition than the peasants.

Suddenly a great gong sounded out three times and everybody in the room lay quiet. Except for one person who threw a last tomato at Vlad. The humiliation was terrible; it was almost a physical feeling of sickness. The great doors leading into the hall opened and Vlad couldn't help but gape.

He flew in on a levitating thrown carved from beautiful and expensive woods which could not be found on this earth. It looked to Vlad like the thrown of a judge. Then he laid eyes for the first time on the figure sitting on the thrown. It was a man, dressed in robes of black and maroon, definitely derived from the robes of a Vatican inquisitor. On his head he wore an official looking hat with a flat top and a large gold chain around his neck.

Finally the thrown ceased moving and began to hover just in front of Vlad. The man held out his hands and with a voice dripping in showmanship, "Representatives of humanity" Every person in the room cheered. The man went on, "We are here today to observe the punishment of Vlad The Impaler the Third".

Vlad screamed in outrage, "Punishment, what punishment have I warranted. I who bested the Turks and defended Christendom time and time again"!

The man laughed with the joviality of a game show host, "He dares to make a false claim to innocence". More laughter erupted at this statement. "Quit simply, dear Vlad, you are the very worst of a barbaric and childlike species". His voice and demeanor then became far more serious, "And for your crimes in the multitude, you are condemned to everlasting life".

Alucard woke. He looked around, nothing. He was still Alucard of Hellsing, not Count Dracula of Vlad the Impaler, just Alucard. "Just a dream", he murmured. If only it were the case. The dream had left Alucard with a bad feeling and a worse taste in his mouth. He murmured again, to reassure himself, "Only a dream".


	2. Enter Q

Hellsing Trek

Chapter 2: Let there be Q

Disclaimer: Integra owns Hellsing not me!

The meeting took place on the outskirts of London. Specifically, the Royal Family Villa, Krauney House. In this place were gathered the representatives of the government of England and those of the Vatican. In a certain hall in the villa, a massive table had been prepared specifically for the representatives. On one side of the table sat all the members of the round table conference, clandestine manipulators of England's destiny. On the other side of the table sat Enrico Maxwell, leader of the Vatican's black ops division, Section 13. Sitting at one of the table's ends was Integra Hellsing, master of the great Alucard. Opposite to Integra, elevated on a pedestal was none other than her majesty, the Queen of England.

The volume in the room was low but the tension was high. In truth, they were all waiting. They were waiting for Integra's pet vampire to return from the chaos in Brazil. Maxwell and his entourage however, had little faith that the vampire would arrive any time soon.

Her majesty then issued to Integra, "Sir Hellsing, has he _still_ not arrived yet"?

To this Integra replied, "No your majesty he has not, but I believe that he will be here very soon".

"Perhaps it vas a bad idea to use Anderson as messenger"? Heinkel Wolfe, Judas assassin, said to her boss Enrico.

Maxwell immediately shot her down, "No". The long haired Italian continued, "As of this present crisis we are very short on people to trust. We are running with our hands tied in circles. The influence of the Letztes Battalion runs extremely deep. Their collaborators are everywhere; governments, militaries, the economic world, religious institutions, everywhere". Maxwell snorted, "I wouldn't be surprised if Millennium owns half of these protestant swine", indicating the round table members. And in a much quieter voice, "Or the Vatican for that matter".

Suddenly the great doors of the hall were kicked open by none other than Alucard, the mighty No-life king and the Hellsing Organization's greatest weapon against the undead. Next to him stood the French mercenary Pip Bernadotte and his own fledgling, Seras Victoria. Grinning his trademark grin Alucard announced to his Integra, "I have just returned, my master".

Integra was simply glad to have her vampire back, "I'm glad that you've returned my servant". Her tone turned somber, "You stand before the Queen, remove your sunglasses now". Alucard of course had no choice but to comply, however he did not try to resist her order.

Alucard looked to her majesty as though she were some old friend newly remembered. He began to make his way to the throne. Myriad guards attempted to keep him back but were met with no recognition. "Let him be", her majesty's orders prevented any further attempts to hamper Alucard's progress. Finally Alucard stood before the Queen, his tall spindly frame made her majesty look small. The Queen then broke the silence before him, "It's been a long time, vampire".

"Yes, it has. Fifty years and in that time you've become Queen".

The old woman stretched out her hands, "Let's have a look at your face". Alucard obliged, getting down on one knee. Her majesty's aged hands ran over Alucard's face, which was actually younger than when last they had met. "Still the same vampire. Look at _me_ now, just a wrinkled old woman. So very old".

Alucard smiled like a regular ladies man, "You're still the same saucy filly from fifty years ago, young lady. If anything, you've become more beautiful". Enrico Maxwell shuddered; displays like this made him wish that Oliver Cromwell had finished the job and killed all the royal family.

"Deliver your report, vampire".

So Alucard retold what had been told to him in South America by the blood of his foe, Dandy man. "Once upon a time there was an insane major in the SS. He said, "Let us make an army of immortal soldiers. Let us make an army of invulnerable soldiers. He and those who followed him strove towards their goal with blood swilling around their ankles and madness dominating their thoughts".

Alucard paused, "Eventually the major and those who followed him were silenced. They were exterminated by me and Walter", he pointed to the Hellsing butler. "However, it would seem that a few rats escaped the initial carnage and continued about their work. And in all the while, they've been expanding their cadre of followers and supporters, continuing their weird and perverse experiments. And now, they have succeeded; they now hold the means to create artificial vampires at great number. They call themselves the Letztes Battalion. Fittingly named, for they are the last remnant of Hitler's Third Reich".

At that moment, every single person in the room turned their heads to a strange figure that had not been there a moment ago. There, standing in the middle of the conference table was a boy in Hitler youth uniform with a pair of live, twitching cat ears! The catboy announced in a boyish, happy voice, "Tubalcain's blood showed me the vay here. I guess he vas good for something after all".

Immediately, every gun in the room was raised and ready to fire at the little Nazi fiend. But the catboy didn't seem the least bit phased by this; he merely raised his arms and said in a chiding voice, "Vait, I'm just a messenger, not here to fight you".

Integra fought back towering rage, resisting the urge to bash the uppity catboy's head in with the nearest piece of metal, "Walter, how did this, thing, get in here".

Walter was apologetic, "Our security was flawless, there are no signs of a break-in".

The catboy scoffed, "Save it, I'm everywhere and novhere". At that very moment, the course of time itself was altered. Peals of laughter began to ring out from nowhere, confusing everyone in the room, even the catboy.

The laughter ceased and was replaced by a sly depreciating voice, "Oh, so sorry Schrodinger, but I'm afraid that omnipresence just isn't enough to impress the crowds these days".

Schrodinger's cat ears twitched with irritation, "So you say, come down here and say that to me Herr Voice".

The disembodied voice smoothly responded, "Gladly, Warrant Officer Schrodinger". That was when it appeared. Whatever it was, nobody in the room knew what to call it, except ugly. It was ugly; it was a hideous mass of waving tentacles and claws. A cluster of eyes and strange sensory organs served as an analogy for a head. A pair of tentacles shot out and tore Schrodinger apart as if he were a doll.

Every gun in the room fired at the hideous beast but it gave no sigh that it noticed their attempts to kill it. Its tentacles waved about in whimsical patterns, as if the creature were listening to a song inside of its mind. A terrible gurgling voice came from the multitude of mouths, "_**Too much, I can fix that**_".

There was a white flash of light and the creature instantly transformed into a trio of armor clad beings. The three beings were tremendously tall, at least eight feet each. All of them were massively broad. Their black armor radiated with timed pulses of energy. Their breathing sounded like an aqua lung circulating mud. The middle of the trio spoke in a deep gurgling voice, "**Still too much, I'll try again**".

This time, the three beings transformed into Tyrannosaurs Rex. Everybody in the room except for Alucard jumped backwards. Finally the disembodied voice spoke out, "Well, I guess there's no avoiding it now". There was a flash of light and all the damage done by the tentacle 

monstrosity and the dinosaur was repaired. Integra had been displaced as the head of the conference table. In her place sat a man with dark hair and green eyes. His expression was one of knowing mischievousness. He was in town to start a riot. He spoke up, in the very same voice as the one which had preceded the tentacle monster, "Oh I'm very sorry, did I miss anything"?

And that wraps up this chapter. Next I'll work on my other story, the Big Hellsing. While I'm at it I have a little contest. Review and send me descriptions of bizarre alien monsters that Q will release in the Hellsing manor. First three in will feature majorly while others will make cameo appearances. But hurry, this contest only lasts until the next chapter comes out.


	3. Q's Neighborhood

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter 3: Q's neighborhood

Disclaimer: If I don't put this up, what's the worst they can do?

The man who had just displaced Sir Integra at the table merely smiled. He fed off of everyone's shock. But he couldn't help notice that only one person in the room was not shocked. However, his reverie was interrupted by the harsh voice of Integra Hellsing. "You, who or whatever you are, identify yourself immediately".

"Or what Integra, you'll beat me senseless"?

Integra was livid, "If you do not state your name and intent right this moment, then only you will be responsible for your death".

He paused to adjust his tie and dust down his black and maroon suit. "As for my name, I could introduce myself, but there is a man, if you can call him a man, here in this room who knows me". Q looked up, staring strait ahead at Alucard, who now stood still as a statue. "Alucard, would you do me the honor"?

Alucard was choking on bile. His hatred for this being was great, greater than anyone in the room could have fathomed. "Q, his name is Q. And I hate him as much as I hate myself".

Q just shrugged, "Oh Vlad, you know as well as I do that self loathing is a normal and healthy part of being human. Oops, I forgot, you're no longer human. Thanks to me".

Just when it looked like Alucard was going to explode, Seras butted in. "Now wait a moment, your name is Q. Is that like, an initial or something"?

Q looked at Seras as if she were an idiot, "No it's not an initial. Q is my actual name".

Seras was unsure, "So, you're a letter of the alphabet"? She was still trying to recover from the shock in South America. There were a lot of things that she was trying to adjust to, clandestine vampire hunting groups, her master's brutality, a psychotic regenerating priest and the massive amounts of body hair she seemed to have grown on her body since becoming a vampire.

"Sorry ducky, but your small mind just can't grasp it. Q is my name as close as can be translated in English. My real name is actually four light years long in size twelve font. Since you're a vampire, I guess that you and I have all the time in the world to learn my real name". 

Unfortunately, Seras had no intention of spending the next three hundred million years pronouncing a name.

She politely turned down Q's offer, "Um, thanks, but no thanks".

Q suddenly swapped placed with Seras in a flash of white light. "Ah well, you know what losers say".

Seras, sitting in the chair first occupied by Integra was thoroughly confused. "I'm sorry but I don't follow".

So Q explained it to Seras, "Losers say aaaaah".

Seras was no fool however, "Oh no you don't, I'm not saying" SPRING "AAAAAAAAGH"! The chair that Seras was sitting on was suddenly spring launched through the ceiling and across London.

Q was just about to make a snappy comment when he was shot in the head. Alucard was walking steadily forward, casull in hand and hell in his eyes. His trademark grin was gone, replaced by a cold expression. Alucard didn't just want to kill Q; he wanted to utterly destroy him.

Q looked at Alucard, not the least bit frightened. Q himself was a terrifying sight to behold. Between his eyes was a gaping wound which leaked blood. His left eye had been charbroiled by the heat of the bullet, ready to burst like the eye of a spit roasted animal. All that combined with his ivory white grin made him look strikingly similar to Alucard when he was toying with his enemies. "Why Vlad, you've gained some nerve. A hundred years ago the sight of me would have had you in a paralysis of self pity. But let me give you another free pass, just to test if you will relapse into your old cowardice".

Alucard pulled out his big black handgun, the Jackal. He fired; the first shot obliterated Q's head entirely. The second shot blew off an arm. The third blew off a leg and the final shot struck him in the groin. Q's body hit the ground, a mutilated mess. For a moment no one dared to speak, was the being Q really killed or was he merely playing games with them.

"No, I'm playing games". Everyone turned around to see Q's telltale flash of light. There he stood, arrogant as ever and perfectly healthy. "I've returned, actually I never left you". Q walked forward, his shiny black shoes clacking on the marble floor. Q then pointed to the center of the conference table where his body had landed after being shot by Alucard. "And now 

the Last Battalion is joining the party. Tell me Major, do any of your underlings have any idea how your everlasting war is really going to turn out"?

"It istquite the surprise seeing you again, Herr Q. I haff not seen you since you turned Alucard into a little girl". The inhabitants of the room now had just one more surprise thrust upon them. Schrodinger sat cross-legged on the table with a small portable viewing screen in front of him. The one that Q had called Major stood proudly on the viewing screen.

The Major was not a very impressive fellow to look at. The little fat man in a white suit standing in front of the giant swastika did not look fit to be the cause behind the epidemic of artificial vampires, but he was. "Pardon mein rudeness Herr Q, but I did not send a messenger here today to speak vith you".

Q wore a knowing smile on his face, "Yes of course I know", he turned to Alucard, "Vlad, fatty wants to have a word with you".

Alucard's continence brightened a little bit, "Hi there Major".

The Major's mad grin flashed wider, "It's been a long time Alucard. Seeing you again ist the pinnacle of gladness". Suddenly from off camera the sound of pleading could be heard, the sound of men pleading in vain for their lives. The Major shifted his attention a little bit to observe the fate of the pleading men who were not displayed on camera. The sound of gunshots and brains splattering shocked everyone in the room except for Alucard and Q; who seemed to find this amusing. Q even went so far as to conjure himself an easy chair and some popcorn.

The camera view shifted away from the major and landed on the bodies of several elderly men in high ranking Nazi uniforms. The most elderly of the men was still alive however. The fellow could not make a sound for the gag in his mouth, but his terror was quite plain. Schrodinger's high trill sounded out, "It looks like you haff your hands full there Major.

The Major's leering grin lessened a bit as he permitted himself to relax some, "It is troublesome having to deal vith superiors who are cowards. But now I find relief finally".

Alucard grinned a bit wider, forgetting some more that Q was here, "You would know Major. After all, I did you quite a favor back in forty-five".

The Major replied from off camera, "Und I never properly thanked you for that Alucard. How did you kill him again"?

It was Q who answered the major's question, "Actually it wasn't Alucard who killed Hitler. It was somebody else, Alucard just held him down". Q then manifested a soft drink in his hand, which he sipped as if were very refreshing.

Integra just shook her head slightly. Even so soon after meeting this character, Q, she was starting to realize he was just as much of a prick as Alucard. In a business like tone she addressed the Major, "You are the enemy leader then"?

The Major was back on camera now, with his perfect white teeth and shiny glasses, "Und you are the director of Hellsing. Sir Integra Hellsing, Ja"?

Integra rapidly found herself with a chip on her shoulder for this annoying little man, "What is your purpose. Why have you engaged in this daft behavior? Answer me quickly"!

Major laughed, "That, fraulein, ist one foolish question".

Q butted in, "And his answer is even more foolish".

The Major gave no sigh that he had been interrupted by the all powerful being, "Quite simply dear fraulein, we haff no ultimate goal".

Sir Irons, leader of the round table conference was outraged by this statement, "That's absurd; you must have some sort of goal or the likes. Even as a joke it's-

"SILENCE!" the Major barked. "I vas not talking to you boy. I vas talking to the young fraulein". The Major just looked at everyone as though they were fools, "Vhy, ist it so hard to believe that there exist those who desire nothing but to see the eternal orchestra of var"? With that, the Major snapped his fingers. The camera view shifted to the aged Nazi officer for the last time. With a snap of the Major's fingers the old man's fate was sealed. An entire army of artificial vampires dressed in the garb of the Waffen SS pounced on the man and tore him to pieces like wild animals to fresh meat.

From off camera, a voice called out, "Don't leave this half finished. Even him becoming a ghoul vould be bothersome".

Enrico Maxwell spoke in a dry voice, "You are all insane".

This did not deter the Major in any way, "You speak to me of Madness Chief of Section 13? My madness is guaranteed by your God. But I ask you, who guarantee's the sanity of your God".

Enrico could not think of a retort to this blasphemous statement. But Q had a retort for Enrico. "He's quite right you know. I've met him in person".

Maxwell snarled at Q, "Don't try to confuse me with your lies and misdirection, _Satana_"!

"Noooo, I'm not. It's flattering but I and the devil are two different people. You should have learned how to distinguish individuals in your first three years of life. But it seems that you didn't learn quite a few things growing up".

"I've had enough of you _diavolo_"! Maxwell cried out. With that he held out the large cross around his neck and began to chant the lord's prayer. "_I believe in God, the father almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth . . ._"

"And in Jesus Christ, His only son, our lord . . ." Q had now dressed himself up in the uniform of the Pope and was reciting the prayer with Maxwell.

Maxwell was outraged and shocked that a creature which he thought was a daemon would mock him and his church so. "Who was conceived . . . of the holy spirit".

Q's outfit had changed once more, he was now dressed as Jesus, "Born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate. . ."

"Was crucified, died . . . and . . . GOD DAMMIT. STOP MOCKING ME YOU FUCKING _LECCACAZZI_"! Maxwell had enough and screamed at Q.

Q returned back to his maroon and black suit. He looked mockingly apologetic, "Don't get mad at me Bishop. I was there to meet your God when he first arrived on this planet".

"Shut up, you know nothing of God"!

"I know everything about the being that set itself up as your God. I know that he was very powerful, but not omnipotent. And I know that he's currently dead and the universe is better for it". Maxwell began to curse in Italian but Q cut him short, "You don't look so good, I think you'd better rest".

"What are you talking about"?

Q said more slowly, "You look bad. You should rest". Suddenly, Maxwell's body heat spiked and sweat started to pour down his body like he just got out of the shower. A powerful fever gripped Maxwell's body and he was astounded.

"I, I think, I think . . ." Maxwell fell back into his seat. He said weakly, "I need to sleep". With that, Heinkel began to drag Maxwell away. Soon they were off to a nice hotel, since he was too sick to travel much.

"I'm glad you got rid of him", the Major said.

"Don't celebrate yet little man; I plan to get rid of you very soon".

Rather than be worried about Q's threat the Major seemed excited, "Ah yes, vhat vill you do Q. What vill you do, Loki. Vill you cause a plague of nanites, unleash the gravemind, dump the Borg on our heads"? He was frothing with excitement.

"Well, on any other day I'd do all three. But not today. I just want to take it easy. And don't call me that, I hate it when people can't pronounce my name and just make one up". With that, Q snapped his fingers and his will was done. Suddenly the Major began to flap his arms like wings and peck the ground like a chicken. The whole time making, "cluck, cluck, cluck" noises.

The holder of the camera dropped everything and ran towards his leader. With the camera rolling on its side, they had an incomplete view of a guy running towards the major. He looked to be half mad scientist and half gay porn star. "Gott in himmell, Major, Major"! Then the screen was filled with static and went black.

Schrodinger was left holding an inactive screen. "Vhat do I do now"? He wondered aloud.

Q said, "Hold still".

"Vhat"? Q snapped his fingers and suddenly, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and reduced Schrodinger to a blackened skeleton which promptly vanished.

Q looked at the mayhem he had caused and felt thoroughly satisfied. Integra was still having a hard time believing all of this but it looked like Alucard was mentally preparing himself for upcoming torment. Q smiled, "Well, I'll see you all at the Hellsing Manor. Prepare yourself Alucard". And he was gone in a flash of white light.

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Well, that about wraps it up. Next I'll work on the next chapter of my other story. All reviews are welcomed and encouraged. Review or Q will banish me to a not-nice place. And I realize that this isn't the first Hellsing Twilight crossover, only the second.


	4. Imaginary Menagerie

Hellsing Trek

Chapter 4: Imaginary Menagerie

Disclaimer: Take it up with Gene Roddenberry and Kohta Hirano

The ride back to the Hellsing manor was a thoroughly miserable affair. Seras had just returned after the creature Q had vanished. She'd been looking for payback but instead came up with the realization that she was a few steps behind everyone else.

Seras rode in the car with Integra, much to her regret. Integra's rage was a palpable force in the air which was really too much for the young vampire. Suddenly Integra's cell phone began to ring and she answered, though she seriously considered answering the phone with "Fuck you" instead of "Hello". So, Integra just settled on a stern, "Yes".

"Sir Integra, we have a serious problem here at the mansion"! The caller cried out frantically above the din of what seemed to be the sound of rodents.

Integra frowned in confusion, "What's happening, speak quickly".

"There are these . . . things. They're attacking us and the manor. We can't stop them they're breeding too quickly"!

Integra could still remember the attack by the Valentine brothers and the memory was a painful one. There was no way that she would lose a single man to the hideous beasts that Q summoned from the depths of space. She looked at Walter and yelled, "Step on it Walter, we're in a hurry".

The aging butler calmly replied, "Dually noted Sir Integra". Without warning Walter slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The old man clutched at the steering wheel like a mountain climber hanging on for dear life. Cars that had previously kept pace with them now seemed to be standing still as they faced the vehicular wrath of Walter C. Dornez, the Hellsing retainer.

Seras looked to Integra as though she had expected something different. Walter tore up the side of the highway, completely ignoring all speed regulations and the safety of other drivers. He weaved the car through traffic with the skills of a sewing maiden while bouncing up and down in his seat like an excited child. Integra noticed Seras worried expression, "Don't worry Seras, if we crash you'll regenerate. I'll be the one that dies".

Seras was hardly comforted by Integra's words. In her naïve mind formed an image of herself and Integra as hamburger meat on the floor of the car and Alucard trying to separate the 

parts. Walter in the meanwhile didn't think that they were going fast enough on the right side of the road so he decided to drive on the wrong side of the road. Walter turned around to reassure Sir Integra while cars swerved to avoid head on collisions. "Don't worry Sir Integra; this is quite routine for me. You're in good hands".

Integra just screamed back, "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD".

Walter looked ahead just in time to avoid hitting a passing truck that would have killed both of the human passengers in the vehicle and given the lone vampiric passenger a serious headache. "Ever so sorry Sir Integra, my reflexes aren't what they used to be". At that moment, Walter turned sharply to the right, cutting off two vehicles and for a moment leaving Integra thinking that they were going to cross over to the other side.

Finally they began to reach the outskirts of London. Here there were a smaller number of cars on the road so Walter did less cutting off and passing. Walter seemed to calm down, though this did not cause him to slow down or to drive on the right side of the road. Finally the large gates of the Hellsing manor loomed in the distance. Integra's pulse dropped by several beats seeing them so close to their destination.

There were two guards at the gate, who were behaving as if nothing was wrong. The two soldiers jumped out of the way as Walter slammed on the brakes and came within a whisper of slamming into the sturdy iron gates. Rolling down the window Walter said in a commanding voice, "Open this door quickly. We have an emergency within the Hellsing manor"!

"Right away sir", the first soldier rattled off with military briskness. The huge gates swung open and once more Walter burned rubber. Turning sharply Walter put the vehicle into a sharp and dangerous skid. By skill or luck, the car screeched to a halt right in front of the manor's main doors. Integra and Seras unbuckled themselves, only too glad to be away from Walter Dornez, the Hellsing driver. Integra raced through the doors with her handgun drawn. Two soldiers on patrol saw Integra in her breathless frenzy and looked quite surprised.

Integra barked at the two shocked Hellsing troops, "You men, this mansion is under attack why are you not defending this place with your lives".

The senior of the two was stunned by Integra's legendary rage, "S-Sir Integra, it's all perfectly safe".

"Safe you say! One of my men is in trouble in this very manor".

The junior of the two said in a sheepish voice, "Well, Jenkins did some screaming five minutes ago but they said he'd be okay".

Integra snapped at the soldier; spit flying from her mouth, "Jenkins, where the hell is he"!

"I think he's in the kitchen or-

Integra turned around and screamed, "POLICEGIRL"!

Seras snapped to attention, "Yes Sir Integra! Coming Sir Integra"! She was as terrified of Integra as the soldiers.

"Get to the kitchen and kill all that threaten my people". Seras ran off like lightening. She pointed her gun at the senior soldier, making him duck, "You men, come with me". The three of them took off at breakneck speed after Seras. After many twists and turns they reached the kitchen where the screams were coming from.

Integra kicked open the door and scanned the room with her handgun. In opening the door she had caused the large steel contraption to slam a soldier in the back of the head. He fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes while his comrades looked fearfully at their flustered leader. Integra would never shoot any of her people without good reason, but they didn't know that.

Integra was confused, "What's happening, where are all the space beasts". One man, a colonel approached Integra slowly, as if sudden movements would cause her to shoot.

The colonel said to her, "Approximately twenty minutes ago we heard screaming from a Private Jenkins. We found that he had something down his shirt". Behind them, Jenkins screamed again. Integra got a good look of what was attacking Jenkins. He seemed to be surrounded by little balls of fur that made cute squeaking noises. He screamed and thrashed while trying to reach into his pockets.

A moment later Jenkins pulled out two more fur balls from his pockets, which seemed to be clinging somehow to a chocolate bar he'd been saving for later. Free of the deadly fur balls, Jenkins ran towards his fellow men. Breathing heavily from fear, he now had to put up with merciless taunting. The colonel alongside Integra made the first jibe, "What's wrong private? Were those things too big for "Kill-em-All" Jenkins to handle"?

Jenkins response was the same for the next dozen jibes that came at him "Fuck you, fuck you all! I fucking hate little furry things".

Integra's yell broke the humorous atmosphere, "Will somebody please explain to me what the hell is going on or at least what the hell happened".

Jenkins started, hoping that he being the first to answer would grant him back some of his manliness. "Well sir Integra, I came up here at thirteen hundred hours to investigate the kitchen staff's reports of a bright flash of light". He licked his lips, "Upon arrival I discovered that there were several small spherical life forms about the kitchen, they seemed to be feeding". He then brought up the worst point of the attack, "I was then ambushed by several of the creatures as they dropped from the ceiling".

The man who had investigated the original screams laughed, "What! Attack? They fell from the ceiling and fell down your shirt you miserable wanker". More laughs erupted at this.

Jenkins yelled at the man, "Fuck you Driscoll! Nobody asked you anything".

Integra looked to Jenkins and said in a calmer voice, "Please continue".

"After I was **attacked**, I was able to rescue myself without any help from Private Driscoll. Soon after I discovered that the things had multiplied and were eating all the rations. Naturally I called my fellow soldiers to help with the infestation. On my second trip back, a pair of the creatures climbed my uniform to access two _Mars Bars_ that I had on my person". He straightened, unsure of Integra's reaction.

Integra didn't get a chance to respond, Alucard suddenly materialized in the room. He looked down at the soldier and his fellows, "Miserable cowards, unable to kill mere rodents and unwilling to help a comrade. It's no wonder that so many of you died last week". The soldiers looked darkly at the elder Nosferatu but knew to hold their tongues, the botched raid last week was still a sore point for the troops.

At that moment, the police girl stumbled into the room, "Sorry Sir Integra, I took a wrong turn and realized I didn't know where the kitchen was".

Alucard reprimanded his fledgling, "I told you on the first day, Police girl, that you should learn your way around this mansion. Clearly knowing where to go is not a high priority for you". Seras looked sad, almost as sad if Alucard had shot her puppy dog.

Suddenly a flash of white light heralded the appearance of Q, this time dressed as a British general instead of appearing in his usual maroon business suit. "What's going on here? This sort of riffing and raffing is not fit for a British military establishment. Get rid of these tribbles on the double now". The fake moustache he wore twitched dramatically as he spoke.

Integra stared down the omnipotent being, "You're no general Q, you're just a charlatan".

"I'm not a general, Integra. That counts as your only correct statement".

Integra felt her anger bubble at the alien being, "What are you-

"Earlier this day you thought I was sadu-hem, then you thought I was a trio of Xar scouts and finally a tyrannosaurs rex. When in fact I was none of the above".

Alucard swooped in on Q. This would have had a lesser being scared beyond belief. But this was not a lesser being; this was Q, of the Q continuum. To him, Alucard's scare tactics were cheap. Q exhaled sharply and Alucard was sent flying backwards, slamming into one of the kitchen's sturdier walls. Alucard recovered immediately and pulled both his handguns out. He began to fire his weapons rapid fire at Q, who blocked the bullets with his bare hands. The entity grinned at Alucard, his military uniform changing with a flash of light back into the maroon and black suit.

Alucard was seething at his inability to harm Q. He knew that even with all of his powers unleashed he could never harm Q. Q just tutted, "Quite the temper you've acquired Alucard. It looks like all the years of torture you endured under Abraham have really given your fighting spirit a boost".

Integra glared at Q, "What do you want"?

"What do I want"! Q cried out in an exaggerated voice, "I want to have a jolly good time". Q then turned into a stereotypical Englishman, complete with bowler hat and umbrella. Q just stood there posing, as though the expected laughter. Moments and moment's passed but the effect that Q had desired never came to pass. He looked around the room, "Nothing, nothing at all"?

Various words of negative response met Q's ears and his expression grew dark, "Oh the hell with this". His Monty Python outfit vanished and was replaced the garb of an official of Russian Orthodox Church. Every eye in the room marveled at the pitch black priest's robe Q wore, complete with a flat topped hate identical to the one he wore at Alucard's trial.

Alucard recognized this particular brand of priest's robes, "The Russian clergy use those black robes at funerals. Whose funeral are you planning Q"?

"Alucard you know better, those orthodox priests wear black no matter what. A funeral and a wedding are no different to them. As it ought to be I might add".

Q shot a malicious glare at Integra, there was no more humor or camp on his face anymore, "Now to answer your first question, I'm prepared to celebrate the funeral of Private Mortimer Jenkins".

Integra aimed her gun at Q's heart, over which he wore a massive gold cross, "You'll do no such thing. You'll tell us your intent and then leave here permanently".

Q's priestly robes looked blacker now, as if they were woven from the fabric of a black hole, "I could tell you what I want but I would much rather make a game of this whole affair". Q then turned towards Jenkins, who had been trying to get out of sight, "And as always, when I play games, I play deadly games".

Q snapped his fingers and suddenly Jenkins was strapped into a massive guillotine with a great silvery blade poised to behead. To Q's ears, Jenkins scream of terror was music. "Here are the conditions of the game: At changing intervals I will seize members of those under your command. I will put them in life threatening circumstances and you must guess".

Seras squeaked, "What are we supposed to be guessing"?

Q's dark eyes struck fear into Seras; they were the opposite of her master's eyes. His eyes burned like fire. Q's eyes were empty but at the same time full of a very alien intelligence. It was like looking into the eyes of some primordial creature, there was nothing in those eyes that the human mind could comprehend or relate to. "You have to guess something about my being here. It could be anything; you might ask me if I mean to cause harm or to help. You could ask me who I'm after".

Q then looked at Jenkins's friends, who were too stunned to try and help. Ah yes, human weakness was something that Q enjoyed. He started again, "The downside of this is that if you ask me something that isn't true. If you ask me if I come to cause help but I actually come to cause harm, then I will consider that wrong. If I consider it wrong then the life of the person in question is forfeit. If you choose not to answer it will be considered a wrong answer".

Q looked into the face of Jenkins, who was sweating bullets and praying to his imaginary god. Q looked to all the people in the room and beckoned them, "So, who shall ask the first question".

Deathly silence rung out in the room. Nobody spoke, nobody moved. It was as if time had frozen, which was not at all impossible given the circumstances. Finally somebody said, "I'll go first".

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Sorry for the delay but my creative forces have ordered me to work on the big Hellsing for the past little while. I hope that this chapter was satisfactory and that everybody enjoyed it.


	5. First Game and First Strike

Hellsing Trek

Chapter 5: First game and first strike

Disclaimer: What, are you blind? I own nothing here. I make no profit

Q looked into the face of Jenkins, who was sweating bullets and praying to his imaginary god. Q looked to all the people in the room and beckoned them, "So, who shall ask the first question".

Deathly silence rung out in the room. Nobody spoke, nobody moved. It was as if time had frozen, which was not at all impossible given the circumstances. Finally somebody said, "I'll go first".

Q looked squarely at the man who had agreed to strike the first blow. "Look Integra, one of the nobodies has decided to raise his voice. You'll have to excuse me but I don't speak the language of mice".

Despite the barbed comment by Q the Hellsing soldier did not lower his head or avert his gaze. Instead he stepped closer, seemingly fearless. "My name is Brian Doyle, Lieutenant Second class of the Hellsing Organization of Protestant Knights. Our duty is to eliminate the impure souls of the undead and fight the various monstrosities of the night. I think that we're the best people qualified to fight the likes of you". This little speech gave him a few looks of admiration and even more looks of "what the hell are you thinking".

Q's dark eyes focused on Doyle like the targeting systems of some futuristic weapon that was going to blast him to oblivion. "Tell me, o nameless and brainless soldier, why should you even consider bailing this man out"?

Doyle's answer was steadfast and honest, "Not only is this man a comrade but he has also shown me support personally where it counted".

Q summoned an easy chair with a snap of his fingers and promptly sat down on the comfortable piece of furniture. The cushy leather chair reclined slightly but while Q's posture relaxed his face never did. He was wearing a sly expression, one which signified that he meant no good. "I see there, Brain. Maybe you might want to tell everybody else here just what Jenkins did for you"?

Here Doyle faltered a little bit, "With respect sir, I'd rather just ask a question without any further tarry".

Q would have none of it, "No I'd prefer that you answered. If you choose not to answer my question then I'll have to make up a new rule which might cause that man over there to be shaven clean".

Brian Doyle looked to Sir Integra for advice. Integra was not about to let this circus go on for any longer. She yelled at Q, "I'm the one responsible for my people, I will ask the question"!

The strength of Integra's gaze was something that was known to make men weak at the knees with fear, but to one such as Q, it was merely amusing. He began in a patronizing tone, "Sir Integra, you don't even have to ask to be able to play in my little game. You should just know that if you decide to answer for this lowly soldier who has one half of your intelligence then he will officially forfeit the question and the maggot in the guillotine will be trimmed just so". There was a white flash of light and once more Q sat on his levitating throne, "I just thought that you should know".

So now Integra knew that she was powerless to undo what had been set into motion by an overenthusiastic grunt trying to do well. She tried to find a way to optimize the chance the Jenkins would emerge from this with a head on his shoulders. She asked the omnipotent being in front of her, "Are we allowed to confer with the person asking the question"?

Q chuckled, "Next time, not right now though".

Seras was shocked at the cruelty of the god-like being in front of her, "How can you be so cruel"!

Q only mocked the young and tender hearted fledgling. "Actually it's very easy. You could ask Alucard about it though, he knows a great deal about cruelty". Alucard didn't respond to Q's taunting, or even give a sign that he noticed the proceedings around him. Alucard was every bit as still as a corpse.

Q waved his hands and the entire room except for the question asker was enchanted into silence. "We've dallied about enough. The aforementioned Brian Doyle will proceed to answer why he wishes to save the condemned and ask his question in the allotted time of two earth minutes". His verdict reverberated like a gong and carried the weight of the earth.

Brian Doyle was now sweating almost as much as Jenkins. He'd jumped into this thing without thinking but really, he had no clue what he was going to say. Q's brutal reminder reached his ear, "Thirty earth seconds have elapsed. Maybe you would like to forfeit. If you did there would be no shame on you".

Suddenly the hysteric cry of Jenkins rattled Doyle's nerves further, "Brian please, get me the fuck out of here"! Jenkins was now weeping like a baby. He'd never been in a situation like this before. When he fought ghouls and vampires alongside his comrades, there was danger but there was also the chance to fight back with high velocity blessed silver. Here he had nothing, no way to fight back or to escape. He was completely powerless. Whatever Q wanted, Q would get. If Q wanted him to be stripped naked and torn apart by wild animals from beyond the stars then that was what would happen.

Q's voice sounded off like the voice of an executioner with a few screws loose, "A full earth minute has elapsed. I wouldn't recommend any further delay".

Doyle's mind was racing in overtime right now, creating questions as fast as he could discard them. It then occurred to him that he did not fully remember or understand Q's rules. What was a wrong answer anyways? How did you get a right answer?

"Thirty earth seconds remaining. Take your time".

Heartbeats raced and the temperature in the room seemed to rise for everybody. In thirty seconds a man's life would either end tragically or go on as like near normal. This was what life was like for a Hellsing soldier, never knowing when that fatal bite, claw or shot would come for you. The difference now was that their own mortality was being rubbed in their faces. Before the end came, everybody to some degree or another would be wishing to forget that Q ever appeared in the dingy city of London on the tiny rock known as earth.

"Twenty earth seconds remaining. No rush".

Brian had the cusp of a question, now he had to get it fully materialized. "Fifteen earth seconds remaining. Pray for this man if you choose".

"WAIT! I've got it. I've got a question"!

"Ten seconds". Q's voice sounded akin to a stewardess telling the passengers that the plane will land shortly.

"Are you here with friendly or hostile intent"? Doyle tried to sound intimidating and sure of himself but fell far short of the mark.

Q didn't immediately respond. He paused for a moment, adjusted his Russian Priest's gold chain and then checked his wrist watch. "Hmm, you asked a question with only three seconds remaining. That's quick thinking".

Doyle breathed out in relief, "So, Jenkins gets to go free"? He barely dared to hope.

"Well, no. He doesn't, he's going to die. Before you interrupted me I was going to say that your question was far too unspecific and therefore the life of Jenkins is now over. Even if you did get a good question in, you still didn't answer why you wanted to save this man". Grinning like only Alucard would have seemed capable of; Q reached to his side and placed a hand around a plain looking metal lever. Q looked Jenkins square in the eye, "Soldier whose name I've forgotten, adieu". And that was it; Q pulled the lever that would drop the blade on the guillotine.

Q's lever slid into place with a grinding noise. From there, the blade began to fall, it slid down the wooden frame and-

It stopped dead in its tracks, just a breath away from the back of Jenkins neck. Every man in the room was confused, was Q going to let this man go or was this some sort of sick mind game. Only two people in the room did not share the common reaction of shock. Alucard stood emotionless as ever, he very much looked the part of a dead body. Seras Victoria knew what happened. She had asked a question and had asked correctly.

As the blade descended, time slowed down for Seras Victoria. Her natural vampire reflexes were going into overdrive to give her rational mind the time that it needed to formulate a question that would stop that shiny blade. The blade fell painfully slowly, but Seras rational mind remained a blank slate.

Suddenly she heard the voice of Q speaking directly into her mind, "You can alter your perception of time but you cannot control it as I can. If the magnificence of the blade blinds you, I suggest that you look the other way".

Then, with a confidence that Seras did not know she possessed she asked her question in a voice that was too fast and too high for the ears of humans to hear. "Are you coming here to do damage"?

With that the blade stopped and Seras perception returned to normal speed. Jenkins was under so much pressure that he dead fainted in the guillotine. Even the normally stalwart and unshakable Sir Integra was shaking with relief. With that, Q altered his appearance once more. His morbid Russian Priest's garb was replaced in a flash by his maroon and black business suit. He had made the transformation from cold and sadistic to smiling and campy. It was a transformation he could make in an instant, and with no less speed the opposite reaction.

Q manifested a shabby suitcase into his left hand and said to Sera, "Quick thinking on your part Chest Girl. You will suffer a less painful fate than Alucard". Seras would have blushed if she'd had enough blood in her system. She could only put up with her master calling her "Police Girl", but this impetuous bastard calling her, "Chest Girl" was far too much. If one of the Hellsing soldiers called her that she would have given them a good smack. But at the moment she wasn't crazy or angry enough to try her luck with Q.

Q beamed to everyone in the entire room as if he'd never threatened, mocked and made them feel small. "Well that's a rap everyone. But have no fear, I will return in short order with my bag of tricks in tow".

Q began to walk towards the exit when Sir Integra called out, "Where are you going".

Q didn't look back, "Places".

Integra ran forward to the being that reminded her so much of her Uncle Richard. They were both arrogant as hell and very fond of mind games. Richard had been as cunning and clever as could be. The only thing that he did not factor into his convoluted schemes was the release of Alucard from his prison. Alucard would have been able to tear Richard apart limb from limb, but against Q Alucard could do nothing. However, this was not going to deter Integra.

She grabbed Q by the shoulder and barked at him, "How dare you invade the sanctity of my ancestral home and dishonor the Hellsing-

She didn't get to finish her sentence because she was flung against a wall by an invisible force. She yelled as she was caught in mid air by another invisible force. Something was holding Integra by the neck. Alucard immediately sprang to life, as much from the action of the Hellsing seals as his own zeal to save Integra from the person who ruined his life.

At that very instant, thick chains wrapped themselves around Alucard's body. Alucard snapped the chains with ease, but for every chain he broke, two more grew from the broken ends to entangle him. Soon he could not budge; Alucard was now in the exact position as his master.

Q put down his suitcase and took a moment to pick the right words, "Right now Integra you are in the grip of a Thessalyyan Day terror. Its home world orbits a star with only one side of the planet ever facing the sun. To survive in permanent daylight, the creature is evolved to be totally transparent to thermal and visible light. This one is a hungry animal; he doesn't care one wit for you or your organization, Integra, anymore than I do. I came here for a reason and if you keep annoying me than I will have to get nasty".

Integra struggled to breath as whatever invisible monster grasped her throat with little concern for her personal wellbeing. She looked over at Q, who snapped his fingers and was gone. Also gone was whatever had been holding the beast back from killing her. Fortunately the chains binding Alucard had also vanished into thin air.

Alucard wasted no time in tearing the creature down. While invisible to human eyes, Alucard could easily see the creature as well as any vital organs it possessed. With a powerful sweep of his arm, he tore off a limb. The creature screeched and the limb fell to the floor, losing its invisibility in the process. The segmented yet fleshy limb flailed on the ground, leaking green ichor at the same time. In the same breath Alucard swung out with a kick. The kick landed against one of the creature's limbs, making a horrible shattering sound as whatever bones the creature had were reduced to paste.

All of these actions had failed to make the creature drop Integra, but at least it had diverted the animal from its intended meal. Alucard stood directly under the creature's body and thrust his hand upwards, punching through the creature's main body like a cork screw penetrating into a cork. The Day terror let out one last shriek and fell dead; dropping the Hellsing director into Alucard's waiting arms. The beast's body hit the ground before becoming visible to human eyes.

Integra grasped her throat and coughed. While trying to recover her breath she looked over at the former space beast. Now visible the Day terror looked like nothing so much as a massive land dwelling star fish. The limbs ended in crab like pincers but there was no discernable head, mouth or eyes. "Put me down Alucard", her voice, strained as it was, was still full of steel.

She looked at the men, who were still in shock. She looked to Jenkins, still unconscious. "Get him out of that, he's going to strangle himself like that. And get rid of this carcass". She then turned to Alucard and said, "We will meet in my office in half an hour. In the meanwhile I order you to get rid of these little fuzz balls".

"Tribbles", Alucard corrected her.

"I don't care what they're called. I only care that you get rid of them".

With that Integra headed off to her office to find that bottle of brandy that she kept for times like this. Alucard looked to his fledgling, who was very much distressed by the killing of cute furry things. He said to her, "Police girl, you'd better leave, this won't be pretty".

Soon, Alucard was all alone in the Hellsing kitchen. Nothing but him, the tribbles and the dead carcass. The Hellsing soldiers were gone, off to look for a way to dismember the large creature that could never fit through the kitchen's double doors.

Alucard saw that the tribbles were already starting to move towards the dead Day Terror, as if to eat it. With a wave of his hand, Alucard used his psychic powers to move all the tribbles into one big pile. There were more tribbles scattered throughout the mansion but he'd just start here. With the tribbles in a squeaking heap, he pulled out a tank of gasoline from his coat.

They squeaked louder when they had the oily hydrocarbon fuel poured over them. Alucard said in a mocking voice, "Drink up, you all must be thirsty". Then, Alucard reached into the other side of his jacket and pulled out a wood match. Quickly replacing the jerry can back in his coat, he lit the match and threw it on top of the gasoline soaked pile of tribbles.

Alucard's nostrils were immediately assaulted by the smell of burning fur and flesh. His ears were greeted by the shrieks of dying tribbles. To him, it looked and smelled beautiful. He mocked the tribbles, "I'm sorry about that, it was an accident". Alucard checked around to make sure that nobody was watching him before cackling like a madman and yelling, "HA HA, IN YOUR COLLECTIVE FACE"!

At that moment, Q's head appeared right in front of Alucard and said, "You're a sick bastard you know".

Alucard screamed at Q, "STOP SPOILING MY FUN"!

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As Q said, that's a rap folks. Hope you enjoyed this latest update of The Trek Adventure and be sure to check out my other story, The Big Hellsing. Ta, Master of the Boot


	6. Start from the Beginning

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Six: Start from the Beginning

The arrival of Q had been quite a shock for everybody that had gotten the unfortunate pleasure of meeting with the omnipotent being. However, some people simply shrugged off their shock and went about their work. Walter Dornez had been the Hellsing family retainer for over fifty years; it had stayed that way because no matter what happened the Hellsing family could count on Walter to make the tea. Even when Walter's job had been to annihilate the various undead threats that surfaced over the years, his skills at gardening and cooking had been kept as sharp as his vampire hunting skills.

Walter knew that no matter how theatrical this Q fellow was, the flowers on the grounds of the Hellsing manor weren't going to water themselves. Although with Q about there was the possibility that the flowers would do some extraordinary things. Just a few moments ago he had gone to water some shrubs when the shrubs had all drawn guns on Walter and opened fire. The Hellsing butler acted accordingly, leaping out of the way of the hail of lead and using his micro filament wires to slice apart the murderous bushes.

Currently Walter had abandoned his usual butler's uniform in favor of a set of overalls and a straw hat to keep the sun out of his eyes. Walter began the ancient and very solemn task of weeding a garden. Moving from place to place, Walter showed no signs of his advanced age. Weed after weed fell under eagle eye and ready spade. It was only when Walter had removed the last weed did he notice a pair of trouble makers in the Hellsing grounds.

There were two aliens stripping bark from a willow tree. Walter thought of them as aliens because he recognized immediately that they were not native to England. Each of them was approximately seven feet tall, but had they stood with their legs and necks fully extended they would have been much taller. Green was the color of the two creatures, all the better for blending in with the foliage on their home world. Their faces had a somewhat fierce profile, cruel hawk like beaks and a pair of curved blades on the forehead marked out the creatures as killers.

What really stood out about the creatures was the fact that they were both covered in blades. The creatures had blades protruding from their wrists, elbows, knees, calves and thighs to name a few places. Especially dangerous were the collection of razor sharp blades that lined the end of their long prehensile tails.

Lesser men might have seen the creatures and felt fear. Walter C. Dornez could only feel anger as he saw the creatures use their deadly blades to gather bark from the willow tree. Walter dropped his spade and started to run towards the deadly looking duo. "Oy, you"! Walter screamed at the creatures in challenge.

Unexpectedly, the two creatures dropped their harvested bark and ran for one of the thicker copes of trees. As they ran, they noticed that the human was gaining on them. Seeing their pursuer outpacing them, they promptly leapt into the lower branches of an oak tree like kangaroos.

Never one to be outdone, Walter leapt up into the branches of the ancient oak like a gold medal gymnast. Here in the branches of the mighty tree, Walter was finding it difficult to keep up with the things that had done so much damage to that nice willow tree. None the less, the Hellsing retainer did his damndest to ensure that he never lost sight of his quarry. Walter jumped from branch to branch, sometimes using his wires to assist him in the climb.

As fast and as nimble as Walter was, he was still out of his prime. At some point or another, Walter lost his footing. Like a stone, Walter Dornez plummeted. On the way down he struck a grand total of twenty branches and dropped a grand total of nearly twenty feet. Thankfully Walter didn't land on his head. Instead he landed flat on his back where he immediately felt something in his back give out like an elastic band under too much tension.

Walter lay down on the grass, groaning in pain. He daren't move a muscle lest he damage himself further. The pain in his back was the worst but truthfully he felt pain everywhere. All he could do now was wait and hope that somebody would come and rescue him. On the plus side Walter was thankful that his straw hat hadn't fallen off.

Through the haze of pain, Walter heard the faint rustle of leaves. Looking up he saw that the two aliens were slowly and carefully climbing down the trunk of the tree. They watched Walter with quizzical expressions. Who knew that creatures with beaks could be so expressive?

Walter only groaned more as the pair inched their way closer and closer. Walter mumbled to himself, "They're probably going to kill and eat me". He still had his wires handy, "_If the try to eat me, I can send them to hell with me_", he thought.

Finally the creatures had reached the base of the trunk and were on the ground. Slowly the creatures crawled on all fours towards Walter. They moved with more caution than Walter had seen in fifty years from anybody. Perhaps these two creatures knew just how dangerous he really was. One of them was right overtop of Walter, regarding him with evergreen eyes. Both creatures breathed heavily over him. It was a pleasant surprise for Walter when he noticed that their breath smelled like pine needles, not entirely unpleasant.

Finally the silence was broken when one of the creatures asked, "Ysin ghafrash"?

Walter just looked at the thing, "What"?

_Transylvania, Unknown location_

_The man who later became known as Vlad the impaler was being led by a procession of Turkish soldiers. Vlad himself had been stripped of his emblems of royalty and rank and now stood nearly naked in a loincloth badly in need of wash. As they led him on, the Turks taunted Vlad in their own language, for none of them could speak his._

_Vlad had been marching for a long time, he'd lost count of how many steps he'd taken a while back. During that time he'd had ample opportunity to ponder the nature of his fate. He found himself rather sad that it all had to end. In some way he felt that his work was not yet done. He also felt a bit of satisfaction, that demon that possessed the audacity to judge him had condemned him to eternal life. It didn't look like Vlad would be receiving eternal life after all. Even if he died, he'd enjoy telling Q that he was wrong. _

_The Turks began to move towards a clearing in the dense woods. That clearing was filled with the dead bodies of Vlad's most loyal commanders. Vlad was not surprised by this development, had his position been reversed, he would have done the same thing to the enemy commanders. Vlad then received a rude surprise. _

_One of the Turks shoved him forward into the mud that was red with spilt blood. This elicited laughs from Vlad's hated enemies. Vlad wiped the mud from his eyes and bared his teeth in rage. One of the Turks began to approach him with an ax. Seeing this, Vlad tried to make a break for it. He did not get far, the leg irons and manacles saw to that matter. Still, Vlad manager to break somebody's nose and crush an eye socket. _

_For his defiance the Turks gave Vlad kicks with their iron shod boots and punches with their metal gauntlets. Broken and bleeding Vlad tried to blink away the blood that was leaking from a cut on his forehead. Held down by four men, Vlad had no way to run and nowhere to hide. _

_Vlad was preparing himself to experience the very thing he and his armies had done to thousands of people. Suddenly before his eyes, something strange started to happen. The blood began to move towards him. From the entire clearing the blood of the dead started to move towards him, defying gravity and logic to do so. At the front of the wave of blood, the red fluid formed arrows which pointed at Vlad. The impaler was startled, he'd become a master of dark magic over the years but he'd never seen anything like this. _

_Suddenly the blood started to form words. Letter by letter a message was formed, one that was only for the eyes of the impaler. The words read, "Look up". _

_Vlad looked up and did not like what he saw. The man who was about to behead him was none other than Q. Q had turned his skin dark, grown a beard and donned the uniform of the Turk, but he was unmistakable. Q raised the ax and winked at Vlad. Then the ax came down_

_Modern day, Hellsing Manor_

Seras Victoria ran down the halls of the Hellsing manor, trying to find the meeting room that Integra ordered that Alucard meet to tell all he knew of the creature Q. There was just one problem, Seras knew how to find the room that she was supposed to meet Integra, she just couldn't remember which room that was.

There were over a hundred rooms in the Hellsing manor and unless somebody could tell her where the briefing was she'd have to search every single one of them. Seras ran down the halls of Hellsing headquarters. If she hadn't been in such a rush she might have noticed that the halls were strangely empty.

Seras took a left turn and ran down a corridor which was lined with large mirrors. The idea behind this was that if a vampire walked down the corridor their lack of reflection would get them a large volume of blessed silver gunfire. Naturally as Seras peeled down the hallway, she had no reflection in any of the mirrors. But when she reached the end of the hall, she saw her reflection in one of the mirrors.

Shocked and unprepared for such a miraculous apparition, Seras ran into a wall with the destructive potential of five sumo wrestlers. Seras blacked out for a moment, only to wake up on the floor. Seras sprang to life, absolutely terrified of what Integra as going to say about the damaged wall. The young Police Girl had no idea what sort of tortures Integra would inflict on her for spoiling that nice wall. Her head was flooded with images of dark dungeons and torture devices.

She could see quite clearly now how it would play out. First she would try and beg forgiveness. Naturally Sir Integra would scorn Seras and have her sent to the dungeons. Then Walter would strip her naked and chain her to a wall. She'd plead with Walter to let her go but Walter would ignore her tears. Then she would be left all alone in the dungeons for hours or days. Finally Alucard would appear before her to explain that she had failed as his fledgling and would serve as his sex slave for all eternity.

Seras was so wrapped up in how she thought things would turn out that she had failed to notice that the damaged wall was now completely repaired. But Seras was still driving herself into a panic about what might happen, "_And then if I don't please Master he'll beat me and refuse to feed me until I please him. Or worse yet, he'll stick a crucifix into my . . . isn't this the mirror that showed my reflection_"?

Seras walked towards the only mirror which showed her as part of the hallway. Seras Victoria slowly began to walk towards the mirror. Likewise, the image in the mirror matched her every movement down to the tiniest. Finally Seras stood within arms reach of the mirror.

She moved her left hand, it did the same. She moved her right hand and it mimicked her perfectly. Seras bounced up and down a little on her heels; unsurprisingly the mirror matched her movements to a tee. Seras let her arms down and relaxed a little bit. She leaned in a little bit to get a better look at her own reflection.

Suddenly the reflection reached outside of the mirror and grabbed Seras' throat with both hands. Gagging, Seras tried to break the grip of the mirror Seras without success. Physically the doppelganger was identical to Seras but they were as different as night and day. Everything about the false Seras exuded confidence and power. She had the aura of a person who is used to taking what she's owed and has no qualms about taking what she's not owed.

The false Seras pulled the real Seras closer until they their noses almost touched. The impostor wore a grin that Seras had only before seen on Alucard's face. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're avoiding the blood"?

Seras could only respond with fear and grunts of exertion as she attempted to free herself. The impostor continued, "How long do you think it will be before you give in to the blood"? With that the false Seras laughed loudly and strengthened her grip on Seras throat.

Seras sputtered and choked, trying to get air into her lungs. She could not loose the grip of the impostor; she waited for her vision to darken around the edges. At that moment she realized two things. First, she realized that she was a vampire and she did not need to breath. Second, the doppelganger was gone and it was she who was strangling herself.

Seras threw down her hands and stopped sputtering and gagging. She huffed; humiliated that she could fall for such a trick. The mirror was back to normal now; it no longer showed Seras Victoria her reflection. She sighed; there was no point in fretting over it now. She had even forgotten why she had been so flustered in the first place.

"_The briefing_"! She thought to herself horrified, she was late for the briefing that sir Integra had called. Seras again sped down the hallway with lightning quickness, not failing to notice that the damage that she had done to the wall was now there once more. As she ran she briefly wondered how the members of the enemy organizations were doing.

_Brazil, South America, unknown distance from Rio_

The Major stood hunched over in his office, still hunched over and moving his arms like they were wings. Periodically he would make, "cluck cluck cluck" noises and peck the ground. Before him the Dok placed a shallow dish. With the dish in front of the Major, Dok grabbed a big bag of corn and proceeded to fill the dish with the nutritious yellow grain. Immediately the Major waddled over to the corn and started pecking and devouring the dish's contents.

Dok saw his once mighty leader reduced to the status of a chicken and was ready to weep. With tears leaking from behind his strange multi lensed glasses he lamented, "Oh Major, how did we get here? Ve could have moved to Dusseldorf und gotten married. Instead ve vent to South America und now ve get to put up vith this shit". It was too much for the flamboyantly gay mad scientist, he broke down and wept.

At that exact moment that he started crying and stroking the Major's hair that Schrodinger materialized in the middle of the room to inform the Dok of some very important news. "Dok, ve're out of cookies", Schrodinger waved the empty cookie box as proof.

Dok, unprepared for the presence of the invasive cat boy yelped like a girl before spinning around. He had no patience for Schrodinger today, "VARRANT OFFICER SCHRODINGER, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SNEAK UP ON ME OR THE MAJOR"!

Schrodinger wined and held the empty cookie box higher, "But Dok the cookies"!

"ASK VONE OF THE TROOPS TO GIVE YOU MONEY! NOW FUCK OFF"!

"Geez, don't get upset Dok, I'm already gone". And he was gone. And as soon as he was Dok started to cry again. While he was crying, Dok failed to notice the entry of the Captain, looking for his missing electric toothbrush.

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Oh yes, it feels so good to write a story that you love. What feels better is to get review for a story and you guys have never disappointed me. Next chapter Q's game progresses and eventually the Captain will talk. What will he say? Stay tuned and find out.


	7. History and Anger

Hellsing Trek Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Seven: History and Anger

Disclaimer: Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I typing this story?

_Transylvania, Unknown year, Unknown location_

_The man who went by the name Vlad Tepes lay sleeping. It was a very peaceful sleep that he was having, one of the most restful slumbers in his entire life. As he dreamed peacefully Vlad's moustache twitched. At several time he mumbled things to himself. Usually he muttered things like, "Go away Radu" or, "Father, Mircea's poking me" and "Stupid Saxons". _

_However this peaceful slumber was interrupted. Vlad's ears were disturbed by the sound of voices. He was still too deep into sleep to make out what was being said. So he attempted to command one of his myriad servants, "Silence that fool noise". Vlad yawned and tried to go back to catching shuteye. Unfortunately for him the noise did not abate, rather it only grew louder. _

_Vlad ordered out a little bit longer this time, "I ordered silence"! Vlad twisted his head about in an attempt to shield himself from the infernal noise. When his efforts proved in vane Vlad screamed out, "Can you not hear, I speak"! _

_Vlad was almost fully awake now and tried to pull his blankets over his head. Only confusion filled his head as he found that he had no covers and that he wasn't in his bed. Vlad looked around and fear started to fill his veins. He saw that he was in a rectangular shaped space carved from stone. Seeing the tight stone walls around him Vlad flinched from the boundaries of his bleak stone prison. He clung to himself as though the granite walls made him frightened. _

_Seeing himself entrapped in this fashion Vlad tried to dredge up memories of what had transpired. Vlad groaned and grunted, try as he might the memories would not rise to the surface. Trying to avoid a panic, the impaler took some deep breaths and took a closer look at himself. He seemed to be clad in ornamental armor, big black cape inlaid with red and all of his best jewelry; funeral wear. He wondered to himself, "Why am I in funeral garb, I'm not dead". _

_Vlad began to pound on the stone lid above him "Let me out! I'm not dead"! When nobody answered his called he cried out louder, "I'M NOT DEAD"! In his desperation to be rid of his entrapment, many questions did Vlad fail to ask. He failed to wonder why he could see the inside of the tomb even though there was no source of illumination. He also failed to ask why he could apparently hear the voices of those who were separated from him by thick walls of solid stone. _

_Concentrating his efforts Vlad pushed on the heavy lid of stone . . . and it flew upwards as if it were made of cork. Dim light from oil lamps filled the tomb but to Vlad's eyes it was blinding. He covered his eyes, unprepared for the onslaught of luminescence. From his throat came a noise that was foreign to all present, Vlad included. _

_He let out a long and loud hiss. It wasn't a sound that a human throat could have made. When Vlad hissed it sounded like the sound of a serpent tasting the air. Vlad cut himself off as the sound not only struck fear into those around him but also into his own heart. _

_Vlad clasped his hands to his mouth and lay there rigid with fear, seemingly afraid that anther snakelike hiss would slither out of his throat. His eyes were adjusting to the levels of light and he was finally where he was and who was with him. The tomb appeared to be located outdoors, evident by the stars above him. Crowding around the burial spot but afraid to get near was a throng of people. From the look of it they seemed to be comprised of Wallachian conscript soldiers as well as some Orthodox Romanian Priests. _

_The senior most priest pointed at Vlad and cried out, "Vampyre"! Vlad tried to say something but the words would not come to him. Two junior priests approached the lip of the grave armed with crossbows. Each crossbow bolt sported a silver tip that glistened in the light, filling Vlad with dread for some unknown reason. _

_Regardless, Vlad was a warrior as well as a nobleman. One of the things he knew for certain was that there is an end of a crossbow that you don't want to face. That wrong end of the crossbow was facing him now. As the two priests pulled the triggers Vlad sprang into action. The former impaler shot up from his intended grave like something fired out of a canon. He whirled through the air with his great cape flying behind him. _

_Still completely confused Vlad landed with lizard like grace amidst a throng of the conscript soldiers. One of the men moved in on him with sword raised. Reacting on pure instinct Vlad sliced the part time soldier from throat to groin. It was not until the man lay dead on the ground that Vlad realized what had transpired. Looking down on his hands he saw that they ended now in long vicious claws. One of his inhuman hands was now covered in a red fluid that now of all times seemed appetizing. _

_Looking around at the men who intended to kill him Vlad truly realized now what he had become. In simplest terms he was now a monster. He was now one of the creatures that the holy men warned against and necromancers experimented on. He had become one of the very creatures he had studied at the academy of the Scholomance. He was now a vampire. _

_Modern Day, Unknown location in South America_

The Captain was widely considered to be the mightiest soldier in the ranks of Millennium. He was the strongest, the toughest and all around had the greatest mystical powers. Nobody new what the Captain's name was, but for some reason they all called him Hans Gunsche.

One thing that immediately stood out about the captain was that he never spoke. Not once in the entire history of Millennium had he uttered so much as a single word. Even Major Max, who had know the Captain longer than anybody could not claim to have heard the Captain speak.

While the Captain did not speak he did brush his teeth with great regularity. In fact throughout the ages the Captain had gone to great lengths to get access to the best in dental care equipment. Now he was equipped with one of the finest and most expensive electric toothbrushes on the market. There was just one problem with his toothbrush; it had run out of batteries.

Still, a lack of batteries did not deter the Captain in his quest for perfect teeth. He went on brushing as if he were using an old fashioned manual brush. As the Captain continued to brush his teeth in his quarters somebody knocked on the bathroom door. Naturally the Captain ignored whoever it was that dared to intrude upon his personal bathroom. He heard Dok's voice from behind the door, "Captain, come out here. I'm in need of your talents".

The Captain just continued to brush his teeth, totally ignoring Dok in favor of his pearly chompers. The Captain brushed a little bit before spitting into the sink and returning to give all his teeth the care they deserved. Dok knocked on the door again, "Captain get out here, I order you".

Once more the Captain totally ignored the fruity mad scientist. As the Captain brushed his teeth, his empty eyes began to scan over the bathroom sink in search of the toothbrush cap. A third time Dok knocked on the bathroom door, attempting to get the Captain's attention. "Captain if you do not leave there right now I will have you forcible removed"!

This time the Captain didn't ignore the Dok. Instead something inside the Millennium soldier snapped and he spun around with a look of rage on his face. The Captain screamed at the top of his lungs, _"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK!!!!"_

On the other side of the door the Dok was completely taken off guard. The Captain had never spoken; he'd never even shown any emotion. The Captain had never shown signs of pain or pleasure. He'd just always been that ominous stoic fellow that the Major seemed to talk to so much. Now he'd gone against the grain and not only spoken but out and out cursed.

Dok could barely contain his shock, "Mein Gott, Captain you spoke"!

But the Captain didn't care anymore. He was just brushing his teeth, same as before. Dok worked up enough courage to risk another outburst. "If you're not too busy Captain, could you pick up some groceries later on"?

Captain just kept on brushing his teeth. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing at all.

15 Minutes later

The Captain pulled up to a great big supermarket in Rio. It was one of those stores that are meant for tourists and wealthy people. It was nearing closing time and the Captain needed to hurry if he was going to get all of the items on Dok's shopping list.

The Captain went from isle to isle in the supermarket, hunting for Schrodinger's cookies, Zorin's preferred smokes, another pack of cards for Tubalcain and some batteries for his toothbrush in addition to a whole load of other things.

For some strange reason that was known only to him, the Captain chose to motor around on a little motorized scooter that was meant for the handicapped. Captain drove his little cart past shopper after shopper seemingly forgetting what he came here for. The Captain was just driving past a middle class family who were arguing what to get for supper. The little girl wanted to get some chicken with okra while the little boy wanted to get some feiojada.

The family feud was cut short when the Captain howled like a wolf at a hundred decibels. The family leapt to the side as the tall man in trench coat and Nazi regalia puttered past on his motorized scooter.

The Captain started to move towards the till since he only had a few minutes before closing time. Suddenly the Captain stopped his scooter and looked to his right. On the aisle next to him he saw garlic on sale for a very good price. For a moment the Captain considered if he had enough money to pay for the garlic. He seemed to, so he grabbed the vampire repelling bulbs off the shelf and maneuvered his scooter into the lineup.

In the lineup the Captain never fidgeted and never stopped looking forward with his empty wolf's eyes. The only time he moved was to grab the latest gossip magazines, some soft porn and to pay for his goods.

The Captain walked towards the car with two full bags of groceries. It was hard for him since he was so very tall, taller than even the Dok or Alucard. Because of his great height the Captain needed to sleep in a custom bed, wear special clothing and drive an expensive custom car. Fortunately the Major was there to pay for the special custom items he needed.

The Captain set the bags down for a moment in order to open the car doors. He'd gotten more items than there were on Dok's list but the Captain thought that they were all essential. With all the good loaded into the car the Captain closed the trunk and strolled over to the driver's seat. As the Captain sat down Schrodinger materialized before him with his gloved hands outstretched.

He looked up at the Captain with the eagerness of a child wanting cookies, which he was, kind of. "DID YOU BRING THEM? DID YOU? Did you RRRRRRRYYYYYOOOOWLLLL"!!

Schrodinger didn't get to finish his line of questioning because the Captain came down with another inexplicable burst of rage. The Major's right hand man slammed the car door shut right on Schrodinger's fingers! The Cat boy's yowl of pain only served to enrage the Captain further.

Schrodinger had never felt so much pain; usually he died before he could feel pain. "! CAPTAIN, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE"! Schrodinger pleaded as best as he could but the angry werewolf would not be swayed.

Instead of opening the door the Captain gunned the engine of the car and stepped on the gas. The car shot forward, tires screeching and rubber burning. Schrodinger's cries of pain grew louder as the car took off with his fingers in the door. Face obscured by his collar and his eyes burning with an unusual fire, the Captain steered the car towards a lamp post. The tears pouring out of Schrodinger's eyes increased as he saw what the Captain was doing.

Schrodinger screamed his loudest before he slammed into the lamp post and was parted from his fingers. The Captain breathed heavily, snorting like an angry bull. He didn't even look as he briefly opened the car door to let Schrodinger's fingers fall out. With all traces of Schrodinger gone the Captain's rage abated as rapidly as it had appeared.

The Captain looked ahead, as emotionless and unmoving as a statue. He only moved when he turned on the radio. It was playing the Portuguese language version of Elvis Presley's _Love me Tender_. And soon the Captain was singing along to the King in Portuguese.

_London, Hellsing Manor, Now_

Seras had long ago given up on trying finding the meeting room by trial and error. Instead she ran to a place where she knew the location, Walter's room. Seras stopped in front of the Butler's quarters and knocked on the door. He heard Walter, "Come in". Still, she noticed that his voice was strained, as if he were injured or something.

The door opened and Seras stepped in, but she was in for a shock. It wasn't Walter that opened the door, it was a rather ferocious looking seven foot tall alien covered in blades. Seras looked up at the creature with shock from her less than formidable five feet. However she was steadied by the voice of Walter C. Dornez.

Walter sat down at a modest kitchen table dressed up in his gardener's coveralls and his straw hat placed before him. Directly across from him sat the second of the two aliens. Though the chairs were never designed with their species in mind. The flimsy piece of furniture was struggling to hold up the alien's bulk while it examined Walter's monocle like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Walter reassured Seras, "Not to worry Ms. Victoria, these two creatures are quite benevolent. It was they who helped me when I injured my back".

Seras was shocked, this time by Walter's back injury, "Your back is injured! You should call an ambulance"!

Walter waved off Seras suggestion, "Nonsense Ms. Victoria, all the hospital could do for me would be to make me lie down. This is something I could just as easily accomplish here". Walter then remembered his manners, "How rude of me, I've forgotten to introduce my two extraterrestrial friends. Seras, this is Rtas Ghttflek and Ruivik Ktoumee. They are mates". Indeed they were mates; Walter just didn't know which gender was which.

The one standing closest to Seras then said, "Kalashi fit Walter kkk ta'misit". The alien's language was very rapid and choppy, completely lost on Seras Victoria.

She just looked at the alien and said, "Uh . . . you too".

Before anybody else could make a move all in the room heard the voice of Q. "If you're done frolicking with the Hork Bajir, there's business to attend to in one of the conference rooms".

There was a snap of fingers and suddenly Seras and Walter were whisked to the conference room where Integra met with the round table conference. Directly across the table from Integra stood Q, who was dressed like a stereotypical English lord. He leered at Seras and Walter and said in a faux British accent, "So pleased you could join us".

Well, that took a lot of work. Hope you enjoyed the Captain's attitude problem and Vlad's history. Next I'll take to work on the Big Hellsing. Remember, I take all reviews, flames, criticisms and requests. Well, nearly all requests. Thanks for reading my work. I do it all for you.


	8. Waking Alucard

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Eight: Waking Alucard Divine

Directly across the table from Integra stood Q, who was dressed like a stereotypical English lord. He leered at Seras and Walter and said in a faux British accent, "So pleased you could join us".

The fledgling of Alucard just gazed coolly on the omnipotent being of the cosmos, "I assure you Mr. Q that the feeling is not mutual. You can't just go and teleport people wherever you please, you have to ask permission first".

Q smoothed his fake moustache as he chewed on the naive vampire's statement, "Actually you're wrong, I can teleport people anywhere in the multiverse without permission if I want to". Q then adjusted his monocle, "You see, I'm omnipotent, which means I have the power to do whatever I want. So when I want to do something, I do it".

Seras huffed, "Just because you have the power doesn't mean that you can do whatever you like to people".

"Doesn't it, little vampire"?

Seras stood firm before the playful god, "No it doesn't, what you should do is try to control yourself, if you can at all".

Q's tone darkened as he swapped places with Seras in a flash of light, "You're one to talk of restraint. Do you remember the ghouls"?

Seras pressed her lips shut; the memory of the attack by the Valentine brothers was still raw in her mind.

Q continued to press as soon as he saw Seras reluctance to bring up the event, "Do you remember when the Valentine brothers attacked they turned the entire staff of the Hellsing Organization into ghouls"? Seras did in fact remember the events of the attack; she remembered a wave of already decayed and hungry ghouls advancing on her and Walter. She clearly remembered that she could recognize the faces of many of the ghouls even if she could remember none of their names.

Q continued to thrust his verbal barbs into Seras, "Do you seem to recall young Bart Ferris? He was the one with half a face missing. Do you remember Antonio Adega? You must remember him, just a poor Catholic lad from Spain trying to get some regular meals defending a country that he hated with every fiber of his being".

Q made a show of dusting off his pseudo military outfit when Walter had quite enough of his insolence. "Young man, if you do not cease provoking Officer Victoria then I will have no choice but to remove you from these premises. One piece at a time if need be". Just barely, Walter's monofilament wires flashed in the bright fluorescent lights.

Q snapped his fingers; he was now dressed in a manner exactly like that of Walter Dornez, down to the pony tail. "Walter Christopher Dornez, retainer of the Hellsing household. Sadist, mindless brat, traitor and all around not very nice man".

Integra snapped at Q, "I have no patience whatsoever for your shenanigans Q, but if you disrespect my most loyal servant in such a way then I just might let him have his way with you"!

Alucard interjected with a bored voice, "I thought that I was your most loyal servant"? He'd been sitting next to Integra in a folding chair he'd conjured out of shadow matter. For virtually the entire meeting he'd sat by with his face leaned on his hand, totally ignoring Q and his master.

"NO YOU ARE NOT"! Integra screamed at Alucard.

Suddenly there was another flash of light as Integra and Seras suddenly swapped outfits. Suddenly it was Seras who was wearing a man's suit and pants and Integra who was wearing a military uniform complete with miniskirt that just only covered her ass. Seras was confused, Integra was embarrassed as hell.

On Seras the suit was too long and the sleeves hung comically past Seras' hands. There were other problems with the suit too. The pants were too long; Seras would have to roll them up at least five or six times. And then there was the fact that the suit was just too small to contain Seras chest. At any moment it looked as if her twin orbs of glory were fighting a winning battle with the buttons on the suit.

For a moment Walter was forced to look away from Q and take a gander at the Police Girl's erotic volcanoes. Fortunately for the former Angel of Death, something spoke up in his back before she could notice. In the blink of an eye Walter groaned, his face contorted with pain and he fell over like a felled tree. Seras, ever the sweet and kind girl bent down to try and help the old fellow. In doing so she busted a few buttons and opened up the suit to expose fields and fields of sweet she flesh.

Walter didn't really notice Seras exposed chest, he was to busy noticing the blinding pain in his back. His troubles only worsened when Seras bent down to help him and something poked him in the eye, making him arch his back, only adding to his pain.

Seras cried out to the downed butler, "OH MY GOD, Walter are you alright"?

Walter held his eye, "Yes, never better. Please button up your shirt before your nibblets poke my eye out again".

Alucard was still at the table, still sitting in his folding chair and still looking bored. When Seras chest jumped out from behind the curtain of Integra's suit he didn't even bat an eyelash. He didn't even say a word when he saw Integra in Seras uniform. Although he did think to himself briefly, "_Let's see how she likes that outfit_".

Likewise, Integra never noticed that Seras was now exposed to the world or that her faithful butler was writing in agony with an injured back. However, bored would be the last word that anybody would use to describe the way Integra was looking and feeling. She was horrified, mortified beyond all words to describe the sensation. She had spent just about the last decade fortifying herself against the advances of men. Dressed as she was now she looked and felt like a deli tray of sumptuous meat up for the grabs.

Integra had an expression on her face which looked akin to somebody having acid sprayed all over her body. Her expression didn't change when Seras re-covered her breasts and helped to escort Walter out of the room.

Q's disguise changed once more. This time the omnipotent being was dressed like a university professor, complete with glasses and beard. "That's quite sad; I was hoping to have given her a lecture about how she lost control battling the ghouls. My speech would have completely crushed that girl".

Integra spun around with an expression that was half way between livid and terrified, "Change me back you scum"!

"But why would I want to change you back to those boring old suits. Now you have a little taste of what Seras Victoria goes through every day".

Alucard piped up lazily, "Just change her back Q".

Q pretended to act shocked, "Why Alucard, I didn't know that you were awake. It's so nice that now you can take part in my little play". Alucard didn't respond but Q still grinned, Alucard was responding, with a few more well placed shocks the No-Life King would be jumping up and down like he had a hornets nest in his pants. Q smiled at Integra, "You want me to change you back; sure, I'll change you back".

Followed by his characteristic flash of white light Integra was decked once more in her usual man's suit.

"I'll change you back, and then some".

Without further ado any relief that Integra felt was instantly crushed. Her chest was now inflating like a pair of balloons. Integra gave an all out feminine scream as her twin mammaries increased in mass, tearing the fabric of her bra and straining the fabric of her shirt and suit jacket. They didn't stop growing until they equaled the mass of Seras Victoria's ponderous cantaloupes.

This course of events finally seemed to shake Alucard to life. Immediately he stood up strait in his seat and took off his sunglasses so that he could get a better look at Integra's new diary pillows.

Now, Integra was beyond rage and terror, with one hand she went for her gun, with the other she tried to cover up her new party favors. Since her gun was in her jacket pocket, it really looked like she was fiddling with her too-large breasts while trying to hold back tears. "YOU . . . FUCKING. . . DIE"!

Integra finally got hold of her gun and fired at Q. Rather than hit him, each bullet stopped in mid air at arms distance from Q. When the clip ran dry, Q raised an eyebrow and the bullets all fell to the ground. His face held a joke but his voice was quite threatening, "Lady, you're getting on my one last nerve".

Integra turned to Alucard, who had a pretty big hard on in his pants. "Alucard, destroy this thing. I give you the order to go to zero restrict-

SNAP!

Q snapped his fingers and Integra stopped in mid sentence, her chest returning to normal and her face taking on a blank look.

Alucard was not horny now, he was angry. "What have you done to her Q"!

Q pretended that he didn't hear Alucard, "I just realized something". He continued with a mocking tone, "Since I've been here, I've gone without gloves and glasses". Q laughed, "What was I thinking, silly me". There was another flash and now Q wore white cotton gloves and a pair of glasses that caught the glare off of the lights in the room just the right way.

By now Integra had shaken herself back to the present but it looked as if a part of her mind were on vacation, "Alucard get rid of this thing".

Alucard walked closer to his master, his voice was all wrong. It sounded as if she'd had her brains all scooped out, "Master are you feeling well"?

Integra gave Alucard an angry look, "I'm good Alucard, I'm good. GOOD . . . BAD. . . UGLY . . . GUN. . . AMERICA . . . KLAN. . . INBREEDING"!

Alucard spun around until Q was close enough to feel the spit hit his face, "What have you done to her"!

Q paused to wipe off his face and new glasses with a paper napkin, "Nothing at all really, I just dumbed her down for the duration of my stay".

Meanwhile Integra was still going off on a tangent, "THE SOUTHERN STATES. . . BEASTIALITY . . . AVIAN FLU. . . HAVING SEX WITH CHICKENS . . . CANADA. . . BASTARDS . . . BEAVER".

Alucard growled at Q, "Change her back, now".

Q smirked, "I won't".

Alucard's rage reached a new level, "You . . . won't". He was so furious that his eye was twitching.

Q put a hand on Alucard's shoulder, "I'll change her back to normal if you give me something in return". Q interpreted Alucard's hiss as a sign of affirmation, "You guess in my games and when you find out my purpose give me an honest answer. When I'm gone, she'll be back to normal".

Alucard didn't answer right away, the last thing he wanted to do now was be a willing pawn in one of Q's games. Then he noticed Integra, whose intellect now probably was at the level where she ought to be put in a rubber room.

In the middle of Alucard's introspection Seras Victoria barged into the room, once more back in her slutty Hellsing uniform. "Sorry I'm late everyone, but I had to get Walter back to his room and rub some medicated lotion on his back. He still refuses to call an ambulance though".

Q suddenly conjured himself a policeman's uniform, "Chest girl, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for being that stupid and for having a chest of such ridiculous proportions".

Seras was tempted to wind up and clean Q's clock when she herd her master commanding her, "Police Girl, be a sport and escort Sir Integra to her room".

Seras looked at Integra, but if she'd have been a little more alert she might have spotted the detail that Integra looked just like Seras did when she was confused. "Well, right this way Sir Integra".

In a voice that was surprisingly loud, Integra said to Seras, "Hello Sally".

Seras was a little shocked, "Uh, my name is Seras".

"Sally do you like to go swimming".

"Well, yes I do like to swim. But my name is Seras".

"NUDE BATHING . . . SAPHIC ACTIVITIES . . . EXPLORATION . . . MOUNT EVEREST".

"Integra, just so you know, I don't have anything against that sort of woman, but I don't-

"HANDSOME LEGS . . . SUCKING. . . TONGUES. . . PIERCINGS IN UNUSUAL PLACES".

Seras looked to her Master for a handle on the moment, "Mast, what should I do"?

Alucard gave his fledgling a forlorn look, "Just ignore it as best as you can Police Girl".

Seras turned to Integra and tried to tell her to move along. She couldn't get the words out because at that moment Integra put her hands on Seras wide hips and said, "SWEET MEAT . . . GOD OF HELLFIRE. . . I LOVE YOU SALLY".

"It's Seras".

Seras calmly took Integra's hands off of her hips and then lead her out of the room by one hand like a five year old child.

Alucard took off his hat and glared at Q, "Dumbed her down"?

"And put my finger in a few of her hormones", Q confessed.

Alucard ran a hand through his long raven hair, "So Q, you told me what I would have to guess. When do I start guessing"?

Q changed his outfit back into his default black and maroon business suit with added gloves and glasses, "You start right now, just look to your left".

Alucard looked to his left, what he saw was no better worse than anything he'd seen in his nearly six hundred years of existence. To his left was a massive vat of boiling oil, like a giant deep fryer. Suspended above the bubbling inferno of olive oil were three members of the Hellsing staff.

Q walked slowly up to Alucard, "Mary Fischer, Lana Stapleton, Christine Rowley; all maids in the Hellsing Household. Their jobs are to scrub the floors and clean the toilets. They know nothing of Hellsing and its mission. Each of these women comes from a poor home. Two of them have children. All of them are dirt poor. All of them-

Alucard cut off Q with a scoff, "Oh, please, stop it Q. You're going to make me bust out crying".

"Are you ready to guess Alucard"?

"May I ask you something"?

"Shoot, oh great No-Life King".

"Can I ask a deliberately wrong question"?

Q smiled at Alucard very warmly, "Try to limit yourself to two, alright".

"Thank you Q"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Hey everybody, look who's back from purgatory. I just wanted to thank all the people who review, all the people who have me on story alert and all the people who stop and read this. This might be a funny place to mention this but Obama won last night: YAY FOR OBAMA! I would have voted for Obama but I'm Canadian. Alucard for President 2012 everybody. And if you have any requests, dial me up and we'll talk.

Bye Bye: Master of the Boot


	9. What are the other guys doing

Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Nine: What are the other guys doing?

Disclaimer: This is purely for fun; I am making no profit from this. Other than reviews.

Seras Victoria led Sir Integra down the hall towards the Hellsing leader's bed chambers. Seras had no idea where Integra's bedroom was and she was reluctant to ask for directions.

Seras tried to ask, "Um, Sir Integra, I'd like to ask you something".

Integra gave Seras a look that held a great deal of strength but very little intelligence. "Ask"? Integra said the word as though she had forgotten what it meant.

"Yes, ask, it's where people ask and . . . oh never mind. Do you remember where your bedroom is"?

Integra grew slightly irritated, "Yes, I remember where my bedroom is. I'm not an idiot. IDIOT. . . STUPID . . . PISS . . . BODILY FUNCTIONS . . . CORN . . . FIBER . . . INDIGESTIBLE VEGETABLE".

Seras tried to summon some more patience, "Sir Integra, the matter at hand? Your bedroom"?

"BEDROOM . . . HAND . . . MASTURBATION . . . MUTUAL . . . ATTRACTIVE POLICEGIRL . . . CHEWING"

"Look here Sir Integra, I don't mean to be coarse, but I'm getting awfully tired of rebuffing your flimsily disguised sexual advances". Seras cut off Sir Integra as she was about to spout off more drivel, adopting a tone of voice that she had used as a policewoman when dealing with drunken teenagers. "Now for the last time, where is your bedroom"?

Integra pointed to the door to her left, "That's where my bedroom is Sally".

Seras looked in the direction that Integra was pointing in. There before her eyes was a door, much the same as all the doors in the Hellsing manor that weren't solid steel security doors coated in ceremonial silver. The fledgling vampire smiled; perhaps there would be no need for her to run around the mansion trying to find her leader's bedroom .It never occurred to her for one moment that this might not be the door to Sir Integra's bedroom. Seras also failed to take notice that the door had not been there a moment ago.

Seras opened the door for Integra and looked inside. Sure enough, Sir Integra's bedroom awaited them. Integra walked into her room. With her fierce and dumb look, Integra surveyed the room. Seras stood tentatively at the door, half expecting Integra to tell her that this wasn't really her room. The other half of her expected Integra to launch into another stream of word relation and madness.

Finally Integra turned to Seras, "This is my room. Very good Sally".

Seras smile flickered on her face, but she decided against correcting Sir Integra. As it was her patience was wearing thin and she was in need of some blood to sate her appetite.

Integra immediately sat down on the bed and started to remove her clothing. If Seras still had the ability, she would be blushing as brightly as a cherry. First to be removed were Integra's gloves, the glasses were the next to go followed by her jacket. Integra looked up at the mortally embarrassed vampire and said, "Sally could you go and pick up that sock that's fallen down on the ground over there".

Seras, still chipper with the exuberance of youth, thoughtlessly went in to pick up the sock. She skipped over to the fallen article of clothing and bent down to retrieve it. As Seras hand touched the silk fabric of the sock, she received a rude awakening. "MOON . . . LARGE . . . ROUND . . . SILKY SKIN".

Seras shot up like a rocket. If she was embarrassed before, it was nothing compared to how she now felt. Being the pretty girl that she was, Seras had faced a great deal of unwanted sexual attention in her lifetime. One lesson she had learned was that when you wear a skirt, bend from the knees. She had taken this lesson and applied it day in and day out until bending at the knees had become second nature when guys were around. Once before in her life, she had fallen for such an obvious trick, and it still smarted as much as it did then.

Seras then did something that surprised her. She took two sturdy steps towards Sir Integra and slapped her across the face. She didn't do her commanding officer any lasting damage; she only hit Integra hard enough to feel it. Seras shoved her face into Integra's face, invading the taller woman's personal space. "I've had just about all that I can take from you"!

Integra gasped, her face regaining a little bit of its old look. "I'm sorry", she breathed.

Immediately the anger drained out of Seras and left her feeling a little bit ashamed. She smiled at the currently incapacitated Hellsing leader, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It's that Q bloke. Can you forgive me"?

Integra ignored Seras question and instead pointed at something behind Seras. "Sally what's that"?

Seras frowned before looking behind her. She was looking at a giant neon sign which read, "_It's a trap stupid!_"

"Oh bugger me", Seras uttered. Suddenly, she and Integra were no longer inside of the supposed "bedroom". Instead they were inside of a massive stone fortress that looked like it was modeled after a medieval painting of hell. The inside of this fortress was teeming with ugly humanoid creatures that were all armed to the teeth.

Seras was speechless as very quickly, the creatures noticed the intruders in the Hollow. This allowed her to get a better look at their hideous faces. All of them possessed pallid scaly skin and beady yellow eyes. Factor in their lantern jaws and sharp teeth and these guys looked like people that you'd rather not meet on a dark night.

The whole of the Locust horde was staring down the two humans who had out of the blue materialized in the Queen's palace. Suddenly, the tall and masculine one said, "What are you freaks looking at"?

No sooner had Integra talked back to these creatures did they all open fire with whatever weapons they were carrying. Before any of the exploding arrows, bullets, grenades or geysers of flaming napalm could hit Integra; Seras had snatched her up and ran around the nearest corner.

Bullets whizzed around the corner that Seras had picked as cover. While they were shooting, these grotesque assailants cried out things like, "**Serve the Queen**" or "**Ground walker**" or oddly enough, "**Sausage with Cheese**". Seras could only assume that all these angry weapon toting freaks wanted to kill and eat her and Sir Integra.

Seras was in the middle of coordinating a battle plan when somebody bumped into her. Spinning around, Seras looked upon her would be allies. The apparent leader of the group was a grizzled war veteran wearing a bandana. Behind him stood a vaguely Hispanic fellow with a neck of uncanny thickness. Next were an enormous black man who was built like a linebacker and a blond dude wearing goggles. At the back of the line stood what seemed to be a seven foot tall robot or something with a golden visor where his face should have been.

Immediately the grizzled veteran barked at Seras, "Who the hell are you"?

Seras shot back, "What do you mean who the hell am I? Who the hell are you"?

Something exploded rather near them and made them all duck for cover, with the exception of the green robot man. From behind his golden visor came a level voice, "Introductions later, now we fight".

Seras looked to Sir Integra, who was now cocking her handgun. She looked at Seras and said, "BASTARDS . . . PEANUTBUTTER . . . KNOCKING ON UNWANTED DOORS . . . LET'S KICK ARSE".

_London, England, a very expensive hotel_

Enrico Maxwell was very sick. The fever that he was feeling made him feel as if fire were coursing through his veins. His head was pounding as though a team of vampires with tack hammers had gone to work on it.

During the course of his illness, Maxwell was being taken care of by the Japanese nun Yumiko. It was Yumiko who fed and watered the downed Iscariot leader. She was the one that took his temperature, the one that sponged his brow with a moist cloth. She had even gone so far as to help Enrico use the bathroom. Yumiko had volunteered to take care of Maxwell; for she was as kind her split personality Yumie was cruel.

The fever was making Maxwell delusional; he was talking nonsense and having conversations with people who were not in the room. Maxwell seemed to think that Yumiko was really the Pope. "Your eminence, you must hear my case", he pleaded, "I bring most dire news".

"Rest Enrico, you will need your strength if you are to break this fever".

But Maxwell did not hear her, "Your eminence, I bring word that the Jews are plotting against us".

Yumiko reached for a glass of water and slowly moved it towards Enrico's lips but did not try to stop the Iscariot director's ranting. Enrico started once more, "The Jews conspire against us with the aid of the Freemasons and Area Fifty one".

Maxwell paused to sip some of the water held before him. His body dripped sweat as if he were inside of a sauna. "We can stop them if we act now your eminence, we . . . we". Enrico fell back on soaked pillows and panted, the ranting was taking a great deal of energy out of him.

Yumiko started to walk out towards the telephone; Enrico was going to need some new sheets very soon. It would be a simple enough matter for room service to bring up some fresh linen.

Yumiko had picked up the telephone when Enrico started ranting again, "You eminence, I have a confession to make if the lord decides that it is my time".

The demure Japanese nun solemnly approached the leader of the Catholic Church's black ops division. He nodded, motioning for him to continue.

Maxwell took a deep breath, "Your eminence, I confess it. I peep on Sister Yumiko when she is bathing. Believe me your eminence, she is glorious".

Yumiko's face suddenly went blank. She sat there while Enrico continued his delusional rants, "Beautiful . . . very beautiful". Maxwell began chuckling, "I saw a naked nun". He laughed a little harder, "Crossways pussy". And then he fell asleep.

When he got all better, Maxwell was going to have a little talk with Yumie.

_Hellsing Manor, now_

Alucard had to admit that Q could be a really fun guy when he wasn't trying to make your day hard. Alucard had tried to guess the nature of Q's purpose and had come up wrong each time. He didn't mind, neither did Q. The hapless Hellsing employees that Q boiled alive in oil seemed to mind, but what did Alucard care.

Q looked at Alucard from behind his new glasses, "I really have to commend you Alucard. You actually tried to guess right those three times. Are you getting soft"?

Alucard shrugged, "Not soft, merely bored. Human suffering doesn't excite me like it used to".

"You mean like when you were human. I think that immortality took some of the fire out of you".

Alucard glared at Q, "I have not lost my fire. I'm just a little more discriminating than I used to be".

Q leaned back in the expensive chair that he had conjured minutes ago, "You tell yourself whatever you have to if it helps you sleep at night. Do you still like to impale small animals or are you too discriminating for that"?

Alucard's face became placid but there was emotion in his eyes, "Do you have to ask, I thought that you were omniscient"?

"I am, omnipotent too. But it's far more amusing to ask than to look. When you ask, people can lie to you. When people lie to you, you can sculpt the direction that their lies take because you know the truth. And once you have the truth, then you can break them down".

Alucard's voice was distant, "Why are you bothering with this".

"With what"?

"With this charade. Pretending to be my friend one minute and the next minute you to start berating me and scorning me".

"Well, you certainly don't deserve praise Alucard".

"I have a question", Alucard asked, "If I shot you in the head, would it hurt".

"Alucard, you're a mentally unstable and emotionally retarded psychotic who should have been destroyed at birth. You haven't changed one bit". With that Q snapped his fingers and in a flash of white light, his outfit had changed. He was now dressed as a university professor. In short order, Q manifested himself a chalk board and some chalk. The god like being then started to explain to Alucard, "This is you before your tragic transformation". Q drew a smiley face on the board.

"I'm cocking my pistol Q", Alucard deadpanned.

"This is you after you transformation", Q started to draw all over the smiley face, giving it horns, fangs and stitches. "You see Alucard, you resent being a vampire so much because the person on the inside matches the person on the outside. People can see you for what you truly are, no more droves of loyal followers flocking to you because they're afraid that you'll eat them. You were a soulless monster long before becoming a vampire. Now you're just-BANG

Q was cut off as Alucard shot him in the head. For ten seconds Alucard stood there with the smoking Casull in his hand. And then Q shot up from the floor with a big honking bullet hole in his head, "You shot me". Q was astounded, "That's marvelous".

Alucard responded to Q with stony silence.

Q however was talking at a mile a minute, "You've really changed Alucard. A pitiful hundred years ago you wouldn't even slap me".

"I thought you just said that I hadn't changed".

"I did, but I changed my mind".

Alucard spoke in a sarcastic tone, "It's good to see that some things don't change".

Q snapped his fingers, the bullet hole and the professor's outfit vanished. Q was back to his default black and maroon business suit. "I'm leaving now, I have to head off and return a favor to someone named Jean-Luc. Is there anything you'd like to say before I go"?

Alucard stood up, "Yes, there is. No more games Q, I won't guess. Tell me here and now why you have come to rub salt in my wounds".

Q considered it, "Fair enough, I suppose that you have a right to know. Very well, my purpose is for you to join me".

* * *

It's been really too long since I've updated this story and I'm sorry. But I'm back again. And please, constructive criticism is always welcome. That's how I make my upcoming chapter better. I'm still open to requests so don't hesitate to ask.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	10. Confusion growing

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Ten: Confusion growing

Disclaimer: If I go insane, I'm taking the fanfiction moderators with me.

Walter walked down the halls of Hellsing manor with an injured back. On the outside he was calm but on the inside he was in a state of emotional tumult. He was angry, angry at the others for suggesting that he call an ambulance, angry that he was injured so easily. He thought back to his youth, those were the days.

Back then, Walter genuinely deserved his nickname, "The Angel of Death." In those days he had been the pinnacle of vampire slaying. They were right to have Alucard locked away; Walter would have only made him redundant.

Now though, with his injured back, Walter was more aware than ever of his advanced years. When he was fifteen years old he had taken a punch to the face from a werewolf and walked away with nothing more than a bruise. Now, he couldn't fall thirty feet without breaking or bending something.

Times like these just made Walter want to take his anger out on something capable of feeling pain. As he made his way around the corner Walter saw something that made his blood pressure rise. Somebody had taken spray paint on one of the mahogany painted walls and scrawled the message, "Beware the Sleestak." Right next to that was a large neon sign which said, "Eat at Joe's."

At the opposite end of the hall Walter saw several creatures hauling away the dead bodies of Hellsing soldiers. The creatures in question were a group of reptilian humanoids with large insect like eyes and a small horn atop each of their heads.

Walter didn't care if these were the so called Sleestak mentioned by the sign, nor did it matter to him that they had apparently killed some of the Hellsing soldiers. Walter didn't really care for those who were already dead, because when you were dead you were just rubbish. Actually, all that Walter cared about was that he would be able to take his anger out on these creatures.

Silently, Walter whipped out the monofilament wires that were his trademark weapon. Walter controlled the wires in the same way that the spider controls his web, flawlessly. The monomolecular wires waved through the air, catching flashes of light here and there. Walter made to strike . . . when suddenly his back sent out the worst pang of pain yet and Walter fell over. Maybe he should call that ambulance.

_Transylvania, unknown time, unknown location_

_The man who was nicknamed Dracula stood before all the humans in the clearing. He ignored his enemies however and focused on his hand which had turned into a slashing claw. He longed to lick the blood clean from his fingers and it was no mystery why. _

_The humans had now snapped out of their shock and were advancing on him with crosses and crossbows loaded with bolts which had blessed silver tips. Vampire or not, these men were his enemies. And Vlad the Impaler knew how to deal with his enemies. _

_Dracula screamed loudly into the night sky, his warbling inhuman cry shook the earth and caused all the beasts of the forest to flee. The sheer force of his rage and fear caused fires to spring up every which place. The priests and their soldiers tried to avoid the blue devils fire which latched onto their clothing and burned their crosses to cinders. But they could not avoid Dracula. _

_Screaming once more, Dracula flung himself at his enemies like an animal cornered. His hands now formed slashing claws, his fingers like steak knives. As he hacked apart the priests, Dracula became aware of the smell and the color of blood. It called to him like a drug calls to an addict. The blood's powerful pull only made Dracula scream harder. He would no longer be the maker of his own destiny. Instead the craving for blood would be his master from now on. _

_Before he could drink any of the precious red fluid, Dracula took flight into the forest. He ran fast enough that he could not be seen by human eyes. Whatever stood in his way was destroyed. Animals were eviscerated and trees uprooted like they were daisies. Dracula smashed boulders into gravel or flung them afar as if they had no more weight but that of oranges. _

_Dracula screamed once more, bloody tears fell from his eyes. He had been snatched from Death's cold grasp and placed on this earth as a demon. Dracula was now totally alone in the world. Who would swear allegiance to him now that all who might swear allegiance would know of his cursed state? He was without allies in a world full of enemies, no more legions of loyal followers; he was now at the very bottom of the societal ladder. Perhaps deservedly so. _

_In a single instant, Dracula's world had been turned upside down. With a flourish, Dracula renewed his pace, running faster than the race cars of the twentieth century. He continued to race until he was stopped by a fast flowing river. _

_Try as he may, Dracula could not cross the moving water. He cursed himself for his lack of memory. As a human he'd known everything there was to know about vampires. Now that he was one, it wouldn't do to forget all that vampire lore. _

_Dracula then heard a voice that he'd hoped to never hear again, "Come friend, let us both pray."_

_Dracula spun around to see __**him.**__ Right before him was the man who had put Dracula on trial and taken his head. The man continued to speak, "Let us pray, for forgiveness as well as compassion. Though I confess, forgiveness and compassion were never highly valued by you were they?"_

_There he stood, dressed in the humble robes of a monk. Dracula lunged at him, but no sooner did he lay a hand on his foe did his entire arm crumble into ash. Dracula screamed in pain and confusion at his now missing arm. Through gritted teeth he asked his opponent, "Who are you?"_

"_My name is Q."_

_Dracula hissed, "You dare to mock me, I demand that you tell me your name so that I may carve it upon your grave."_

"_That is my name and it holds more weight than any of the meaningless titles that you used to hold." _

_Dracula made to strike Q with his remaining arm but thought better of it. "You will change me back, reinstate me as a human." _

_Q laughed and with a snap of his fingers changed his garb. Now the omnipotent being dressed like an officer from the Impaler's army, "I will do no such thing. You will stay as you are, until you cease to exist. I give you my personal guarantee."_

_Dracula saw that his lost arm was starting to grow back. The new vampire attempted to reign in his emotions, "Why did you choose me? Surely there were despots elsewhere more beastly than I?"_

"_I could name dictators, past and future, which have racked up higher body counts than you but none who were so horrible as your fair self." _

_Dracula pleaded his case, "What harm have I done? I have always been a good ruler; I saw to it that my people had order and prosperity."_

_Q sighed, "Peace and prosperity, those words have been thrown around by strong armed tyrants such as yourself so many times that they have ceased to have any meaning. What you did was take the lives of your people and rule over them as a wolf lords over the sheep." Q saw the enraged look on Dracula's face but did not allow him to speak, "Don't act so surprised, you knew what you were doing for all the years of your rule. It's why I chose you as the worst; you knew what you were doing, more acutely than anybody else." _

_Before Q continued he conjured up a table and two chairs, forcing Dracula to sit. "Now oh Dark prince, I would just wish to give you a warning. I have seen your future, for I possess all the powers of the false God of the Christians and more. I see what you will do and what you will become. You will be punished during your time on this earth, I give you my word. The question is, will you learn your lesson?"_

_Dracula wanted to rip the insolent being to shreds but his body would not respond. "Release me devil, or I may have to give you a lesson in utter devastation."_

_Q shook his head, "I see that still you refuse to acknowledge that this punishment is just. Very well, here is the first bit of suffering for you to sample." _

_Immediately Q stood up and walked over to Dracula, who was still captive in his chair. Dracula could not even struggle, he could only glare at his tormentor and creator. Gingerly, Q placed a hand on Dracula's shoulder, the effect was almost instant. _

_Dracula began to feel weak, his breaths came in short gasps. He was starting to feel cold, but no amount of shivering could warm him up. Very soon the effects became visible. Dracula's skin started to become thin and papery, as though his vitality were being sucked from him. Q continued to suck the life from Dracula, smiling as he did so. _

_In his chair, Dracula was overcome with the greatest sense of helplessness. He couldn't think, he couldn't free himself; it was getting harder to think and to see. His vision was going dark around the edges. Even his clothes, rich and expensive, were starting to crumble. _

_Now his muscles were starting to shrink as his body attempted to free up a source of energy. In less than one minute, Dracula was skin and bones, his hair falling out in great clumps. Suddenly, it stopped. Dracula fell forward onto the ground utterly ruined. _

_Q took a moment to survey the former prince. Dracula's clothes had rotted until all that remained was a loincloth. The vampire's once luxuriant hair had fallen out, leaving behind ratty clumps. His once muscular physique was now nothing but papery skin and brittle bones. _

_The only vibrant feature on Dracula now were his eyes, they glowed like nothing in nature ought to. That new part of Dracula, the beast, it wanted to be fed, would not be denied. _

_Q grinned, "Don't worry, this is not permanent. As soon as you get some fresh blood into your system, you'll be right as rain." _

_There was a white flash of light and Q was gone. _

_Unknown Distance from Rio, Brazil_

Dok couldn't help but wonder, what was going on with the Captain. As of late he'd begun to display some very disturbing attitude problems. He had gone on several random rampages, usually leaving those around him much less happy than when they started out.

Schrodinger had come to Dok crying, claiming that the Captain had crushed his fingers and hit him with a lamp post. Now everybody at Millennium's secret base was keeping their distance from the Captain.

Since returning from the shopping trip, the Captain had been behaving normally but Dok didn't know how long this was going to last. If he had to guess, that man who gave the Major a chicken brain was responsible for this.

Dok sorted through the groceries that the Captain had bought. He wondered why the Captain had bought playing cards for Tubalcain when the South American card shark was dead. Why had he bought bulbs of garlic that stung the noses of the troops, forcing Dok to throw them out?

Dok shook his head; he was going through so much trouble. The Major was up in his quarters with a bowl of corn, even with a chicken's brain, he still had a large appetite.

Suddenly the television monitor behind him crackled to life. Dok spun around to view a screen full of static. Suddenly an image appeared on the television that made Dok wonder just how much more weird things were going to get.

On the screen was a bizarre looking figure sitting on top of a plastic cow, dressed like a cowboy. The figure on the cow cackled wildly as he swung around a lasso in an inexperienced manner. "Is your homosexual partner acting like a chicken? Is your pet werewolf goin apeshit? Do you want things to return to normal? Then come on down and see me folks."

Dok's lip curled in disgust at the strange man on the plastic cow, even with the bad reception, he looked positively filthy.

The strange man continued with his commercial, "Well I just happen to be the world's leading expert on the solving of paranormal problems. I'll set your wolf strait, I'll make the Major lop off twenty pounds and hell, I'll even neuter Schrodinger's cat!"

Dok was taken slightly aback, sure it would be nice if the Major lost some weight, but did he really want Schrodinger neutered?

"So come on down and bring the boys with you. We've got plenty of snakes and lizards and whores to keep your army of Nazi vampires happy. And for a limited time only, I will throw in a free demonic possession. Can you beat that? And for en even more limited time only, I'll go down on London Town, for FREE!"

The weird cowboy man seemed to be wrapping up his advertisement, "So ladies and gents just say my name three times and I'll come a knocking at your door and set everything straight." As he said this a word flashed across the screen three times.

"Betelgeuse?" Dok wondered.

Suddenly Schrodinger appeared in the room, "Dok ve haff a problem."

"Vhat ist it now?"

"The Captain, he ambushed Zorin Blitz vith a chain in the shower and now he's vrestling her naked in the shower. She's screaming for help."

Dok wondered if maybe he should say that strange man's name.

_Planet Sera, alternate universe, current time_

"I'm just saying that since we're all taking a break from fighting those big grey guys."

"Locusts."

"Sorry Locusts, I'm just saying that we should get to know each other. Learn one another's names." Seras explained herself to her new companions. When nobody introduced themselves she started off, "Well, I'm Seras Victoria and this is Integra Hellsing."

The group looked at Integra who said, "GEARS . . . COGS . . . CLOCKS . . . MONKEY BALLS . . . FURR."

Seras explained to the group, "Normally she's very smart. How about you?"

The green UNSC cyborg was blunt and to the point, "I'm Spartan 117, rank Master Chief Petty officer."

Seras smiled, "Alright, how about you?"

"Augustus Cole, also known as the Cole Train."

Seras shook Cole's large hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you Cole. How about you with the goggles?"

"I'm Baird and lady, there's no way in hell that you're getting my fucking blood." The blond was as surly as he looked.

Suddenly the grisly man in the bandanna smacked Baird, "Shut up Baird. I'm Marcus Fenix, this is Dom Santiago; I did ten years in prison for deserting my post."

Seras was a little taken aback by Marcus's statement about prison time, "Um, that's nice Marcus."

Marcus then looked to the guy that had fallen out of the sky, "While we're at it, why don't you explain to us what the hell happened out there. You fall out of the sky and suddenly the Locusts we just killed come back to life, uglier and meaner than before. Who are you?"

The strange with a large chin smiled like a hero from a nineteen twenties pulp comic, "Well GI Joe, I'll break it down real easy for you. Name's Ash, house wares. I'm just a handsome devil who's seen more than his fair share of ugly. Those things you saw were deadites, solid bodies possessed by a spirit from beyond hell. These guys are the mother of all pain in the asses. But if you want to know how it really started then take a seat, I'm going to tell you army goons how I went to hell and back . . . and back again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and . . . again."

* * *

Thank you for reading this everybody, your reviews mean the world to me. Check out my other works in case your get bored and make sure to brush your teeth. The excellent crossover Men of War, by EZB has been updated so give that one a look see while you're at it.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	11. Intent Revealed

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Eleven: Intent Revealed

Disclaimer: Hellsing and Star Trek are the property of their respective owners. I am doing this without their permission and am making no revenue from this.

_Hellsing Manor, current time_

Q snapped his fingers, the bullet hole and the professor's outfit vanished. Q was back to his default black and maroon business suit. "I'm leaving now, I have to head off and return a favor to someone named Jean-Luc. Is there anything you'd like to say before I go"?

Alucard stood up, "Yes, there is. No more games Q, I won't guess. Tell me here and now why you have come to rub salt in my wounds".

Q considered it, "Fair enough, I suppose that you have a right to know. Very well, my purpose is for you to join me".

Alucard stood there for a moment, completely dumbfounded. He didn't know what to say, or how to react. His eyes widened a little bit but otherwise he showed no outward response.

Q gave a sly look to Alucard, "Does my offer tempt you?"

Alucard was still shocked; this was all some elaborate joke. "I would rather die than willingly join you."

Q made a faux concerned face before saying, "I was afraid that you'd say that. Fortunately, I am well acquainted with some aggressive persuasion techniques."

Alucard laughed, "You're going to try and torture me?"

The omnipotent being looked flabbergasted, "Alucard you wound me, I would never stoop so low as to torture you. I'd have someone else torture you for me."

Alucard shook his head and took a seat, "You have been the bane of my existence for five centuries. Compared to you, Van Helsing was a friendly masseuse. What guarantee do I have that joining you would be better than servitude under the Hellsing family?"

Q conjured himself some biscuits and a pot of tea before responding to Alucard, "Ah, good old Integra. You seem rather fond of that girl." Q willed some of the tea into a teacup where it smelled pleasantly of mint, "Your previous masters were not as lenient as Integra. Arthur locked you away for just over half a century and Abraham was, well, Abraham."

Alucard sneered, "Abraham was the worst of them. I couldn't have been happier when syphilis rotted off his genitals and then rotted out his mind."

"No good deed goes unpunished, Alucard." Q put down his tea cup and reached for a biscuit, "Actually, no deed at all goes unpunished. Whether you're good or bad, you will be punished. All you can do is try to be optimistic when the final blow is dealt."

"I'll never join you Q. No matter what lies you spout."

Q nibbled on his biscuit, seemingly unconcerned with what Alucard had to say, "I am a trickster Alucard, I wrap my words with misdirection and I appear to tell you tell you everything when in fact I tell you nothing. I leave out facts so that you're no better than a sightless man in a room full of blades. But I never lie, don't insinuate that I do."

Alucard leaned closer to Q, "Or else what?"

Q said in a nonchalant voice, "Or else I'll teleport you into the center of the sun."

"And what else?"

"After that, I might throw you into a black hole and let you rot there for an eternity, stretched infinitely thin and unable to do anything about it."

"Is that it?"

Q put down his half eaten biscuit and started to laugh, "Alucard, that's why I love your company. Jean-Luc is the voice of reason amidst an insane and chaotic world. But you, you are a piece of work if I've ever seen one."

"Oh really?" Alucard didn't like Q, but he did like it when people praised him, even if it was Q.

"Oh most certainly. In this mad world that you call home you are like the mad hatter, drinking your tea with mercury instead of cream. When madness rears its ugly head, you show your face and madness says, "_And I thought I was scary_." Q paused to change out of his maroon and black suit. With a snap of his fingers, Q was dressed in a white and black outfit the likes of which convicts dressed up in.

The costume certainly had meaning to Alucard; years ago Renfield had worn just such an outfit, right down to the shoes with their soles full of holes. Q had changed more than his clothes, Renfield's teeth had been that exact same shad of yellow. He even smelled like Renfield, unfortunately.

"Renfield got a bad rap because of you Alucard. He couldn't even hold a candle to you. You just managed to hide your insanity with expensive suits and refined manners."

Alucard wrinkled his nose, "I don't mean to offend you but your stench is burning out my nostrils. Would you mind assuming a form that is less offensive?"

Q threw up his hands in the air, showcasing the dirt under his fingernails, "Dr. Seward was so cruel to Renfield. He didn't even give him any soap to wash himself with."

"That is true, but Renfield would have likely eaten the bar of soap hoping to consume its soul."

Q snapped his fingers and suddenly assumed the clothes of Dr. Seward, "But we grow ever more distracted. I want you to join me and you want to destroy me. Will either of us get what we want?"

Alucard pretended to dust himself off, "You will get what you want. I getting what I want is far more unlikely."

"And what is it that you want, Alucard?"

"I want everything." He said it like it was so big trouble.

Q looked at Alucard as though he asked for nothing, "I could do that, quite easily."

"Would you do that?"

Q reached forward and tweaked Alucard's nose, "No I wouldn't. It would be far more fun to watch you go through life never getting what it is you desire."

Alucard stood up, "Well then Q, if you do know everything then you know when I'm going to leave this room."

"I believe that you'll leave this room in two seconds."

Alucard smiled, "That's right." With that, he started to make his exit.

Alucard was just about to walk through a wall when Q teleported in front of him, back in his default suit. Alucard and Q were standing at exactly the same height, the sprite and the devil. Alucard said with as much politeness as he could, "Q, get out of my way or I crush you like a ball of garbage and keep you around as a keychain."

Q had a smile on his face but there was no mirth in his voice, "You're not taking my offer seriously Alucard, it is in your best interest that you say yes to my too generous proposition."

"You offer me escape from one form of slavery by charging into another type of slavery. Generous is hardly the word that I'd use."

"As ever Alucard, your perception and your intelligence come nowhere near the level of your madness. I offer you more than slavery. What you shall be thrust into is a dream lifestyle for you. I will offer you greater scope for your pleasures and abilities than any Hellsing ever could. You would be my standard bearer, my wildcard."

"Get out of my way, Q." Alucard practically trembled with rage.

"I will do no such thing until you have heard what I have to say in its completeness." Q's smile slipped away and was replaced with a dire look, "The services that I will demand of you will not be easy. You will die, I guarantee it. When I decide your time has come, you will bite the dust and your cold dead body will give up its ghost. But you have my solemn promise, that even though you will die, death will prove a superior alternative to what fate awaits you here."

Q sighed before he snapped his fingers. A laptop computer materialized in a flash of white light on the conference room table. "If you are curious about what will happen to you if you say no, that laptop will explain everything to you. I want you to make a decision, an honest and informed decision. I will return in six hours, you have until then to make up your mind."

There was a white flash of light and then Q was gone, along with all the objects he'd conjured out of thin air, except for the laptop.

Alucard took the time to introspect, if what Q said was true, then that laptop computer would tell him his future at Hellsing. Did he dare look that far ahead? Even if some horrible fate was in store for him, could he simply leave the only people on earth that could even begin to feel love for him. Could he leave Police Girl, Integra and Walter behind?

Alucard needed something to take his mind off of all of it. If only something were to attack him then for a moment at least he could forget his troubles.

His wishes were granted when something large and menacing crashed through the wall of the conference room, as though Hellsing manor hadn't suffered enough damage. Alucard grinned as he sized up his new enemy. It was mean and deadly looking, which was all Alucard cared about.

Standing before the former vampire king was a giant man wielding an equally large chainsaw. The man was dressed up in blue coveralls like a farmer and easily reached eight feet tall. The man was incredibly wide too, too wide in fact to fit through any doorframe that Alucard had ever seen. But the man's most striking feature was the fact that he had a jack-o-lantern for a head.

The giant pumpkin headed man chuckled before saying to Alucard, "_Soy Curcurito. Prepararse para morir." _

Alucard grinned at Curcurito's threat, "Your ass is mine, Jack Skellington." Alucard pulled out both his handguns and aimed them at Curcurito's pumpkin head. In response, Curcurito revved his saw and made ready to charge.

Before either of them could attack, several more enemies came charging through the gaping hole in the wall. Five handsome Nordic men with bombs for hands came screaming and shouting at they ran through the hole, past Curcurito and towards Alucard. Alucard couldn't take it anymore; he just started laughing like a lunatic just as the first of the bomb-handed men exploded.

_Planet Sera, alternate universe_

There they were, a vampire, a Hellsing, a house wares salesman, a Spartan 2 and four gears. They were quite a group of characters, not that you'd want to bother them with all the firepower they were carrying. The group of unlikely allies had fought tooth and nail to get to where they were, the locust palace. Here they stood in the very throne room of the queen, who was not at all what they expected.

"That's the Locust Queen? I thought she's supposed to be butt ugly." Cole said in a confused voice.

Ever the wiseass, Ash decided to give the Queen a piece of his mind, "Let's not kid ourselves lady, you're hot, but you're trying to wipe out the human race. So what'd ya say you drop the whole kill-humanity thing and we can go down and get _freaky-deaky_ if you know what I'm saying?" Ash raised his eyebrows and shook his hips a little to try and accent his point.

The silence was so thick that you could almost hear cricket noise. The Locust Queen gave Ash an icy look that outperformed even Integra's best work.

Baird looked at Ash as though he wanted to ask, "_What the fuck were you thinking_?"

Ash gave Baird an awkward look that just seemed to say, "_Hey, she's hot. I had to try._"

The Locust Queen started to speak in an icy tone that was eerily reminiscent of Integra, "You are the first humans to ever desecrate this palace with your presence."

Marcus Fenix looked the Queen square in the eye, "Well, if you're planning to flood the hollow, then I guess we would be the last."

At the moment, Integra started up again, bloody sword in hand, "PALACE . . . ALADIN . . . MIDDLE EAST . . . FEMALE CIRCUMCISION . . . IRAN . . . SHE RAN . . . ALSO RAN."

The Locust Queen paid so attention to Integra's ranting, "Yes, though the great worm is destroyed, there are other methods to bring about our grand design." She raised one hand and held in the light a book that was bound in human flesh and inked in blood.

Ash recognized the book instantly, "The Necronomicon!"

"The what?" Seras asked.

The Queen elaborated, "This is a book that we had thought lost forever. But fate it seems has other intentions." The Queen started to pace like an animal faced with prey but is not hungry, "With this book, we will wipe out the humans along with the lambent and banish the deadites to the space between spaces."

Marcus growled at the Queen, "Not if we sink this place first."

A guttural and inhuman voice reverberated through the chamber, "Silence your fool tongue, human." The speaker in question was a massive locust general with a face that looked discerningly more human than his compatriots. He was big, bigger than the Master Chief and wore spiked shoulder pads with human skulls impaled on them.

The Queen smiled, "You've met SCYTHE, as well as Skorge." She indicated the giant locust that was kneeling by her side. Skorge was leaner and far more sinewy then SCYTHE. Skorge wore a helmet that had many dreadlock like cords hanging from it, making him look like something out of an American science fiction film that Seras had seen once. Skorge was every bit as ugly and scary as SCYTHE, just in a different way.

Skorge shifted his gaze until he met eyes with Seras. Seras glared back at Skorge, who flicked out a forked tongue. This made Seras jump back, anything that reminded her of a snake was a big no.

The Queen focused her attention on Marcus, "You are the son of Adam Fenix, why then did you not follow in his footsteps?"

Marcus was confused, "The hell you talking about?"

The Queen began to talk away, escorted by her dozen and half Theron guards, "It doesn't matter anymore, Skorge, SCYTHE, destroy them all."

SCYTHE smiled, an expression that looked diabolical on him. Skorge hissed and revved up his double headed chainsaw poleax. Skorge began to spin the chainsaw bladed weapon round and around like some kind of mutant ninja.

SCYTHE looked to the Master Chief before pulling out two golden energy blades, "Come Demon, unless you are afraid."

A high pitched shriek was heard as a berserker lumbered into the room. "That one is mine." Seras hissed as her eyes turned bloody red.

Ash looked at the situation all around him, Marcus and Dom were going after the Queen, there was a guy with a better chainsaw than him and about a million freaks, deadite or lambent standing just outside the door. Yep, things looked about even, "If that's the way you want it," Ash withdrew his shotgun, "Come get some."

_Planet Earth, unknown distance from Rio, our universe_

Dok was reluctant to do this, but he was running out of options. Captain's behavior was getting worse, twenty minutes ago the stoic werewolf had passed by an empty microwave oven and upon seeing it, started opening and closing the microwave while screaming "BITCH" at the top of his lungs.

Five minutes ago, the Major had laid an egg, that was the final straw. So he was going to try and summon the guy whose name was pronounced "Beetlejuice".

Dok said it once, "Beetlejuice." Nothing happened, he tried it again, "Beetlejuice." Again, nothing. Thus Dok said the name once more, not aware of the world of hurt that he was in for, "Beeltejuice."

* * *

I just wanted to thank all of my readers and reviewers for taking the time and reading the product of my scrambled brains. I do not own General SCYTHE, EZB owns him. Remember to read and review, that requests are welcome and all reviews, flame or constructive are welcome. So have a good day then.

TA

Master of the Boot


	12. Verdict en Rout

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Twelve: Verdict en rout

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, Star Trek or any other related series in this.

_People are of no value. We could make more sometime, if we need them._

_-Mark Twin, the Mysterious Stranger_

_London, England, 1897_

"_You would play your games against mine? Against me who has commanded nations? How many men have gone against me? How many men have failed? Your loved ones are mine, your lives are mine. Before the curtain closes on this farcical opera, I will see you all either as my slaves or as food for the worm." And then Count Dracula vanished. _

_He did not turn into mist or transform into a bat or something equally mundane. Instead he vanished as if he'd never been. _

_Instantly, the Count teleported into the place that he called home away from home. Carfax Abbey was a dismal place, gone for decades without repair this once beautiful church had been made into a home for spiders, cobwebs and every low life thug in need of a sanctuary from the law. _

_Dracula had personally overseen the removal of all the human squatters: draining their blood and twisting their heads off to prevent them from turning. A lesser vampire might have required an army of vampires and ghouls but not he. He was Dracula, foremost amongst his kind, a one man invasion force. _

_Since he was first cursed to become a vampire, he had thrown himself wholly into the world of darkness. He had increased his study of the black arts and sharpened his knowledge of cruelty. He had his cunning, his cruelty and an army of familiars to accomplish his mission. _

_There was nothing left for him in Transylvania. His predations had slowly but steadily de-peopled the land. What Count Dracula needed was a new feeding ground where he indulge his every dark desire. _

_But more than to feed, he wanted to build a land which only had one rule: obey the leader. The leader to be obeyed would be him. _

_A sarcastic voice made Dracula spin around, "So sure are you that you will succeed that you have forgotten a highly crucial detail. _

_Dracula laid eyes on the impish and all powerful Q, "And what pray tell, might I have neglected to consider?" _

_Q smiled at Dracula. The space god sat in a high backed wooden chair, carved from oak and decorated in silver. Q's suit was something that a very wealthy man might wear to a loved one's funeral, his hands clasped a cane which was topped in a diamond carving of a skull. "You could lose, Count." _

_Dracula sneered at his most hated enemy, "I could lose, but I will not." _

"_And you are certain of impeding victory that you would cavort with the women of your sworn enemies?" _

_Dracula's smile was filled with terrible mirth, "A jest, a mere amusement. I do these things that I may cloud my enemies minds with foolish rage." _

_Q's eyes shone, "You are a child." _

_The king of Vampires snarled, "What did you say?"_

_Q shot up from his seat and twirled his diamond headed cane like a baton, "I had said that you are a child brained menace who has learned nothing. I did not give you this curse so that you could continue blundering your way through the ages like a drunkard on his way home." _

_Dracula spun around and started to leave the room when Q teleported right in front of him. Dracula drew an unnecessary breath, "If you will speak your piece or you will leave here, you will not be able to do both."_

_Q spoke in a voice of subtle sinister quality, "Nothing I do is without purpose. I never give a single meaning to a single word or use one word when I can use three. Part of any punishment is that the punished must gain something from their penitence." _

_Dracula started to move towards the seat that Q had conjured, "I am neither penitent nor am I being punished. I have taken this curse and have used it to fully realize all that I am capable of." _

_Q vanished and all that was left of his visit was the diamond skull cane. Suddenly the can stood up on its own and turned its carbon crystal gaze towards the former Transylvanian Prince. _

_The Diamond skull spoke using Q's voice, "Truly you are as narrow minded and as blind as you were as a human and yet, you are still aware of your own hypocrisy." _

_Dracula sneered at Q's new disguise, "This pathetic, even for you Q. What is your need for costumes and trickery?" _

"_Silence, Vampire", the cane instructed. When Dracula was sufficiently quiet, the cane spoke once more, "Clearly you have not learned anything of value in your cursed existence. Very well then, I shall see to it that you are placed in an environment where a lesson can be pounded into that thick head of yours. A place among the humans" _

_Dracula's eyes widened first and then narrowed, "Are you implying what I think you do? Do you mean to aid my enemies?" _

_The diamond skull spoke, but with a different voice, "Q is gone, he no longer wishes to speak with you." _

"_Answer my question!" Dracula roared at the fancy cane. _

_The diamond skull smiled, "I shall do no such thing. Q has instructed me to tell you that the answers will come when they hurt the most." _

_Immediately Dracula seized the cane and smashed its head on the stone floor. The flawless carved diamond shattered like glass and its pieces scattered across the floor. _

_Dracula surveyed the large but filthy room. The spiders and rats were descending to the floor, picking up the pieces of shattered diamond at his behest. A furious resolution filled Dracula's heart, he would not fail. He would prove to them all who was the superior being, Van Helsing and Q both. _

_Immediately a plan began to form in the twisted recesses of Dracula's mind. The Englishmen had destroyed nearly all of his boxes of soil. Without the soil of Transylvania he would not be able to metabolize blood into energy nor cross moving water. The most logical course of action was to head back home and return with fresh loads of soil. _

_If the English pursued him, he would utilize his homeland's mountainous landscape to his advantage; get his gypsies to set an ambush for the English. _

_Indeed, it would all work out just fine. Q would eat his words while Van Helsing would eat his severed fingers and toes. Dracula chuckled at the image of that. _

_Present day, South America, unknown distance from Rio_

Dok regretted lots of things in his life. He regretted moving to South America. He regretted not moving to a liberal country and marrying the Major. He regretted spilling wine on the Captain five minutes ago, causing the typically stoic werewolf to start swearing and smashing the lab to bits. He also regretted that when the Major couldn't perform sexually his thoughts would wander to the Captain with his rock hard flesh and huge muscles.

But now more than anything, Dok regretted saying the name of a certain ghost whose name was pronounced as "_Beetlejuice_."

Beetlejuice had been free for about six minutes. He hadn't done as much damage as Alucard could have, but he was only getting warmed up.

Dok had said Beetlejuice's name three times, just as the commercial had said. Once the words had been uttered, Beetlejuice's image had appeared on the laboratory's main television screen. The screen was large enough that Dok could get a good look at just how grotesque Beetlejuice looked.

His skin was pale and sported numerous green splotches, as if some manner of fungus or bacteria were infecting him. Beetlejuice's hair was a messy tangle of white that grew like weeds. His body was clad in a stylized black and white suit. Extraordinarily dark circles lined his eyes. With a grin and a gesture, Beetlejuice said, "It's show time."

Like a demented jack-in-the-box, Beetlejuice shot out of the TV screen with a shower of broken glass and sparks.

For a few seconds Beetlejuice zoomed over Dok's head like superman before plummeting like a stone. Beetlejuice hit the metal floor at Dok's feet and bounced like a rubber ball. The filthy specter wrapped his arms around Dok in an invasive embrace, "Dok, thanks a million billion. I tell ya, if you hadn't gotten me out of there I'd have been stuck there forever."

Dok pushed the obnoxious ghost away from him, disgust clearly showing on his face. "Could you just, keep avay for a little bit?"

Beetlejuice replied, "Sure, sure, if I've overstepped my boundaries just tell me."

Dok was uncertain of how to proceed, "You said on the TV, that you would help with my problems."

"That's what I said and don't wear it out. In six hundred years of being dead I'm the ghost with the most. I'll do anything and I mean anything." At that moment, Beetlejuice started to cough and gag. Quite unpleasantly he coughed up what might have at one point been a dog's body part. Beetlejuice held up the half digested piece of dog, "Whoa, that's a keeper." And he stuffed it into his pocket.

Dok cringed at Beetlejuice's flagrant disregard for any form of cleanliness, "Um, so do you think that you can help?"

Beetlejuice threw an arm around Dok's shoulder and started to talk to the Nazi scientist as if they were old friends, "See here's the thing El Doktor. Before I get started you're going to have to show me around the place, give me the grand tour."

Dok stuttered, "I-I don't understand."

Beetlejuice started to saunter around the lab, picking up and dropping items at will. At one point he took a drink from a random test tube and shuddered at the buzz it gave him. He reached for another test tube when he started to explain to Dok, "I'm not doing this for free sister, you want me to play mommy and kiss your problems goodbye. You're going to have to pay me."

"Vhat is it that you vant for payment?"

Beetlejuice paused with a new beaker halfway to his mouth, what did he want? He just brushed it off, "Hell, I don't know. I'll think of something later." He gave a sniggering laugh before drinking the test tube. Upon drinking the tube's contents, Beetlejuice crouched low and held his hands before his face. "I'm seeing shit I ain't never saw before, what's in those tubes anyways?"

It was at that moment that Zorin Blitz entered the room.

Beetlejuice's face lit up like a Christmas tree, "Well, what've we got here!" With the grace of a gazelle, Beetlejuice leapt up into Zorin's unwilling arms, his face almost touching hers. "Let me ask you a couple of questions. Are you a man or a woman? Do you have a wife? Are you pre-op or post-op?"

Zorin responded with a display of brute power. She dropped Beetlejuice to the floor and proceeded to stomp on his head like a French maid stomping grapes.

When she was done, Beetlejuice's head looked like a very unappetizing pancake. Beetlejuice rose up shakily, his flattened head waving in the air conditioner's breeze like a flag. Groaning, he stuck his thumb into his mouth and blew hard on it. His head inflated like a balloon and returned to its normal shape.

Rather than seeming angry, Beetlejuice gave Zorin a knowing smile and a wave of his finger. "Playing hard to get huh, I LIKE it!"

Zorin moved her scythe towards Beetlejuice's eye, "I'm actually playing "_get the fuck avay from me shrimp or I'll rip you in half_".

Before things could get really ugly, Dok stepped in between the Butch lady-vamp and the lecherous spirit. "Vait, this is accomplishing nothing. Can you or can you not return the Captain to normal?"

Beetlejuice pulled out a toilet brush out from his jacket and started to use it to try and comb his tangled hair. "Yeah, gimme a minute. I'll get right on it. I'll do all the things I said I would."

Beetlejuice tossed the toilet brush over his shoulder and started to recite his promise from the TV, "Okay, make the Major lose weight, fix the werewolf and fix the cat. I got it."

Schrodinger had been sitting in his room playing with his dolls. One doll looked like Dok and the other looked like the Major. A third doll lay off to the side and it looked like Adolf Hitler.

Schrodinger spoke for the Dok doll, "_But Major, I vant to get married._"

He then spoke for the Major doll, "_No Major ve vill not be getting married._"

Dok doll responded, "_But I vant to get married, you said that ve could get married._"

Major doll retorted, "_The Fhuror vill not allow us to get married._"

Schrodinger made Dok doll sound distressed, "_Then you should shoot the Fhuror, he also doesn't like me._"

Schrodinger then introduced Hitler doll into the fray, "_Vhat is going on? You vill not marry, not ever. I vill kill you both._" Schrodinger then made Hitler doll start to bash Dok doll while mimicing Dok's cries of pain.

Suddenly, Beetlejuice phased through the floor and hugged Schrodinger in an inescapable embrace. In his right hand he held a giant pair of rusty scissors. He told Schrodinger, "Hold on tight fluffy –SNIP SNIP- we're going to have some laughs." Beetlejuice's maniacal laugh echoed through the halls of millennium's base just as Schrodinger started to scream.

* * *

Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to honor my work. Your reviews mean the world to me and I promise you a review reply. Somebody wanted some 40k marines, they will be there, I promise. Anyways, have a good day and God bless you all.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	13. The Battle of Sera Part 1

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Thirteen: The Battle of Sera Part 1

Disclaimer: This is a purely nonprofit endeavor of which I own nothing.

_Alternate universe, Planet Sera, Jacinto plateau_

To say that all hell had broken loose would have been a most generous assessment of the situation. Ever since the entity known as Q dumped Seras Victoria and Integra Hellsing into this war torn planet, a whole wagonload of dimensional travelers had wound up here either by design or accident.

As things went, the Locust horde was laying siege to Jacinto Plateau and generally acting in a very impolite fashion. Through the air, Locust mortars flew, blasting buildings to oblivion and splattering people all over the place. In the densely packed parts of the city, the Locusts released poison gas that clung like green and black blanket, giving all in its grip a smothering death. Locust war beasts shook the ground with their footsteps, terrifying the inhabitants of humanity's last safe place. Creatures of the Locust horde took to the skies, dropping bombs and raining bullets down on the burning human city.

Chasing after the various beasts of war were the Locusts themselves. Though they failed, they ran to keep up with the brumaks, berserkers and other monstrosities that they had brought with them from deep beneath the bowels of the earth.

Even in daylight the Locusts were formidable enemies, large muscular humanoids with pale grey skin and square faces permanently set into frightening scowls.

But this was not a two way fight, far from it. While the Lambent Locust were still fighting their civil war back in the hollow, the deadite Locust had come out to play.

Those who have never seen a Locust possessed by a malicious deadite spirit could not imagine their ferocity, their madness or their terror. The evil spirit which possessed the Locust altered them, giving them strength high above the norm and turning their beady yellow eyes a solid white. The faces of the deadite Locust were horrid leering death masks shaped into unearthly smiles overflowing with rotted and yellowed teeth.

The deadite Locusts were without discipline or order, they simply ran to and fro, shooting and killing everything that wasn't a deadite. They were considerable more resilient than standard Locust soldiers. They ate up bullets and laughed at knives. The only way to truly stop them was total bodily dismemberment.

Even then, when you killed the host, the foul spirit would simply possess another body and the cycle would start anew.

* * *

High in the skies above Sera, a group of gears and their friends rode a flock of reavers, flying Locust creatures which looked to be part cephalopod and part predatory fish.

The three reavers soared through the sky in a V formation. Cole piloted the foremost reaver, Seras acting as the gunner, Ash took third wheel. To the left of the formation Integra piloted her reaver with skill and panache despite her massively reduced intelligence. A few times her insane driving had nearly unseated Dom but the Latino Gear clung on. Aboard the third reaver were Marcus and Baird as well as a third passenger.

They had spotted their strange passenger flying low over the forests of Sera, engaged in a firefight with a wayward Locust platoon. The mysterious stranger seemed to be holding his against the Locusts with the aid of some kind of highly advanced energy weapon not too dissimilar to the ones which the Master Chief had brought with him aboard the Forward unto Dawn.

Upon rescuing the odd man, Baird had given him a stern and thorough interrogation. Despite Baird's best efforts, the man had revealed only that his name was Spock and that he was Vulcan, whatever that meant.

Cole had noticed Spock's energy weapon, his strange green tinted skin and pointed ears and had come to the conclusion that Mr. Spock was in fact, an alien. To this ludicrous claim, Baird had berated Cole and questioned his intelligence in the most critical of fashions. Mr. Spock had no comment.

Meanwhile in Jacinto Plateau, the intensity of the fighting had only escalated. The Locusts were growing desperate, as were the humans. Brumaks, giant beasts ten stories tall ripped down buildings with their bare hands. Berserkers, mindless, blind and nigh indestructible female members of the horde pulverized anything that didn't smell like Locust.

But the humans were not holding anything back either, this was their home, their last and only sanctuary from the attacks by the Subterranean Locust. Gears, soldiers of the Coalition of Ordered Governments, showed their adversaries no quarter. They rained mortar fire down on their grey skinned enemies and discovered that their chainsaw bayonets were ideal for dealing with the deadite Locusts.

The Locusts were throwing everything that they had into this attack. Their army was here to see that the humans did not escape when Jacinto sank.

On the outskirts of the City, the deadite Locusts threw themselves into the battle with psychotic abandon. They knew nothing discipline, fear or restraint. All that they did and all that they wanted was to kill or possess anything that crossed their paths. They ran onto firefights with guns blazing and laughter ringing out, like a pack of suicidal drug addicts on a high.

_High Orbit, Planet Sera, Starship Enterprise_

Kirk had no idea how his ship had wound up orbiting this strange planet. Spock had known, but Spock was on the planet's surface for reasons which were beyond Kirk's knowledge.

Needless to say, Captain James T. Kirk was not at his most relaxed. His was sick with worry over his friend Spock and was also sick with worry for the lives of all his crew.

Whatever it was that brought them to this foreign place, it had also damaged the Enterprise, putting the warp core offline and downing the fusion reactors. As it was they were running off of battery power, just enough to keep the ship in orbit, light the hallways and keep the life-support active.

However the task of restoring power to the ship was up to Mr. Scott, the Chief engineer. Captain Kirk had an altogether more difficult task before him, his ship was being boarded and he needed to organize a defense.

_Main Engineering room, Starship Enterprise_

If there was a contest for "_Most stressful day in Montgomery Scott's life_" then this day would probably take the cake.

Mr. Scott was trying to get the warp core functioning again. That in itself would have been a difficult task but not exactly stressful. What was stressful was the fact that there seemed to be a limitless line of grey skinned machine gun toting humanoids who seemed to want nothing except to kill everyone on the Enterprise.

For every one of the creatures that was stunned, killed or vaporized by phasers, another one seemed to run in to take its place. Mr. Scott jumped as a burst of bullets struck the bulkhead not far from his own head.

One of the security teams exchanged fire with a band of Locust that were trying to plant a bomb on the warp core. One of the security guards had his phaser set to vaporize, the beam of energy just brushed a Locust and the creature was reduced to a puff of smoke and a flash of light.

However the man's victory was short lived. At that very moment, a glowing arrow embedded itself in his shoulder. In shock the crewman dropped his weapon and tried in vane to pull it out. The arrow exploded, blasting the crewman to pieces and either killing or crippling those who happened to be standing next to him.

Mr. Scott saw the Locust who had fired the explosive arrow. He was a big guy, slightly taller than his comrades and clad in armor that was both more elaborate than his underlings and more protective.

As the Theron Guard started to reload some kind of mechanized crossbow, Mr. Scott's communicator buzzed to life. The noise seemed to attract the Theron Guard's attention even above the din of battle, who aimed his torque bow at the Chief Engineer.

Mr. Scott ducked, feeling the wind of the lethal projectile ruffle his hair slightly. Hopped up on fear, Mr. Scott barked into the communicator, "What is it?"

_Bridge, Starship Enterprise_

"Scotty, get us power back ASAP!" Captain Kirk screamed into the communicator. The Locusts had blown open the doors sealing off the bridge and they fought as hard to take it as Kirk and his people fought to keep it.

The Locusts had originally launched themselves into space with the intent of hijacking the powerful orbital lasers known collectively as the Hammer of Dawn. But upon leaving the atmosphere, some of the Locusts had redirected their boarding craft towards the strange alien vessel floating above the planet.

Mr. Scott called back frantically, "Cap'm, I'm not havin a good day here. Just let me work!"

Kirk yelled with equal fervor, "Just get me power back, Scott!" If they got power back, they could simply teleport all of the boarders into the brig, at this point they'd need all the help they could get. Kirk found himself sorely wishing that the security force fields were active.

It was just then that Kirk noticed thudding vibrations through the deck, as though somebody extremely heavy was walking his way. Kirk peeped around his chair and then he saw who was making the thunderous footfalls.

It was a boomer, a subspecies of Locust that were as stupid as they were strong. They were bred in the hollow specifically to carry heavy weapons and to take an incredible amount of punishment.

Kirk's eyes widened at the sight of eight hundred pounds of Locust, the thing didn't smell very good either, it made his eyes water.

The hulking brute raised its weapon, a giant grenade launcher that would have no problem erasing a starship captain from existence. The creature uttered the deep growling noise that was its trademark, "**Boom**."

As the creature's finger tightened on the trigger, Kirk directed his phaser at it and hoped that his captain's chair was as sturdy as he thought it was.

_Engineering room, Starship Enterprise_

The last thing that Mr. Scott heard coming from Captain Kirk's communicator was the sound of an explosion. Mr. Scott tried to call Captain Kirk, "Cap'm, Cap'm!" But no reply came from Kirk's end of the communications.

Mr. Scott couldn't believe it; he hardly dared to think of it. What meager evidence there was suggested that James Tiberius Kirk, a Starfleet legend, had been blown to smithereens by one of the boarders.

Montgomery Scott didn't have long to stay shocked though. There was a firefight going on all around him with combatants dying in droves on both sides. Scotty was about to unleash some righteous Scottish wrath on the Locust when something really shocked him.

Something huge and powerful crashed through a duranium door as though it were made of paper. The Locust berserker sniffed the air, trying to roughly pinpoint the location of its enemies. Its blind yellow eyes blinked uselessly.

Several crewmen tried to shoot it with their phasers set to kill. The beams of light struck the monster's armored skin and did nothing except give it some nasty burns. The berserker shrieked and charged at its attackers.

The berserker struck three Enterprise crewmen and they splattered like flies on a windshield. The creature's momentum took it forward and right through a solid metal wall. Mr. Scott might have laughed at this if he wasn't in a life or death situation. He knew the warp core better than anybody, over the years he'd put in various non-standard modifications to try and make the warp core more durable. But if that monster collided with the warp core, the core itself could crack like glass and release the volatile anti-matter stored there. The resulting explosion would turn the Enterprise into so many atoms.

So Scott realized, his top priority would be to have somebody kill the berserker. Easier said than done, the she-beast was coming for another pass.

_Jacinto Plateau, Planet Sera_

On the planet's surface, the Imperial Fists were having a good time. They knew not what planet they were on or where they were, that was not important. They also knew how they had gotten on this planet but that was also unimportant. What was important was that they pacify this savage and primitive planet in the name of the Emperor.

Twenty five Imperial fists stomping the battlefield of Jacinto Plateau was a once in a lifetime sight, if you survived. Each man was clad in a power armor roughly the size and weight of a heavy tank. Combine that with the very finest military training in the Empire and powerful psychic abilities on the part of their commander and you were left with a group of very mean Mother Hubbards.

Neither the Gears nor the Locust seemed to be able to do any damage to these loyal soldiers of the Empire, so the men believed themselves to be invincible. How little they knew.

Their commander cried out, "For the Empire!"

His men chorused, "For Terra!"

_It moved with great speed across the battlefield. It didn't actually make any noise but a psychic could have picked up a noise like a great loud droning. Physical objects were thrust smashed down and men were thrust aside as it continued in its search for a host. _

_It spotted the commander of the Imperial fists. The Commander foolishly attempted to block it with a psychic shield but nothing was going to stop the thing from beyond the dark from taking this host. The Commander screamed. _

The leader of the Imperial Fists screamed and then fell over. One of the men rushed over to see what the matter with his fallen officer was.

The commander rose up slowly and opened his helmet; the sight of his new face was enough to repulse even the hardened Space Marines. The commander's teeth were twisted and yellow; they seemed to just have sprouted randomly from his gums like a hard enamel cancer. His face had been distorted into a theater mask parody of death and his eyes were pure white.

The deadite Imperial Fist rasped to his former comrades, "_I'll swallow your souls._" So they did the only thing that they could think of, they opened fire.

_Earth, Hellsing Headquarters_

Alucard sat down in his throne room, brooding. He'd tried to forget about the choice he had to make by throwing himself into combat with the various creatures that were tearing around the mansion. But in the end, he couldn't remain indecisive forever. One way or another, Q would force him to choose.

Speak of the devil and he will appear. A light appeared on the opposite end of Alucard's room, that light was accompanies by a sound. A swirling vortex opened up just in front of Alucard's chair, threatening to suck him into its glowing white nothingness.

The wind tugged at his hair and pulled his hat right off but Alucard made no notice of the portal. From nowhere and everywhere, the voice of Q rang out, "It is time for you to make your final decision Alucard. Come with me and we will see how you shape the future."

The vortex's pull became too strong. Alucard tried to fight it but no force in the galaxy could have prevented him from being sucked up like a dust bunny in a vacuum cleaner.

As soon as Alucard was sucked up by the vortex, it blinked out of existence. All that was left behind of Alucard was his big hat and his chair. You would have never have even guessed that he'd left the mansion grounds.

* * *

Thanks for reading my work everybody. Join me next time for The Battle of Sera: Part 2. By the way, my next chapter will have Johnny Bravo in it, so I have a little contest. I need you to send me your corniest and worst pick up lines. The "best" pickup line will be used by Johnny Bravo as he tries to get a date with Seras Victoria.

Thrive my children,

Master of the Boot


	14. The Battle of Sera Part 2

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter 14: The Battle of Sera Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Gears of War, Hellsing, Star Trek, and Warcraft 40k. I make no money off of this, it is purely non profit.

_Planet Sera, Alternate Universe, Jacinto Plateau_

Guns were fired and bullets whizzed. Concrete and stone cracked and creaked as war ordinance missed flesh and struck the sides of buildings. The humans were not backing down, this was their last stand, and if they lost here then it would be the end. The Locusts were not backing down, they didn't know how.

The brutish forces of the Locust horde trampled the city, tearing it to shreds with guns, bombs, knives, claws and teeth. Anything that was human was shown no mercy, armed soldiers, mothers, children and babies were all given the same genocidal treatment.

Drones, the foot soldiers of the horde swarmed the streets in numbers uncountable. As the battle raged, the human fighters could hear their grating, gutteral voices.

"**Die ground walker**."

"**Serve the Queen**."

"**Die Sapien**."

"**Christmas**."

_The Skies of Sera_

High in the wild blue yonder, the gang of heroes sped towards the location of humanity's last stand on Sera.

Baird was frustrated, he was always frustrated but now he was more frustrated than usual. People often commented on his sarcasm and smartass attitude. Baird had always been a misanthrope but he had a very valid reason for his smartass behavior. He was under a great deal of stress, hell, these days who wasn't under stress with the human race so perilously close to extinction. His sarcasm was a way to cope with that stress. Without that, he might find other ways to cope with stress, like grabbing a gun and blasting anything in his path, human or locust.

But now he was frustrated because that weird UNSC super soldier, robot machine thingy wasn't here with them. He'd grown to enjoy the cyborg's company, largely because he was so good at killing Locust. But at a metric ton, there wasn't a reaver big enough on this planet that could carry the Master Chief's weight.

So they left the big green magnificent bastard behind and now Baird was forced to deal with some pointy eared devil named Spock. Spock's emotionless deadpan sounded across the TACCOM. "Reavers approaching from the Southwest, two hundred and thirty degrees from east."

Cole laughed and taunted as he began to open fire on the enemy reavers with the Gatling gun mounted on the back of his steed. Integra upon hearing the word reaver began to rant, "REAVER . . . REAPER . . . DON'T FEAR . . . BLUE OYSTER CULT . . . CONTEMPORARY ROCK AND ROLL . . . RAPE . . . GUITAR PICK . . . VAN HALEN."

Baird just had to ask, "How the hell do you always know where the reavers are coming from? Tell me that, Doctor Logic."

Spock responded on his communicator, which he had calibrated to be able to interact with the gear's TACCOM. "My tricorder was damaged in previous fighting, however I am able to hear approaching reavers."

Baird, ever the skeptic, did not believe Spock, "That's not humanly possible; tell me how you're really doing it."

Mr. Spock's answer was short and simple, "I am not human, Private Baird."

Baird muttered to himself, "Right, a fucking alien." Mr. Spock had no reply for Baird, he'd already told Baird everything that he asked, and any more would be illogical.

It was at that moment that something exploded from the ground. It was a reaver, but a reaver quite different from the ones that the Gears and their allies rode. The giant reaver possessed at least three times the bulk of an ordinary reaver. Also, the creature seemed to have elements of rhino beetle in its body and a full set of rotten shark's teeth in its hungry maw.

What really frightened the heroes though, was the rider. Skorge sat atop his king reaver, mad as hell at his ignominious defeat. Skorge wanted a pound of flesh, with blood, and he was going to extract it as painfully as possible.

Immediately the Kantus leader grasped the controls in his claws and started raining down bullets on his foes. The hail of gunfire glanced off of the armor on Cole's reaver, knocking Ash off.

Seras looked down in horror as Ash plunged towards the hard and unforgiving earth. She'd seen him shake off an incredible amount of damage during her brief time with him, but she did not truly know if the loud mouthed American could survive a fall from this height. If Ash was dead, she was going to make Skorge pay. She screamed as she returned fire.

Integra's flight pattern was far too erratic for Skorge to hit her. The only problem with this was that her insane zigzagging was much too wild for Dom to shoot at Skorge with any degree of accuracy. In fact Integra wasn't even paying attention to the path in front of her. She was looking back, firing at the king reaver with a stolen Boltok pistol.

Skorge gritted teeth that were as black as his heart. Twisting the controls on his reaver, he cut the heavy machine guns off and urged his mount forward with a burst of speed.

Like a harbinger of doom, the king reaver shot past the ordinary reavers as though it had been propelled forward by a giant elastic. Suddenly, the creature began to turn around in mid flight. Marcus was far too terrified to think about the full implications of what was about to happen, he only turned forward and started firing missiles at the Locust beast.

As fast as it had shot forward, Skorge's mount charged the Gears head on, tentacles outstretched and mouth agape. Faster than Marcus could see, the king reaver snatched Seras out of the gunner's seat and bit her in half. It seemed however that vampire meat wasn't to the king reaver's taste as it spat Seras out like a bad piece of food. The two halves of Seras fell to the ground silently and were quickly lost in the high speed pursuit.

Skorge turned his mount and aimed the rocket launchers on the fleeing humans. These humans had allied themselves with the Demon, an unforgivable sin. When he killed them, Skorge would perform a spell to ensure the passage of these humans into hell.

As he was about to pull the trigger, one of the reaver riders did something that surprised Skorge. The man in the blue uniform with the strange energy weapon jumped off of his reaver, right at Skorge!

Skorge tried to swerve his mount but it was too little too late. Spock had managed to grab onto the king reaver's harness. Hissing with fury, Skorge tried to kick the Vulcan off, but Spock had already scampered onto a different spot.

Skorge reached onto his back and freed his chainsaw poleax. With practiced ease, the Locust religious leader revved the technologically updated version of the Kantus traditional weapon.

Spock heard rather than saw the weapon swing in his direction. He rolled himself to the left and narrowly missed being bisected.

The strange humanoid was now on top of the harness. Skorge swung his chainsaw spear again, trying to decapitate the clinging foe.

Spock still wasn't close enough to Skorge to accomplish what he intended to. Without warning, the king reaver went into a steep dive. Spock clung onto his handhold with white knuckles but his face remained ever impassive.

Skorge screeched like a wounded animal. With a slight adjustment of the controls, the king reaver went into a steep climb. But despite all of this the unwanted passenger refused to fall to his death.

Baird screamed to Marcus, "Shoot him, shoot him, Marcus!"

Marcus screamed back, "I can't, I might hit Spock!"

Skorge shrieked as Spock was nearly upon him. For a moment, Spock and Skorge stood face to face. Skorge bared his teeth and let his blue forked tongue flick out. The Chainsaw poleax was positioned right above Spock's face.

Spock then did something that Skorge did not expect. Spock pinched a spot on Skorge's body right between his neck and his shoulders. For a moment, Skorge wanted to laugh. And then Skorge blacked out and fell of the king reaver completely unconscious.

Baird heard Spock's voice on the TACCOM, "I have commandeered this creature, please do not open fire."

Cole chose that moment to express his concern for Spock, "WHOOOOO! Spock yeah! I bet you's kicked that ugly bastard's ass!"

Baird was hysterical, "WHAT-what the hell was that!"

Spock explained it for Baird in simplest terms, "I leapt off of the reaver and attacked Skorge. Since your weapons were very nearly out of ammunition, attacking Skorge directly was the most logical course of action."

Baird yelled louder, "YOU'RE INSANE, YOU'RE JUST FUCKING INSANE!"

"I assure you that it was not an action motivated by emotion, Private Baird. Also, according to my latest Starfleet evaluation my mental health is as perfect as can be reasonably expected."

Baird was about to retort when Marcus cut into the dance, "Will you shut up, Baird! You're blasting my ears!"

_Damascinus Road, en rout to Jacinto_

Even this distance from the city, the bombs and the bullets practically blotted out the sun. A lone APC rolled down the potholed and ruined road, its sturdy frame and large wheels made it far easier to roll over the debris that seemed to characterize all the urban areas of Sera.

Inside the APC there was a squad of Gears and one vampire. Seras had to admit, it hurt like hell to be bitten in half. But the pain wasn't the worst part about it. It was that unlike her master, she lacked the ability to magically repair her clothing. The result of her being chewed on was that her shirt was shredded, showing off her stomach and just a little bit of Australian cleavage.

Throw in the miniskirt and Seras felt like the sluttiest woman on the face of the earth. Well, on the face of Sera anyway. Seras impatiently asked the driver, a Gear named Howard, "Are we there yet?"

Howard was getting pretty sick of Seras at the moment. When he first saw Seras, she was busy putting herself together. After that, he managed to notice how hot she was. But he was past the point of caring about her chest size, "We get there when we get there!"

"I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but that man Johnny Bravo is harassing me."

Howard turned around in his seat to look at the rather aggravating Gear named Johnny. The blond haired, sunglasses wearing, over muscular Gear was doing a series of dramatic poses that showed off his well developed muscles. Likely he was trying to get into Seras pants. "Knock it off Johnny; we've got a job to do." Sometimes Howard was willing to bet that Johnny had no idea that the human race was facing extinction.

Defiant of his bulk, Johnny zipped over to where Howard and Seras were standing and gave Howard a lightening fast salute. "Yessir." His accent reminded Seras of Elvis Presley.

Johnny must have immediately forgotten his orders because he spun around like a potter's wheel to face Seras, "You know, foxy mamma, I kept a goldfish alive in ma mouth for three months."

Seras was getting a little miffed now, "Get out of my face, you wanker."

Johnny Bravo continued with his efforts to seduce Seras, "I'm sorry little lady, but you are just to divine to let alone." Each word that Johnny spoke was accented with a bullwhip fast gesture. "Wanna see me kill some Locusts really fast?" Johnny began to bounce a pair of ammo clips up and down on his collar bone.

Seras used a trick that she had tried before on Pip Bernadette. She flicked Johnny in the face with about as much strength as was in Johnny's whole arm. Johnny's head flew back, glasses almost askew, nose bleeding. With another flick of her finger, Johnny went flying to the other end of the APC.

Howard and the rest of his squad looked on in somewhere between abject shock and admiration. None of them really liked Johnny, his regular narcissism and low intelligence made him somewhat unlikeable. Howard announced to everybody, "We'll arrive in twenty minutes, be ready Gears!"

Johnny Bravo, as badly beaten as he was tried one final pickup line, "You know . . . ouch . . . I designed Bruce Campbell's website."

The pickup line didn't work out quite like Johnny expected. Seras stomped on him like a bug.

_Unknown Location, last seen sighting of Pip Bernadette_

Pip was having a very bad day. Early on in the day, for some reason that nobody ever bothered to explain to him, a trap door had opened up in his room. When he had fallen down the proverbial rabbit's hole, he had landed here.

He wasn't sure where exactly "here" was. Based on what little he had seen, he was in some kind of nightmarish city as somebody from the nineteen seventies would have imagined an urban hell. Sky scrapers of unrealistic height reached into the permanently cloudy sky.

It had done nothing but rain here, to wet to light a cigarette, so Pip was cranky from the cravings. But tobacco was the least of his problems.

It seemed that in this strange place there was a well known terrorist here called Marseille. This man Marseille was completely identical to Pip in every way, even down to his eye patch and long braided hair. This little fact had gotten Pip into trouble with local law enforcement.

Pip sucked on a wet cigarette, trying to get some nicotine out of the soaking cancer stick. Pip used to think that England had heavy rain, but London was nothing compared to this place. The rain here was warm and slightly sticky, made it feel as though the heavens were spitting on you. Nobody here seemed to mind, though.

The sound of footsteps made Pip duck behind some garbage cans in one of the city's many alley ways.

The sound of footsteps grew closer and from behind his rather insecure hiding spot, Pip took a close look at the men who hounded him.

There were patrols of them everywhere, on foot, in wheeled cars, in flying cars and giant hovering craft that burned pure hydrogen as fuel. A dozen soldiers' walked by, compact and sleek machineguns cradled against their bodies. The men spoke French, just like the rest of the city, but it wasn't any dialect of French that Pip recognized.

The soldiers were all clad in a skintight fabric that combined the qualities of Kevlar and spandex. Jackboots certainly not made out of leather clomped noisily against the sidewalk. Every man amongst them wore a gas mask with mirrored lenses. Why the men wore gas masks, Pip had no idea. He suspected that it was to make them look intimidating.

Bringing up the rear were two creatures that Pip was fairly certain were not human. The French mercenary imagined that the seven foot tall behemoths clad entirely in obsidian armor were not human, but he couldn't be sure.

The twin giants walked at a leisurely pace, their massive stride eating up the pavement. Both beings wore faux leather trench coats over their formidable black armor. These coats they wore billowed out behind them as they walked.

The group was almost out of sight when one of the armored giants stopped. His partner and the human soldiers stopped but the brute silently waved for his compatriots to walk on.

The giant turned its armored head this way and that, passing over Pip's hiding place more than once. Pip's hear raced and his breathing grew shallower. He cradled his stolen machinegun and thumbed the safety off. Based on his earlier experience, the machinegun would have been reasonable effective on one of the soldiers but not on the ebony brute.

Then, with measures steps, the armored giant walked into a nearby building. For a moment, Pip allowed himself to take a few deep breaths.

That was when the armored brute walked outside again. It was walking towards Pip's hiding spot. It wasn't unarmed like before; it was carrying a fire ax in its shiny armored hands. It had probably ripped the ax from an emergency fire safety box.

Pip reached into his coat, it was time to see if the grenades he pulled of the dead soldier were any use.

_Nowhere_

Alucard tumbled head over heels through the vortex that had now turned into a black and white swirl. He had no idea how long he'd been there, if it had been a minute, a day or a decade. All that he knew was that he wanted to get out of this bizarre limbo.

Suddenly, Alucard stopped tumbling but he still had the sensation that he was moving forward.

At the infinite end of the vortex was the head of Q. Alucard growled at the sight of this, he was just getting so sick and tired of the bastard.

Q smiled and said to Alucard, "Your trial is not long from now. Before you are judged and before you make your choice, I want to take you on a little tour to see if you can't be swayed one way or another."

Suddenly, Alucard found himself floating in the middle of a red expanse. A moment later, gravity took over and Alucard started to fall.

He stopped when he landed in a lake of blood. Spitting out stale blood, Alucard started to swim to shore. Exhausted, Alucard lay down on the shore that was made out of red sand.

That was when Q's chipper voice rung in his ear, "Wake up campers, we've got a big day ahead of us."

"Oh, bullshit." Alucard swore.

* * *

Thanks to everybody to turning out to read and review this. When the story is done I will pay tribute to all my repeating reviewers and give them a very personal thanks. Tune in next time as we spend some quality time with Alucard and Q. The line about Bruce Campbell's website is taken from the book _Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way_. While you're here, check out my other stories and tell me what you think.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	15. Alucard's House

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Fifteen: Alucard's House

Disclaimer: This is purely a non profit endeavor, please don't sue or take my story down. Or I swear, I will find you and make you pay.

_The Red Place_

Alucard found himself floating in the middle of a red expanse. A moment later, gravity took over and Alucard started to fall.

He stopped when he landed in a lake of blood. Spitting out stale blood, Alucard started to swim to shore. Exhausted, Alucard lay down on the shore that was made out of red sand.

That was when Q's chipper voice rung in his ear, "Wake up campers, we've got a big day ahead of us."

"Oh, bullshit." Alucard swore.

A giant spotlight shone on Alucard, temporarily blinding him. Q's voice boomed as though he was talking into a megaphone, "Now, now Alucard, is that any way to talk to the one who would save you from a horrible fate?"

Grumbling to himself, Alucard stood up shakily. The spotlight still shone on him, blinding to him to the surrounding environment. He felt like he was being interrogated, "Turn off that damned light, Q!"

The spotlight instantly vanished, replaced by the ambient red lighting of this strange and sad place. In the red sky there sat an enormous bloated sun, giving off depressing red light. The red sand beach extended for a small distance more before giving way to red grass. The red grass eventually gave way to a rust red forest that resembled a mass of metal poles abandoned to the elements.

The only thing that wasn't red here was Q. The space god stood on top of a giant wooden staircase that he had manifested for the special moment only. The stairs were painted red, like everything else here.

Q himself was dressed in a pair of black pants, yellow vest and white dress shirt all topped off by a straw hat. He looked like an old time carnival booth operator. In one hand he held a bamboo cane which he waved about dramatically, "Step right up here, Alucard! No need to be shy! Nobody likes a stiff loser!"

Despite Q's jovial yelling, Alucard was not feeling very jovial. He would have ignored Q but there was nothing else to look at which wasn't red. Except for a stop sign with some white graffiti on it. "I want you to take me back, right now."

Showman Q began to descend the red wooden stairs, his shiny black shoes making a clacking noise as he did. "You know Alucard, nearly ever person that I meet with resists me to some degree or another. Oddly enough, no one seems to like me."

Alucard rolled his red eyes, "Odd indeed."

Q had reached the red sand and where his feet touched, the ground temporarily turned yellow. "But ultimately two people stand out in my mind, you and a man named Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc is the closest thing in existence that I have to a friend."

Alucard's eyebrows rose, "What did you do to this man to make him your friend? Brain washing? Torture?"

Q rapped his bamboo cane on Alucard's head, "I didn't say he was my friend, you misunderstood me. When he thought I died he was just the littlest bit sad."

Alucard nodded, "I suppose that when he found out you were still alive he cried on the inside."

"And they were not tears of joy, I can guarantee that. People are easier to not hate when they're dead."

Alucard pulled off his glasses at rubbed his eyes. He didn't physically have a headache but his head was hurting all the same. In five hundred and eighty years of existence, Alucard had never met somebody who was as noxious and as irritating as Q. Well, he might as well get this thing over with as painfully as possible. "If I agree to look at what you want to show me, then will we just get this whole nightmare over with?"

A bright light shone in Alucard's face as Q responded to his offer, "A perfectly reasonable and rational proposal from the Great Alucard, truly the universe is full of surprises."

Alucard gritted his teeth as the bright light charbroiled his retinas, "Q, if you persist on shining bright lights in my eyes, then I'll just have to rip off your smug face!"

"Now that's the Alucard I know and love but also hate." Q shut off the bright light and allowed Alucard to get a look at his new costume. The omnipotent being was wearing a light on his head, like the type that surgeons used to wear back in the nineteen fifties. His body was wrapped in a drag tan trench coat that looked like it had been stolen from Inspector Gadget's closet.

"What the hell is that you're wearing?" Alucard had been shocked by Q a number of times and it never got any easier.

"It's a realtor's outfit."

"A realtor?" Alucard had never seen a real estate agent dressed like a wannabe mad scientist. "Why on earth would you dress like a realtor?"

Q spun on his heels, wearing shoes that were at least seventy years out of style. "If you accept my offer to become my loyal servant, standard bearer and hatchet man then I'm going to give you your own house."

Alucard expected Q to give him many things, a headache, eternal torment and crippling blow to his ego. But to receive a house, Alucard had to work hard on keeping his happiness in check. He loved his work but was a slave to the House of Hellsing, he never got paid, never took a vacation and was forbidden from taking concubines, actually receiving a reward for his efforts was a fresh new experience.

Q pointed behind Alucard, "The house in question is right there. If you decline my offer then no house for you. Also, if you agree to tour the house then you will receive one of three prizes of you choice."

Alucard turned around and looked at what Q was pointing at. The house was painted yellow. Normally yellow was not Alucard's favorite color, but with all this red around yellow might be pretty nice.

Alucard then looked at the three prizes that Q mentioned. The three prizes were each placed in a fine glass case. Each prize had a little sign on the case identifying what it was. The three prizes in question were a large ball of fat, a three headed beaver and a toaster oven. Alucard looked over the prizes for a moment, "I think I'll take the three headed beaver."

Q grinned, "You'll get the beaver when the tour is done. For now, come with me."

_Planet Sera, Alternate Universe_

The battle for Jacinto had been raging for some hours now and things were not getting any prettier. The streets ran crimson and burgundy with the blood of humans and Locusts alike.

On the edge of the city dump, Marcus Fenix and company battled it out with the Locusts. This little skirmish was a tad different than the rest being fought across the city. Marcus's people and the Locusts had run out of ammo a while back and were now being forced to melee fight with whatever they could lay their hands on.

Mr. Spock was doing just fine for himself, holding back several Locusts with superior Vulcan strength and his refined Vulcan martial arts. Cole and Dom were back to back, holding off the Locusts like a couple of boxers in a barroom brawl. There was a Locust that was attacking Damon Baird. Baird was holding back the creature by clubbing it with a stereo.

As it lunged and punched at Baird, the Locust drone said, "**Mexican wrestling**."

"Fuck you!" Baird shrieked, "Leave me the fuck alone!"

The Locust's scaly fist shot out and punched Baird's stereo in half. Before the creature could really make the Gear feel pain, Marcus Fenix appeared to the rescue.

Marcus barreled into the grey skinned creature and knocked the both of them into the garbage pit below. Marcus had killed myriad Locusts over the years but this was the first time he'd faced one in hand to hand combat. When he hit the thing like a thrashball player, he'd hurt his shoulder. The Locust drone was sturdy as a brick wall.

Marcus and the grub rolled together in the only place that the people of Jacinto had been able to put their garbage. The smell made Marcus's nostrils and eyes burn, the smell of everything from spoiled food to used diapers. Marcus threw his weight forward, pushing the Locust's head into the filth; he was going make this guy eat the garbage.

The drone threw Marcus off and tried to spit the trash out of its mouth. Marcus delivered the Locust a powerful punch to the throat; to help him swallow the garbage.

If it were a man, the thing before him would have gone down with a crushed windpipe and maybe a broken neck, not so. The killing blow that Marcus had landed to the Locust barely phased it, only causing the brute to swallow the garbage in his mouth.

The grub threw itself at Marcus like a leaping, grey devil. Marcus barely saw the creature as it pulled him into an embrace and opened its stinking maw.

Marcus was starting to wonder if perhaps he'd bitten off more than he could chew. The thing had meant to tear into his throat but Marcus had blocked it off with his forearm. Even through the bulletproof armor of the armor, the Locusts sharp teeth were still digging into his arm and drawing blood. The Locust raked its pseudo claws on the back of Marcus's neck, peeling skin and tearing into the muscle.

Gritting his teeth to keep from screaming, Marcus drove his knee into the Locust's stomach, which was hard enough to be make of bone.

Several more stomach shots didn't phase the drone, only spurring it into further action.

The Locust suddenly let go of Marcus. A split second later, Marcus received the hardest punch he'd ever received in his life.

Marcus saw stars behind his eyes as he flew backwards. The garbage under his feet provided him with a soft landing. He lay on the filth, his head was swimming and his vision was a psychedelic blur.

His ears however were working just fine. He could hear the distant sounds of gunfire, the cries of pain and more importantly, he could hear the footsteps of the son of a bitch that hit him. The grub was getting closer, crying a savage growl as it did so. Marcus had to let him get close, had to let him think that the injury was worse than it really was.

Marcus's eyelids were as heavy as concrete, but he forced them to stay open. With vision still blurry, he could just make out the drone's face. He could see clearly its scowling visage, lantern jaw and small beady eyes.

The drone charged, crying out in the cruel and barbaric language of the Locust Horde. It was a language far different from any of the human dialects. It was a language of hatred, blood and darkness. The language of the horde was a language forged by beings who knew nothing of love, remorse or retreat. They were a species that knew only victory or death, and it was reflected in their language.

The drone prepared to smash the puny human who had caused so much trouble for the beloved horde. The one set off the lightmass bomb would pay.

But Marcus was ready. He shot up like a bandanna wearing cobra. His right fist struck true, hitting the Locust just beneath the sternum. Unlike before, the wind left the drone's lungs, an effective strike.

Like any true soldier, Marcus wasted no time in celebrating his small victory. With the speed of a much younger man, the Gear of war gave the grub the gift of a mighty uppercut. The drone's head shot backwards as Marcus's fist met a chin as sturdy as a cinderblock.

Marcus wasted no time; he threw a furious storm of punches right into the Locust's face. With every blow he struck, Marcus was sure that his hand was broken, but he kept on punching anyways. He wouldn't let up on this bastard until only one of them was breathing.

_A blow struck_. Locust teeth went flying through the air.

_Another blow struck_. Marcus heard a bone break and he was fairly certain it didn't belong to him.

_A third blow_. Marcus broke whatever passed for a nose on his adversary's face, dark Locust blood gushed.

Suddenly, a grey arm shot out and grabbed Marcus by the throat. The leader of Alpha squad gagged and tried to break his attacker's grip.

The Locust Drone's face was more fearsome now for the abuse it had received. The ground walker broke his littlest finger, but the drone grunted and barely acknowledged the pain. And then it started to laugh.

The grub began to laugh. Marcus's oxygen starved brain realized something; this thing had been playing with him. It was all a show, letting the aging human soldier how much punishment and pain it could take.

Marcus's face was turning blue and his eyes were starting to roll in his head. At any time it wanted, the drone could crush his windpipe like an eggshell. Suddenly the drone let go of Marcus's throat and just as rapidly it delivered a kick to Marcus's midsection.

Marcus's abdomen was protected by the heavy armor, standard issue for all Gears. Even through the armor, Marcus felt something inside of him explode. The pain of a ruptured organ was combined with the agony of winded lungs.

The leader of Delta squad lay on the ground, helpless as a baby. It was fitting for the ground walker to die this way, surrounded by his own blood and laying in a pit of refuse. The drone reached towards its belt and pulled out a knife that was unique to the Locust Horde. The knife was specially designed so that it would be of equal use in combat, survival or torture.

Marcus didn't notice the knife that looked like it'd been pulled out of a psychopath's worst dream. Marcus didn't think because the pain was too great and he couldn't breath. All that he was aware of was that in some way he had failed.

_The Red Place_

Q in his "_real estate_" outfit led Alucard towards the front door of the house. The front door was rather quaint, painted in a deeper shade of yellow with a little wreath of daisies around the knocker.

With a gesture from the only other person here, Alucard opened the door and stepped into the house that might be his. The first thing that he noticed was that while the yellow color scheme predominated, there were other colors in the room. The second thing that he noticed was the giant glass tube on the wall.

The giant glass tube contained a seventeen year old boy wearing a lovely blue dress and some makeup. Alucard asked, "What purpose does that serve?"

Q's voice was overly chipper as he explained this feature of the house, "That's Edward, say hi. I didn't think that you'd be happy with a regular stereo; so I'll have Edward sing any song you want."

Q then took two steps over to the pink coffee table and picked up a remote control that looked like Seras naked. Quickly, he hit the remote control's left breast and Edward started to sing.

_I haaaaaaaate Q_

_Kiiiilllll Q_

Q's head lamp shone in the house's soothing lights, "Well, he sings many songs other than that.

Alucard was at a total loss for words, "I see." Before he could react, Q's surgeon's light shone once more in Alucard's face. Growling in anger, Alucard drew back his fist to punch Q's lights out.

"Watch out for the trap door."

In mid punch, Alucard accidently stepped onto the open trap door which he had failed to notice before. Alucard screamed in surprise as he fell headfirst down the hard wood lined shaft.

CRUNCH!

Alucard had the good fortune to land on his head. Alucard grumbled as he got up and tried to brush the dust out of his long black hair.

Before anything else happened, a bright light shone in his face. At this point, Alucard would have liked nothing better than to gouge Q's eyes out with a Phillips screw driver.

Q terminated the light on his head and told Alucard, "You should see the furnace, very efficient." He opened the door behind him to reveal a dragon breathing fire into a series of metal tubes. Noticing that the door was open, the dragon craned its long neck. The head of the dragon extended past Q whereupon the scaly beast breathed fire on Alucard, scorching his eyebrows off.

Q paused to change the light bulb on his lamp, "What do you think?"

"Huh?" It was the best Alucard could manage. He felt like an actor who hasn't been handed a script or even told the name of the movie that he's in.

"Speechless I see, I knew that you'd like this house. While you're at it, check out the water closet."

As his eyebrows grew back, Alucard turned around to see a nondescript door. The moment that Q shut the dragon's door, the water closet opened. Thousands of liters of water instantly flooded the room.

Whether he was here or there, Alucard still hated water. He hung suspended in the water like a bath toy that had been forgotten.

Q drifted in front of Alucard, looking as if for the entire world he enjoyed the water. He held a sign in front of Alucard which said, "_Let's see the rest of the house_."

Before Alucard could nod or shake his head, Q's surgeon's light shone in his eyes once more. The clear water did little to dim the little light's effect. Like a sea snake, Alucard's hand shot out and crushed the little light bulb.

Q was horrified by this action. In a bright flash of light, Q vanished and Alucard was left alone in the water. Before he could make it to the surface, the water started to drain from the room via a giant drain in the floor.

The water level lowered, slowly at first but then faster. The overall effect was reminiscent of a flushing toilet. Helplessly, Alucard was sucked into the vortex and flushed away.

* * *

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, reviewers and readers, it's been darned good to have you. I've got a couple of chapters left to this story but not many more, so enjoy the ride while it lasts. I still might take a request but you'd better hurry. You guys have no idea how glad I am to have familiar reviewers like you guys :)

Ta

Master of the Boot


	16. The Court is in Session

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Sixteen: The Court is in session

Disclaimer: Star trek is owned by Gene Roddenberry and Hellsing is owned by Kohta Hirano. I own none of the publicly recognizable figures in this story. This is a non-profit endeavor.

_Planet Sera, alternate universe_

His name was Ash. He worked at S-Mart, house wares. To be truthful, he was a bit of an idiot and something of an asshole. Still, Ash had managed to prove himself a hero in the past. Now though, all he wanted was a beer.

For many years, the people of Jacinto Plateau had been trying to survive hunger as well as the Locust. Famine it seemed was not a problem that Chairman Prescott shared with the people. Every day he dined on fresh poultry and butter. His second in command, Colonel Victor Hoffman repeatedly voiced his displeasure at his master's indulgence. Hoffman himself only ever ate standard issue field rations.

So when Ash stumbled upon Chairman Prescott's private stash of beer, he just reached in to help himself. Surely in a whole fridge of beer, Prescott wouldn't miss one bottle of beer?

"But that's the chairman's beer!" Some kid Gear tried to lecture Ash about stealing from the leader of humanity.

"Did you ever watch that show _Rawhide_?" Ash asked the boy, hardly a day over nineteen.

The young soldier was confused; he had no idea what the strange one handed man with a big chin was talking about, "No."

Ash smiled, "Well if you did, then you know that you've got to keep them doggies rolling." With no warning whatsoever, Ash promptly kicked the soldier in the fork of the legs. He went down with a strangled cry of agony, but Ash took pity on the annoying lad.

THUD!

He stopped the soldier's pain by clobbering him over the head with Prescott's beer. Now unconscious, the soldier was unable to feel pain or complain to the Chairman about beer pilfering salesmen from Michigan.

The one handed hero was rather grateful, either bottles were stronger than they were in the movies or on Sera glass was stronger. Whichever it was, Ash couldn't open the beer bottle with a chainsaw. Or he could, but there were tools better suited for the job.

Making his way towards the command chamber, Ash detached his chainsaw and reattached his mechanical hand. The mechanical hand had been a gift from a blacksmith during a journey to the middle ages. As formidable as a chainsaw was, Ash couldn't just keep it running all the time or it would run out of gas. And a chainsaw with no gas is about as mean and deadly as a stereo.

But while the mechanical hand had been good for holding a sword or crushing bone, it was not very good as a bottle opener. How the hell did people on this godforsaken hellhole open their beer anyways?

In the center of the room were Prescott and Hoffman, crowded around a communications center. Hoffman was coordinating the battle effort while his boss tried to raise the morale of the troops. Ash didn't much like Prescott; he dressed too much like an early twentieth century Mexican dictator.

Still trying to open the beer, Ash didn't pay attention to Anya Stroud, communications officer. Frantically she called into the TACCOM, "Say again Spartan 117, say again!"

"Repeat: this is Spartan 117. I have hijacked a Brumak and am making my way towards the Locust sinkhole."

Hoffman popped up, the UNSC cyborg never ceased to amaze him, "Did he just say that he hijacked a Brumak?" It was amazing enough that Delta squad managed to hijack some reavers, but this was mind blowing.

Hoffman gave Anya a desperate look, "What is the status of Delta squad?"

Feverishly, Anya attempted to contact the fabulous Delta squad, "Delta squad, do you read? This is command, do you read, Delta squad?"

_Jacinto Garbage dump_

"The status is that Marcus is about to be fucking killed! I gotta go and help him!" There were people who supported heroes and then there were those who scorned them. Baird sat firmly in the latter camp. But he couldn't just sit aside as Marcus got his face kicked in by some Grub.

The Locust drone was about to kill the ground walker by cutting his throat, breaking his neck and shattering his skull. But some annoying gnat struck him across the back of the head.

Baird slid down the side of the dump, cringing, for he knew far more about disease and sickness than your usual Gear. His guns were out of ammo, but there were plenty of things lying around that had the potential to be lethal.

Acting fast, Private Damon Baird reached down and grabbed a sturdy looking plank of wood. Screaming as he swung, the board splintered in half against the drone's sturdy skull.

The Locust spun around, not in the least dizzied or injured.

Suddenly, going in to rescue Sergeant Fenix didn't seem like such a good idea after all.

The Locust didn't give Baird any time. It pounced on him like a frog onto a fly. In furious rage, the grey skinned creature swung its horrible knife, giving Baird multiple small cuts on his face.

Baird was knocked onto his back, the incredibly heavy enemy above him trying to make him into sliced meat. Baird held the creature back with a foot on its stomach, but the muscles in his leg were only going to hold out for so long. He screamed frantically, "GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME!"

It was then, that a hero saved Damon Baird's life. The entire world seemed to move into slow motion. First, Baird was aware of the sound of a chainsaw bayonet revving. Then he was aware of the look of shock on the Locust's face, not pain. Then, Baird became aware that he was being sprayed in Locust blood and guts. Finally, he became aware that the Locust was now cut in half.

Time seemed to return to normal speed and Baird shakily kicked the Locust corpse off of him. There before him, wielding a Lancer with no ammo was Marcus.

Marcus looked battered, abused and just about ready to die.

Tentatively, Baird asked his friend, "Are you alright?" It was one of those rare instances in which Baird did not use sarcasm.

Marcus lied, "I'm fine, let's help the others."

Baird wiped the offal from his face, "Where's you get the gun?"

Marcus started to weave a little bit, whatever had ruptured inside of him must have been important, "Took it off of one of the dead bodies, there's no shortage, even in the garbage dump." Though his voice grew weaker, his eyes were still full of strength, "Rummage through the garbage, grab any weapon you can, let's help the others."

_Jacinto Command Center_

"Delta squad, do you read? Delta squad, do you read me?" Colonel Hoffman barked into the radio, his voice full of concern.

Ash was still trying to open his beer.

Hoffman barked into the radio, trying to get anybody on the horn, "This is command; we need units to defend the communications towers! Repeat, any available units, to the communications towers now!"

Ash almost had it; the bottle cap was starting to come off.

Anya tried to tell Hoffman, "Colonel, there are no available units!"

With a great pull, the bottle cap came off of Ash's beer bottle. Unfortunately the action was so violent that he ended up spilling a large volume of beer all over Chairman Prescott.

The Chairman looked at his stained pseudo-military uniform with horror. Ash tried to apologize, "Oh crap, do you want me to get you a towel?"

But Chairman Prescott did not want a towel. He'd been up for seventy two hours, hadn't eaten in twenty four hours and he hadn't had sex since Emergence Day. Like a cranky two year old, the Chairman just threw a fit, "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!"

Ash took a step back, "Whoa, take it easy buddy. Calm down and step off the crazy train for a minute."

It was then though, the Colonel Hoffman put Ash in a bad mood. The elderly Colonel knocked the beer out of Ash's remaining hand, earning a glare from the house wares salesman.

"Pardon my French, Grandpa, but what the hell was that for?"

Hoffman began to load his belt with ammunition and grabbed a lancer off the wall, "Move it fat-boy, we've got a date with the Locusts at the communications towers!"

Ash was incensed, "Who are you calling fat-boy? At this rate I'm going to have to kick your octogenarian ass."

Hoffman tossed a shotgun to Ash, "Never mind that shit. If the Locusts knock out that communications array, this FUBAR situation is going to get a whole lot uglier."

Ash looked at the weapon appraisingly, "Pretty shotgun. Alright where to, Grandpa?"

_The Red Place, Yellow House_

Like any good real estate agent, Q showed Alucard the house. "Here is your entry way." The entry was this massive yellow space, decorated with flowers and throw pillows.

Alucard nodded, "I like throw pillows."

Q teleported himself and Alucard into another part of the house. "Here is your middle room." The middle room had no chairs, no tables, no electronics and no place to sit. What it did have though, were the severed heads of Richard Nixon, George W. Bush, Margaret Thatcher, Benjamin Franklin and Ghandi all impaled on wooden stakes.

Alucard noticed that burned into Nixon's forehead were the words, "_I am a crook._" He looked over to Q, "I think that I like this room best."

Q turned on his head flashlight, "I knew that you would."

Alucard held a hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the bright light, "The last time you did that, I merely broke the bulb. Next time I will break your neck!"

Q switched the bright bulb off, "Sorry, force of habit."

Alucard blinked his eyes, trying to get rid of the pain from Q's strange lamp. When his vision returned to the full of its abilities, he saw that the pair of them was in a different room of this ethereal house. Q stood next to a window, beckoning for Alucard to come forward.

Where he expected to see more red, Alucard saw green. From behind the yellow house was a mountain, covered in green grass and capped by white. Alucard put his hands on the window sill and leaned forward to better get a glimpse of the green and white mountain, which stood out in an endless landscape of red.

He asked of his tormentor, "What is this place, Q? I'm not referring to this house, but this entire realm. Where are we?"

Q explained, "This was a place that was very different when I first found it. A human like life form could not exist here."

Alucard nodded, "So you expanded it then?"

"Not expanded, Alucard. I merely altered this place. Why, to a life form evolved to live inside of a black hole, this place might have been quite pleasant." He smirked, "One man's hell is another man's paradise."

Alucard turned away from the window and began to look at the door, "And is this place supposed to be a paradise?"

"Not a paradise, merely a place that is livable. Remember Alucard, I do not only give this house to you. I would give you control of this entire Red Place."

"If I do inherit this place, can I change the color?"

Q began to lead Alucard out of the room, "If you inherit this place, there is no reason that you couldn't make this place pink or blue if you wanted."

Alucard's countenance soured a little bit, "Does this place have to be just one color?"

"No, not at all. It's just that you're not imaginative enough to make this place anything other than monochromatic."

Alucard ripped off his hat with anger, "Unimaginative? I'm the most imaginative person in the world! I took impalement, THE MOST PASSE TORTURE METHOD OF MY DAY AND TURNED IT INTO SOMETHING NEW! AND FORGETT MY NAME "THE IMPALER" BECAUSE I HAD A MILLION, MILLION TORTURE METHODS AT MY DISPOSAL!!!!!!!!"

Q tried to shush Alucard like an angry pet, "Slow down Alucard, here, have a medal." That said, Q handed Alucard a large, gaudy medal on a ribbon that said, "_#1 Psychopath_."

Alucard hissed and swatted the medal away, "I've had enough of this crap! I want to go home, now!"

Q pouted his face at the #1 Impaler, "But why, you haven't even seen the best features of this house."

With a flash of light, Q and Alucard were transported into the computer room. "This is your office, complete with bookshelf, papers, pens, rulers, scissors and the finest computer."

"Macintosh or PC?"

Q chuckled at Alucard's inquiry, "Neither, we have Dr. Manhattan."

Alucard looked at the wall behind him. Standing in a niche on the wall was a nude blue man with a hydrogen symbol on his head and a glass screen on his hands.

Q instructed Alucard, "Tell him, '_turn on._"

Reluctantly, Alucard tried this, "Turn on, you blue, bald headed freak of nature."

The blue man's eyes fluttered open and he began to recite, "Internet access online. All programs functioning. God I hate you so much, Q."

Q signed dramatically at Dr. Manhattan, "John, why do you hate me? I've done nothing but set you free. You're out of the cave now."

Dr. Manhattan's voice was even, if a little sad, "I was a puppet who could see his strings. You cut my strings, threw me into the street and then let rush-hour traffic run over me."

"You're just cranky because I let Galactus experiment on your genitalia."

Dr. Manhattan summed up his views, "I've never wanted to kill myself as badly as I do now."

Q shook his head, but immediately he brightened. During the exchange between Q and Dr. Manhattan, Alucard had been slowly creeping out of the room, but Q grabbed him by the shoulder. "Don't go yet, you still have to see the trophy room."

The Trophy room was much like many other trophy rooms that Alucard had seen, but it was also very different.

The walls were lined with animal heads, creatures both native to Earth and alien to it. Curiously enough, there were also the feet of various animals on the wall. There was even one head, human, which was still moving and talking.

The head on the wall cried out, "Q! Stop this madness, I will not concede to your demands unless you set my crew free."

Q merely rolled his eyes, "Oh please Jean-Luc, your selflessness underwhelms me."

Understanding filled Alucard's mind. So this was Jean-Luc, he seemed like a civilized fellow. This was the one that Q called almost-friend.

And he, Alucard, was Q's almost-enemy. How interesting.

Q gestured to either person in the room, "Jean-Luc, Alucard, I consider the pair of you to be opposites on the spectrum of human failure. Good and evil, you are nothing but blind children stumbling to and fro. One tries to find the secret behind the demise of time itself. The other, awaits the trial which shall decide his own personal demise. Either way, things will work out disastrously for some party."

Q's voice became a taunting thing, sour and sarcastic, "I'm going to miss both of you, but then again all good things must come to an end."

Suddenly, Alucard of Hellsing was plucked out of the Red Place in a white flash of light. Taken off guard, he surveyed his new surroundings. His red duster, floppy hat and even his gloves were stripped of him. She stood only dressed in a tattered pair of trousers and shackles. He was locked in a dungeon. He recognized this dungeon; it was the dungeon of his own castle. But more than that, this place had imprisoned him during his first trial! Suddenly the door was thrown open and two strange figures stepped in. They were two guards, turbaned and dressed in Turkish armor, but their faces were hidden by bizarre masks and their eyes were a muddy yellow.

Alucard knew what was going to happen, but still he fought it. He tried to strike one of the inhuman guards, an ineffective blow.

One of the guards swung a gauntleted fist at Alucard, striking him in the temple.

The former Impaler fell under the blow's power. For a fraction of a second, Alucard lay on the floor, paralyzed, impotent and in pain.

Before long, the two guards proceeded to drag their captive down the great halls of Castle Dracula, just like a potato sack.

* * *

We're almost done this story! I'm both excited and saddened by this prospect. Two or three more chapters and then this story ends. Enjoy it while you can and special thanks to all the people who reviewed and favorite this story.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	17. Trial

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Seventeen: Trial

Disclaimer: I own none of the publicly recognizable figures in this story. This story is a non-profit endeavor and I make no money off of it.

_Transylvania, 1894, Castle Dracula_

_How the mighty had fallen. It would seem that when something stands, it must fall the next day or at least the day after. Indeed, Dracula's bloody swath, cut into the flanks of history seemed to have only lasted a day. _

_Dracula lay in his coffin, a magnificent ebony thing lined in the soil of his homeland. As the impaler, his crimes had been great enough that he'd never be forgotten. As the dreaded Count, Dracula's crimes had been of such a heinous nature that humans had done their best to stricken his name from all records. _

_But as much as they tried to kill him and sweep his ashes under the rug, he kept on coming back with a tenacity like nothing else on this earth. _

_This was why it was all the more painful when Abraham Van Helsing drove a stake into his heart. The ancient vampire attempted to scream, but only blood came out of his mouth. The stake only grazed his black heart; otherwise he'd be as dust by now. _

_Dracula thrashed like a cockroach impaled on a nail, but his once mighty strength had deserted him. The No-life king thrashed and tried in vain to pull the stake out. Red discharge oozed out of the wound created by the stake, staining the Count's expensive London bought suit. _

_A terrible hiss issue from the Count's mouth, combining the most blood chilling aspects of a wounded crocodile and a poorly maintained war machine about to explode. _

_Around the Count's coffin, the signs of recent battle littered the ground. Among the dead numbered the Texan: Quincy Morris. Quincy had fought valiantly against Dracula's minions. His unwavering courage made it all the more delicious when one of the Transylvanian Saxons shot Quincy through the heart, exploding his heart and tearing through his spine. _

_As the Texan fell, Dracula savored the Texan's disappointment and sadness in his dark dreaming state. It was not until the stake went through his heart that Dracula realized that the dream was in fact just the opposite. _

_Also among the dead lay Lord Godalming and Dr. Seward. Van Helsing had set the ambush well, driving the gypsies to retreat and killing many of the Germanic mercenaries. _

_If he weren't in so much searing agony, Dracula might have smiled. Those Germans had given hell to their enemies. Such fighting spirit was to be commended. Budapest made sabers had felled Seward and the former Arthur Holmwood. Their blood looked magnificent against the white snow and black stone. _

_Unfortunately for the fallen Count, there was one man who was not to be counted amongst the dead. Abraham Van Helsing walked tall, alive. _

_There was something about the way that Abraham walked. He was tired. He was tired physically, but more so, he was tired morally. Abraham was tired at all the death which surrounded him. But most of all, he was exhausted after having convinced himself that he was doing the right thing. _

_Heart heavy, Abraham quoted the bible in an attempt to calm himself down after the brief but exhausting battle. "__All flesh is grass. And all the comeliness thereof as the flower of the field. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth but the word of our God abideth forever."_

_Lying in his coffin, Dracula's thrashing had ceased. Instead, he squirmed like a baby and reached forward for the object of his hatred. But Dracula was no baby; it had been more four hundred years since he'd been brought into this world. The Count's eyes were blind with hatred and pain. _

_Still climbing down from the highs of an adrenaline rush, Abraham lunged forward and hammered at the stake with his fist. _

_Dracula leapt out of his coffin like a fish being thrown out of a dynamited pond. Half in and half out of his coffin, the No-Life king looked truly beaten. _

_Dracula's bloodshot eyes bored into Abraham's soul, "Have I been bested?" It was as much of a challenge as it was a question. Even now, he was pushing Abraham's buttons, daring him to finish the job. _

_From behind Abraham's shoulder came the last voice on earth that Dracula wanted to hear. "You have been bested, I answer true." _

_Dracula's anger mounted, bloody tears threatened to spill from his crimson eyes. His downfall had come, just as Q had promised. _

_The trickster god of the nether places stepped into Dracula's field of view. Clenched in his damn smiling teeth was a calabash pipe. Atop his head, perched at a comfortable angle was a deerstalker cap. Replete with his brown hunter's jacket, Q looked the part of a sophisticated urban inhabitant on a hunting trip. Dark eyes twinkling, Q struck a match on the side of Alucard's coffin and lit his pipe. _

_Dracula was beyond rage, how could this happen? _

_Abraham nodded, "__Yes, you are bested. This is not a nightmare for you to wake from. Your castle is plundered, your dominions in ruin and your servants dead to the last." _

_Q exhaled tobacco smoke into Dracula's face through his nose. The acridic smoke shouldn't have burned Dracula's eyes, but it did. Sucking from his pipe, the burning tobacco cast a red glow over Q's face, but his eyes remained dark and sucked up all the light that hit them. "You've fallen Count, your glory is gone and it shall never return. Your castle is set to burn; your gypsies have deserted you. And your gypsies should desert you, for you have much abused them." _

_Abraham spared Q a glance, "So you and this creature have a history together, Mr. Stoker?"_

_Q grinned and exhaled more smoke into Dracula's face, "Professor, this beast and I know of each other. Why, we met at a tea party and became fast enemies ever since." _

_Abraham shook his head, he could not understand this Bram Stoker fellow. He arrived into the live of him and his friends shortly after Mina's attack by Dracula. He spoke in riddles, half suggested clues and strange humor. The man, if he was a man, was a figure as shadowy as dread Count. Nobody knew where he came from or why, only that in his own indirect way, he helped to bring down the most powerful vampire on earth. _

_Abraham turned back to the quivering vampire, "The girl has fled these lands, she will never be yours"._

_Dracula tried to say something. In his own mind, he hurled a particularly vulgar curse against Mina and Jonathan, but he was too weak to say it aloud. _

_Dracula didn't know what happened next, he only knew that the pain grew exponentially. From his prison of pain, Dracula heard Abraham say, "Miserable no-life king, everything you had is now gone!"_

_Now, Q's Courtroom, facsimile of Castle Dracula_

Seras Victoria was sitting in a perfect replication of the main hall of Castle Dracula. She didn't now this because she'd never been to Castle Dracula and didn't know what it looked like.

All the she knew was that she was sitting in a seat situated in a massive set of wooden benches like the bleachers at a football game. All around her, all manner of folks stood a hollering and screaming. She saw Presidents, Kings, Chiefs, Emperors, Queens, Patriarchs and Popes. If a person had power, they were there, screaming for the trial to start.

Seras scanned the crowd, looking for familiar faces but finding none. She was anxious; she had to find somebody from the Hellsing Organization. She had to-

"Wanna see my chest hair? It's blond and curly."

Seras Victoria turned around to face the most annoying boor of a Gear alive, "Don't you ever take a hint?"

In response, Johnny Bravo began to strike up a series of poses meant to showcase his well developed muscles. "I'm sorry little blond lady, I can take a hint, but I just can't." He thought that he sounded sexy.

If Seras actually had a pulse, a vein would be throbbing in on her forehead right now. "Johnny, I'm going to say this to you as nicely as I can; fuck off."

Johnny spun around and whispered to the man next to him, "Did ya year that? She digs me."

Suddenly, two massive wooden doors opened. Through the doors proceeded two of the strange yellow eyed guards that were now barely keeping the crowd under control.

The guards were carrying a ragged and beaten man towards a place illuminated by a spotlight. It was her master! She tried to scream to him, "Master! Master!" Alas, her voice went unheard in the tremendous roaring of the teaming mass of humanity that was sharing stands with Seras.

Alucard was dragged into the main hall of Castle Dracula, déjà vu. At least this time nobody was throwing rotten fruit and vegetables at him. Abruptly, somebody hit Alucard in the head with a stone.

He stumbled and fell as if he were only human now. He didn't feel human, but he had all their weaknesses. Indeed, things were just as crappy as last time.

Alucard's face met with stone floor at some speed, just like last time. Head still ringing from the rock, Alucard picked himself up shakily.

From opposite the doors that he entered by, another pair of massive wooden doors opened. The doors themselves seemed to open up into nothing. It was a void so perfect that it might have been the very heart of a black hole.

But from the depths of the void, Alucard could just barely make out something. It was a shape at first and quite unclear. Soon, the shape cleared and began to gain color.

Q entered the chamber once more on his levitating throne. As per his previous trial with Alucard, he was clad in the grand red and maroon robes of a judge. His expression was grim; no mirth contaminated his pale face or dark eyes. Indeed, Q seemed entirely oblivious to the roar of the cheering that coincided with his entry.

The yellow eyed guards struggled to keep order in the crowd. A few of the guards had to smash the hysterical spectators with their weapons. One of them even fired a metal crossbow into a particularly rowdy person.

At the center of everything, like a spider, Q gazed around in a disdainful fashion. Every single one of these creatures, real or created were beneath him. He was so far above them that there was no analogy to describe it.

Before him, Alucard seemed to be the most wretched creature in existence. Gazing around the room one final time, Q raised both of his hands.

Silence fell like a curtain. In the next few seconds you could have heard galaxies dying.

Q's voice seemed to fill every single ear in the hall and Seras Victoria was powerless except to listen.

"Esteemed and unworthy inhabitants of miserable planet Earth, I wish you welcome to this most important event any of you will witness in your lives."

More cheering and laughter rang out but was cut off by a nod from Q. "Almost six hundred years ago by human years, the dreaded Vlad the Impaler was captured and sentenced for his crimes."

Q paused and for a moment, Seras swore that he was looking at her, "Fitting in with his crimes, the Impaler was sentenced to unending life. Now he drinks the blood of his own species to maintain his weary existence."

Alucard could take no more of Q and his ego; it's no fun to be around a person with a bigger ego than you, after all. "No more of these games Q! Kill me or allow me to kill you, but don't waste time that I'll never get back."

Thick metal cables snaked from between the flagstones and wrapped themselves around Alucard's body. Through these cables, powerful electric shocks transferred into Alucard's nerve and muscle. The vampire stripped of his power screamed in agony as his very skeleton was illuminated.

As quickly as the cables had appeared, they released Alucard and snaked back into the floor.

Q leered unpleasantly at the accused, "I did not give you permission to speak, your turn will come."

* * *

Integra yelled out as Alucard was electrocuted. She knew that he was a monster and that he was her servant. But it went against her grain to see one of her own tormented like that. Her intelligence was restored back to normal levels; she could now talk without yelling or making a complete fool of herself.

The last few hours were a blur to her, the fighting with the Locusts, adventuring alongside Delta Squad and their peculiar allies and now here.

Integra had tried to get out of her seat but found that some strange magnetism was keeping her from straying more than a few feet. Next to her, the one handed man named Ash was eating from a bucket of popcorn.

Ash looked at Alucard and then at Integra, "Who the fuck is that?"

"That's my servant," she yelled!

"Your servant, you mean like a butler . . . or a sex slave?"

"Shut up you idiot!" Ignoring the foolish American, Integra craned her attention back to Q. The godlike being waved his hand and the thick cables retracted themselves from Alucard's form.

She then heard Q chastise Alucard about it not being his turn. Shouting to be heard, Integra addressed Q, "Release my servant, you cur!"

The entire crowd seemed to gasp at Integra's audacity. Q's dark eyes focused on Integra and froze her on the spot like a deer in headlights.

The yellow eyed guards were making their way towards the prone Hellsing leader.

Q's voice managed to carry without any visible sort of amplification, "I will only say this once. Unless I call on you, you'd best keep quiet." He didn't manifest anything dangerous but his threat was clear. The guards stopped their advance and moved on the person next to her.

The yellow fanged guard grabbed the popcorn from Ash's hand and flung it away.

The employee of S-mart protested but found himself unable to retaliate, "Hey!"

"No snacks", the guard's voice was low and sounded like ground glass.

Q paid no further heed to Integra nor anyone in the crowd, "The guilt of Alucard still stands, but this court has decide to make an amendment to the sentence. It is within my considerable powers to grand a mercy to the guilty party."

Alucard twitched on the ground, groaning and smoldering. If he heard a single word that Q said, he made no sign of it.

Q looked at Alucard like a man looking at a mould on a slice of bread, "Alucard is entitled to a choice. He may accept my offer and die serving myself. Or he may continue to hurtle down the path which he has chosen for himself. From the looks of things, I don't think he can hear us. Let's give him five minutes to heal and then let's start over."

The crowd laughed, except for Integra, Seras and Ash. Integra and Seras couldn't bear to see Alucard tortured. Ash didn't give a shit about Alucard; he was too pissed off about his popcorn.

* * *

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been wonderful. I'd like to send a kiss and a hug to all my loyal reviewers, especially the ones that are the opposite gender of me. Requests are still open, but it's highly unlikely I'll be able to honor them. And don't forget the three R's, read, review and favorite. Wait; did I say three R's? See ya later, you crazy kids.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	18. Judgment

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Eighteen: Judgment

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the publicly recognizable figures in this story. This story is purely a non-profit endeavor.

_Millennium Base of Operations, Unknown distance outside of Rio_

Beetlejuice had no regrets. He had no regrets now and he sure as hell wasn't about to have them half an hour from now.

Beetlejuice was at once simple and complex. His behavior was at once predictable yet unpredictable. A few things were certain about him. Other people's problems meant less than _el zippo_ to him. The only reason that he got involved with the troubles of others was so that either he might profit from them or somehow make things worse.

Currently, he'd chopped off the balls of one pre-teen cat boy and he'd put a werewolf under. And you know what? He was feeling really good about himself.

Solving Hans's problem was easy enough. "I think that Scruffy Mcgruff has had enough stress for one day." With a wave of his hand, the Captain fell asleep and he'd be back to normal when he woke.

Beetlejuice was totally oblivious to Dok's concerns as he considered his next move.

Dok screamed at Beetlejuice, "You crazy _gheist_! You haff burned my laboratory!"

Beetlejuice spun around on his heels and thrust his pallid, unwashed face toward Dok. "Is there a problem? No, no, really, is there a problem? Sure I threw the chemicals all over the floor and turned on all the Bunsen burners but don't go around accusing people that haven't done anything!"

Dok pulled back, both to get away from the ghost's bad breath and his yelling.

Beetlejuice turned his back on Dok and started pacing around the room. For all that Dok could tell, Beetlejuice was acting like the world was out to get him. "You try to do things one way, doesn't work. You try to do things another way, a lynch mob goes after you. Do you WANT the Major to be like a chicken forever!!?"

"_Nein!_"

Beetlejuice smiled teeth like half burned cigarettes. "Good."

"Just be gentle vith him", Dok pleaded.

Beetlejuice continued to smile. "Sure", he whispered. "I'm just going to go up there and snap your butt buddy back to shape. And like I said, I'll also make him lose some weight, MANUALLY!!!!!!"

Dok began to start sweating, "Manually?"

Beetlejuice conjured a screaming chainsaw out of nowhere, "MANUALLY, WITH THIS! YEAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dok couldn't even protest before Beetlejuice sprouted wings like a fly and buzzed down the hallway with chainsaw on full throttle.

_Imitation of Castle Dracula, main hall_

Alucard lay on the ground like a damn worm. For a man who'd been zapped with goodness knows how many thousand volts, he was faring remarkably well. Q might have stripped him of his powers but he was still as hard to kill as ever.

Vaguely, he cursed Q in his mind for ruining the look of his hair. Because of the electric charge, it was all standing up now. Women did not like men with static electricity hair.

Q's oily drawl entered Alucard' ears, "Well, Impaler, have you anything to say on your own behalf?"

But Alucard's neurons were so fried that all he could say was, "My butt hurts."

At his childish words, nearly every person in the audience started to laugh. Alucard was so embarrassed that he wanted to throw up.

In the audience, Seras blushed in shame for her Master.

Sitting right next to Integra was Ash, who was laughing merrily at Alucard's silly statement. Having no patience for Q's game or for fools, Integra slapped Ash across the face.

SMACK!

"Ow! What the hell, lady?"

Suddenly there was a flash of light on the floor in right next to Alucard and a Q look alike materialized into being. The look alike held a briefcase aloft and in a heroic tone of voice, "Objection, your honor! I demand that statement be stricken from the records."

To his doppelganger, Q acquiesced, "Very well, the court acknowledges your objection." Q upon the levitating throne then went right down to business, "I offer the Nosferatu Alucard a chance at an honorable death. Are there any here who would object to this?"

"I do!" A voice in the audience cried out.

Q nodded, "This court recognized the voice of Mehmed Two, conqueror of Constantinople. You may speak."

"Thank you," Mehmed bowed graciously, "You speak of giving an honorable death to this creature. Such a death would be more than he deserves. As a man, he was a tyrant far crueler than any who came before him or after him. He conceived of torments which even the great inquisitors of Christianity could not have conceived. I say that this creature should be left to rot in his present course."

Q showed no sign that the Sultan's speech had any effect on him, "Thank you, Mehmed, you may be seated."

"Are there any others who would wish to protest?"

Several seconds of silence passed. But a voice, noble and well educated, rang out. "Cease these games, Q and put this creature out of his misery."

Alucard looked to the source of the voice. It was the bald man from the strange red house.

The Q look alike promptly protested against Jean-Luc's presence, "Your honor, I request that this man be removed immediately!"

True Q dismissed his duplicate, "Denied, very well Jean-Luc, I assume you have something to contribute beyond your usual drivel and dogma?"

Jean-Luc stormed towards the levitating throne, ignoring Alucard as he did. "Stop this now Q, I've seen what this creature has done, what he is capable of and what he might very well do if you allow him a choice in the matter."

Alucard's temper started to boil, "Do you have a problem with me having a choice, bald man?"

Jean-Luc looked Alucard square in the eye, an amazing feat of fortitude. "Normally, I would not deny anyone the power of choice, but you have proven yourself to be dangerously irrational and volatile. You are the very worst that a human being could possibly be!"

Alucard stood up and glared down at the bald headed man in his silly red and maroon outfit. "You're calling me crazy? I'll show you crazy, Jean-Luc, or whatever your name is. I'll show you a-kick-to-the-groin crazy."

Picard had known some diabolical people in his time, but he'd never met anybody he disliked as much as this creature which Q insisted would become the greatest plague in the galaxy. This man was just so hostile and arrogant. It was hard to pinpoint how he knew it, but all those negative traits were there.

Before Alucard could make good on his promise, the Q look alike stepped in between the two. "Objection, your honor, to these outrageous goings on!"

Q smirked, "No, let them go at a bit more."

Impostor Q stepped down and Jean-Luc looked up at the real Q, who looked down on everyone from his vantage point. "Q, you showed me the outcome of this creature's choices. Either way, his being will cause millions of deaths if not more. Why do you insist on perpetuating senseless slaughter?"

Q merely rolled his eyes, "Oh Jean-Luc, you act as if those millions of lives had significance. The universe is neither harmonious nor lawful, but if you could see what I see, you would know that there is a species of altruism behind all my words and deeds."

The god like being continued, "So, where you see a great plague, I see something more. I see calamity and out of calamity I see possibility."

The Hellsing trump card chose that moment to pipe up, "You both have five seconds to get out of my way before I get very unpleasant."

Jean-Luc motioned for Alucard to wait, "Perhaps I should simply let you off the handle, and then Q might see the folly of his actions."

Alucard hissed, "I'm no one's pawn. When I'm done with Q, I shall put a few dents in that shiny dome of yours."

Once more, the metal cables snaked out of the ground and delivered Alucard a powerful electric shock. Alucard's body twitched with a frantic palsy as his skeleton was illuminated.

"Anyways, Jean-Luc, your presence is no longer required here. I'll meet with you when I'm done with him." And then Picard was spirited away in a flash of light.

The crowd was almost completely out of control by now. All of them seemed to be crying out for Alucard's blood. The yellow eyed guards had their work cut out for them and were forced to behead a few spectators to keep the peace.

Amidst all the tumult, Q's lawyerly look alike shot up like a figure in a pop-up book. "Objection, your honor, objection to these outrageous goings on!"

He then zipped across the room to where the heads of the round table were sitting, "And I also object to the Round Table conference having anything to do with my big court scene."

He snapped his fingers and a briefcase appeared in the hands of England's secret rulers. "Here, take these to a higher court", he snapped his fingers and Sir Islands and the rest of the round table conference were launched to the moon on rocket engines, "Ciao."

Impostor Q turned to the real thing and gingerly held a smoldering Alucard in his arms, "Your honor, we'd like to enter a plea of insanity, because my client won't say yes!"

SNAP!

Everything vanished, the crowds, the guards, the castle and even Q upon his throne. The Q look alike had now become the real thing. His voice and his face held a seriousness which he rarely displayed.

"Alright, no more distractions, no more torture and no more diddling about. I want your answer, right this very instant. It's still not too late to alter the tides of the future."

Alucard's lips were fused shut from the heat of his electrocution and his eyes had melted in their sockets. His ears were useless; he heard Q's words in his mind. Slowly, Alucard raised his right hand to his mouth. The appendage was blackened, skeletal, tipped in sharp claws. Excruciatingly, Alucard sliced his fused lips apart, inch by agonizing inch.

Alucard wheezed, his vocal cords sounded like they'd only be able to form one word before they failed.

Q put his ear close, to hear Alucard's whispered choice.

"No."

Q's face changed, whether it was resigned or disappointed, it was impossible to tell. "Then so be it."

With a snap of a finger, time resumed itself.

SNAP!

_Planet Sera, Underground cavern_

The Master Chief rode his brumak. The beast was wounded and tired, but the creature was bred to ignore feelings of physical discomfort short of a fatal wound.

The support pillars of the cavern had been shot to pieces by the massive guns mounted on the earth shaking war mount.

Inside his impenetrable armor, the Master Chief contacted his allies via the TACCOM, "This is Spartan 117, I am directly under Jacinto and am about to bring down the roof of the cavern."

Before the super soldier and his terrifying mount lay a river of immulsion, the low viscosity radioactive liquid which powered virtually everything on this planet. Open the roof and then orbital lasers would ignite the glowing, sulfurous fluid, sinking Jacinto and flooding the Locust stronghold with seawater.

With a salvo of missiles, the last support beam was blown and the glow of immulsion was drowned out by the grandeur of the sun.

_Planet Sera, High orbit, Starship Enterprise_

Kirk was alive, thanks to McCoy. He was going to need a blood transfusion and several organ transplants. The only reason he was alive and walking now was because of Dr. McCoy's amazing drug cocktail of stimulants and things with names that James T. Kirk couldn't even begin to pronounce.

In the process, his beloved Captain's chair had been destroyed by the boomer. The decks of the ship were littered with bodies, crew and Locust alike. The blood of the two sides mingled and created a smell that would never leave.

The Locusts might have prevailed, if not for the aid of the UNSC AI, Cortana. From the main view screen, the AI's voluptuous avatar materialized. "Captain, you've got enough power now to fire a single phaser shot. I know about the Prime Directive, but you _have_ to fire at these exact coordinates."

Kirk glanced at his chief engineer, "Mr. Scott."

"Aye, Cap'm."

"Fire!"

_Hellsing Manor, Earth, England_

Walter Dornez felt like the last man on earth. The rest of the Hellsing soldiers had gone while the going was good. Bastards, these new enemies weren't so tough.

Walter had been brought up since birth to fight vampires. These creatures were not vampires, in many ways they were worse.

In front of Walter was a pair of jack-o-lantern headed men with chainsaws. Supporting the spawn of Curcurito were a half dozen creatures with swords for hands and feet. The heads of these sword creatures were separate from their bodies, held in place by rusty torture devices. Walter had seen these creatures cling to the walls like spiders and kill with the precision of master swordsmen.

Walter's monocle was missing and his usually near ponytail was lose and wild. He looked like he could eat a baby. One flick of his hand and the pumpkin headed men were sliced to pieces, their chainsaws would saw no more.

But the sword creatures pressed on, carrying themselves forward with a graceful, loping gait.

A glint in the air.

Microfilament wires did what they were designed for. Three of the sword creatures fell to the ground in a bloody mess worthy of Hollywood's goriest pictures. But the sword monsters were agile, the rest of them managed to jump out of the way.

Two of them lost their heads, but in no way were they slowed down. In fact, one of the headless ones bunched its hind legs and threw itself at Walter like a torpedo, slicing into the elder man's side.

Walter cried out, crimson stained his immaculate white butler's shirt. Through his pain, the Hellsing retainer remembered his enemies. The remaining sword monsters were cut thin enough that they'd never rise again.

The old man gritted his teeth. His joints were sore, his muscles even more so. How he longed for his youth, when he might shrug off a bullet wound like a mosquito bite. Now, a little slice and here he was, helpless as an infant!

Walter had no more time to hate his advanced years because the ground started to shake.

Several creatures erupted from the floor, tied to wooden poles like condemned prisoners.

Effortlessly, the hulking monsters broke free of their constraints and turned their attention to the wounded butler.

They were huge, easily eight feet a man and broad as a cliff side. Their flesh was riddled with holes, raw bullet wounds. Each beast wore cargo pants and military issue boots. They turned their weapons on him.

All of the creatures had a massive tumor like mass on his back. From each tumor like mass stood over twenty guns per beast, rifles, machineguns, all awesome.

Innumerable clicks met Walter's ears. He could use a challenge.

_Planet Sera, Jacinto Temple_

Ash's life fucking sucked. He complained all the time about it. The only time he stopped complaining was when he was having sex with a hot woman or busy killing guys that had an interest in eighty-sixing him.

Sure, he's read the magic words from the unbelievable evil book, The Necronomicon ex Mortis. Loosely translated, the Book of the Dead. Sure, the deadites were all being sucked back into the shithole of a dimension where they came from. But the problem was that as the portal sucked up the deadites, it sucked up him as well.

The damn portal sucked up his chainsaw, his shotgun and even his shoes. With his single hand, Ash screamed as he tried to hold on.

A stray brick struck Ash's hand, breaking his fingers. He didn't even realize what had happened before his hand let go.

Quickly, Ash's loud yells were lost above the sound of the vortex, sucking up everything, good and evil alike.

Ash passed beyond the event horizon and beyond human sight.

The portal winked out of existence, its work finished. And there was no sign of Ash Williams or where he'd gone.

Nothing new in that.

_Nowhere, no time_

Q stood before Alucard. Alucard's abused body had repaired itself, but at break effort. His limbs were thin as noodles and the skin clung to his bones like a layer of paint. His jet mane had fallen out in massive patches. And his eyes glowed the same unnatural shade of red as when Q had explained to him the situation behind his vampirism.

Q was also changed. He had designed to take on the shape of Alucard, red fedora and all. Q's imitation of Alucard was perfect, even Integra could not tell the difference. "I hope you're happy with your choice."

Q's voice was a deep purr, but Alucard's voice was a sand paper hiss, "Happiness hasn't had any real meaning for me in ages. You should know that."

"It hardly matters anymore. Our business is concluded."

Alucard hardly had the energy to raise his eyebrow, "Until the next time you decide to poke your nose where it doesn't belong, am I right?"

Q smirked with Alucard's features, "No, I mean we're _done, _forever. We'll never see each other again. It's the final episode and they're not making any more."

Somehow, that made Alucard afraid. He could not stand Q in any way, but hearing him say that they were _done_, just left him nervous. He should have been jubilant, but maybe it was seeing his own likeness deliver the message in his very own vocal tones.

Alucard had never appreciated how frightening he was, until now that Q wore his face.

Q-card smirked and tipped his great red hat, "Goodbye, Prince Vlad, there is nothing left now."

And in a flash of light, he was gone.

* * *

Thanks for all the people that have reviewed or favorite this. I'm especially grateful that this has been accepted into a community. We're almost done with this. Just the prologue left now and then that's the end of our Hellsing Trek. The final page. It's been a good run, I'll see you then.

Ta :)

Master of the Boot


	19. Finale

Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Nineteen: Finale

Disclaimer: I own none of the registered trademark characters or creatures in this story. This story is purely for leisure and not for profit.

* * *

"_Our business is concluded."_

_Alucard hardly had the energy to raise his eyebrow, "Until the next time you decide to poke your nose where it doesn't belong, am I right?"_

_Disguised as Alucard, Q smirked, "No, I mean we're __**done**__, forever. We'll never see each other again. It's the final episode and they're not making any more."_

Seras opened her eyes. At first she was hesitant to open her pretty blues. After what she'd seen and experienced in the last twenty four hours, she wasn't sure she wanted to have to look at any more alien warriors and bizarre dimensions.

It was exactly as it had been at the start of this little adventure. The doors of the Hellsing conference room were open; she stood there with Pip at her side. Integra sat at one end of the massive conference table while the Queen sat opposite.

Enrico Maxwell looked around confused. Only a moment ago he'd been in his hotel bedroom, miraculously cured of that infernal plague of Q's creation and now he was back in the conference room. He checked his watch; it was even the exact same time as it had been when Alucard arrived!

Sir Islands was very shocked. The last thing he remembered was being fired into orbit on a rocket motor, damn thing nearly gave him a heart attack. As long as he lived, he was never going to be able to read or hear about space exploration again.

Sitting on the conference table was the television monitor that the Major had used to contact them. Of all the people in the room, only he seemed to be brisk and cheery instead of shocked beyond all measure. "That vas quite a ride, nein? That Q, he ist a vild character."

Off the screen there was the sound of sobbing, "Ach, Warrant Officer Schrodinger, cease your veeping. Your _hoden_ are intact again, vhat haff you to complain?"

To everybody else in the room, the Major assured them, "He'll be fine."

Somebody was missing, other than Schrodinger. Alucard wasn't here. His absence was every bit as stunning as each of the wild stunts Q had pulled.

Seras heart jumped into her throat. Where was her master? Had he really taken up Q on his offer? She hoped not. Even though he was a mother grabbing bastard, he was her master and he had saved her on the eve of the slaughter at Cheddar Village.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and team Hellsing was greeted by their star player. There stood Alucard, arrogant as ever and holding a pet carrier that contained a three headed beaver. In no way did he reveal how he truly felt, "What are you all waiting for? Let's get back on track."

_USG Ishimura_

"So what happened next?"

"Hey, who's telling this story, you or me? Just keep your pants on, I'll get to it."

_London, England, Vatican Hotel residence_

Maxwell entered the room; Heinkel was downstairs, getting the car. At last, they could leave this city which had turned its back on God ages ago and was steadily getting worse. He'd seen worse than protestants here, he'd seen unwashed immigrants worshipping heathen gods. The most disgusting sight was of the construction of a mega Mosque. The city was choked with Muslims, Hindus, Jews and other heretics.

If only he were the mayor of this city, Maxwell would take all the non-Christians, herd them all into a stadium and bomb them all.

Maxwell turned as he heard footsteps, it was Yumie. Strange, that side of the berserker nun usually didn't show herself outside of combat.

The berserker nun was always respectful, except now. "Get down on the floor."

Maxwell raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

"I said lie down on the floor, you wop!"

Yumie's anger forced Maxwell to take a step back. Since when did Yumie use such racist language against him? Reluctantly, Maxwell started to get down on the floor.

"On your back, grease ball!"

Startled, Maxwell did not dare argue with a berserker woman who was holding a long, sharp sword.

Several seconds passed when Maxwell hesitantly asked, "Yumie?"

Whatever he wanted to say was cut off as the samurai nun kicked Maxwell in the stones. Maxwell gave a strangled cry as he saw stars and stripes. He curled on himself fetal style, bawling like a baby.

To his great misfortune, Yumie kicked him again in the same spot. She kicked him so hard it was like she was trying to launch his testes into orbit.

She gave him one more kick for good measure and said, "That's for peeping on me, you bastard."

And she left Maxwell to try and comfort his traumatized gonads.

_Millennium base of operations_

"If I vere given the choice to exorcise you or recruit you, vhich option should I take?"

Beetlejuice stood before the Major and a cadre of his best. Zorin scowled at Beetlejuice with all the intensity of Superman's heat vision.

The unhygenic ghost was less than impressed by the Major's choice of words, "Hold onto that though, tubs. 'Cause if you think you're going to exercise me you got another thing coming to you!"

Beetlejuice's teeth gnashed, they were like piano keys, black and white, "You'd better brace yourself for an endless parade of house spray painting, fire bombing, tire slashing, pissing in your meals and dead animals where you sleep! You're going to exorcise me, bring it on!"

Major had to admit, this strange specter had potential. He was disappointing in his rebelliousness and his appalling lack of hygiene but he compensated for it with his unrelenting spirit and blatant disregard for others.

Major wasn't put off by Beetlejuice's threats; the chaotic apparation was firmly locked within a spiritual barrier and wouldn't get out any time soon. "Regardless of how much you rage, it ist my vill alone vhich keeps you from being obliterated, but I see you have potential. You may join me or be cast into the abyss."

The captive ghost laughed, "I don't need your crap, whatever you got, bring it." He turned around and started searching his clothes for a smoke.

The officers of millennium watched as Beetlejuice pulled random objects from his pockets and dropped them, a dead rat, a live snake, a bottle opener, pre-chewed gum and a pair of false teeth stolen from a world leader.

It was lucky that the Major decided to speak when he did, because Beetlejuice was planning to drop his pants and moon his audience. "If you join us, you vill be party to murder and mayhem."

Beetlejuice froze as he finished unbuckling his belt, oh boy. Murder and mayhem were his favorite things in the whole world! He panicked and started arguing with himself. On the one hand, he hated taking orders from anybody, but could he say no to murder and mayhem? God, he hated hard decisions like this.

Finally, Beetlejuice spun around and demanded, "Alright, what's the catch?"

The Major smiled, fiery as this ghost was, he could be manipulated like the rest of the battalion, "First I need to know your qualifications."

What? Qualifications? That was one question that always pissed Beetlejuice off. He began to speak in a cultured voice, "Well, I'm a graduate of the University of British Columbia. I am the author of the Twilight Series. In the middle ages I took a job at the local church where I was assigned the task of castrating twelve year old boys to make castratos and I had a lot of fun doing that. I assassinated two popes and a janitor! When somebody pissed me off once, I killed their family and ate their dog, not to mention that fact that you're talking to a ghost!"

Beetlejuice then shouted, "NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK? Do you think I'm qualified?"

The major brushed aside Beetlejuice's achievements, "I don't care about any of that. Vhat I vant to know, ist can you scare people to death? I vould prefer it if you could scare large numbers of people to death."

Beetlejuice scoffed, could he scare people to death? Could Ted Bundy act like a murderous freak?

"What do you think of this?"

Beetlejuice suddenly turned into something so frightening that even the Captain screamed. Then he changed back, "You like it?"

The Major grinned and intook breath, he'd love to see something like that roving the street of London. "I _love_ it!"

_USG Ishimura_

"Hey, we want to hear about Alucard! What happened to him?"

Ash leaned back in his chair and explained to his audience, "What happened to Alucard? That's a good question. I have no idea what happened to the big red banana."

The one handed hero was currently aboard the USG Ishimura, a deep space mining vessel in the distant future. By his count, Ash had to at least be somewhere in the twenty-sixth century. Upon waking up here, Ash had thought himself to be in some sort of bunker.

First contact with the ship's crew had been rough; a lady with blue hair hit him with some kind of tazer. After initial violence with the crew and a good twenty four hours in the ship's brig, the ship's chief medical officer came to see Ash.

Ash did what any time traveler would have done, he'd told Dr. Keynes the whole story and been branded a lunatic. Specifically, Dr. Keyes had diagnosed Ash as "insane, but harmless."

So, here he was. Since they were God knows how far from anywhere, they had no choice but to keep Ash on their ship. After a period of good behavior, Ash had been allowed to act as clerk for one of the Ishimura's multiple shops, selling and buying all manner of futuristic tools and parts. Really, if you ignored the holograms, it was just like working in a supermarket.

With plenty of free time on his hands, Ash had told his story to anybody that would listen. This group of miners had been listening to Ash's amazing story telling skills for the past half hour.

One of the men, a Native American type fellow named Sam Irons asked Ash, "If you weren't there for all of that stuff, how come you know what happened?"

"Well, as it were, I just happen to be so important that the guy, Q, told me everything from the start and how it happened. Imagine that."

Another crewman, a drop dead gorgeous blond named Nicole Brennan inquired, "But Q didn't tell you what happened to Alucard?"

Ash nodded, "Yeah, he was a bastard, I'd complain but who'd listen? Besides, I'm surrounded by friends now."

A third crewman, Pendleton something or other, told Ash, "I don't make friends with mental patients. Are you taking those meds Doc Keynes gave you?"

Ash was a terrible liar, "Sure, I take them, basically."

Everybody had to leave, all of them had duty in one area of the ship or another. Ash was once more left alone with his clerical duties. It looked like it was going to be a quiet day today, since arriving on planet side for the next job, this part of the ship had been mostly devoid of people.

Shifting aside various boxes of tools, one of the holographic screens flickered on. Dead center of the screen was Q's face. Admittedly, Q and Ash hadn't known each other for long, but Ash was learning to hate the omnipotent being. "Hello, Ash."

Ash set down the box of plasma cutter clips, "Hey, did anybody ever tell you that you're like a dark cloud on a sunny day?"

Q responded with his trademark wit, "Oh, they think it, they think it, they just rarely vocalize it. And speaking of vocalizations, it's almost time."

"Time for what?" Ash honestly didn't want to know. He'd banished the deadites for good this time, he'd actually said the words right for once.

"Time for the screaming to begin," the holoscreen flickered shut along with the ship's main lights. Sure enough, Ash could hear it, the sound of screaming. He hated that noise, it mean that somewhere people were dying, quickly but not painlessly.

Old and painful memories started to rear their ugly heads and Ash began to sweat as the ship's red emergency lights went on.

Whatever was attacking the ship was getting close. Having no choice, Ash forced himself out of his state of panic. Fumbling, Ash popped open the box of plasma charges. Great, he had the charges, now all he needed was the plasma cutter. Of all the times to forgett where the plasma cutter was.

One scream in particular made Ash stiffen with fear. It was right outside the door at the end of the hallway.

The hallway door burst open and a female crewmember ran through screaming. Hot on her heels was something that used to be a fellow crewman.

Since becoming infected, the former crewman had gained a foot in height as well as an extra pair of arms coming from his stomach. The two pairs of the creature's arms ended in long bone blades. The lower jaw had rotted off but the tongue continued to wave and taste the air.

Out of a skull like visage, dead eyes targeted the women. This creature, brought forth from the dead body of a crewman and infected by something from planet side, had only one mission.

One of the necromorph's smaller arms groped outwards and slashed the women's Achilles tendon. Screaming in both fright and agony, the woman fell forward and hit the unyielding deck plates.

From behind her, she screamed louder as the necromorph's arm blade come down like a blur.

That was when there was a low, thudding-

-**BUMPH**!

A thin, wide beam of plasma temporarily ignited the air and severed the necromorph's limb, preventing a killing blow. On the deck, the severed limb twitched and then lay still.

The necromorph looked at the cauterized stump of its left limb and looked confused before turning towards the source of attack.

Ash held the plasma cutter as if it were actually meant to be used as a weapon. The wide barrel of the tool turned ninety degrees, allowing it to cut horizontally instead of vertically. A horizontal cut would be much better for removing heads.

Ash's fear was gone, in its place was cold confidence and hot plasma, "Yo, flood wanna-be, let's go."

_Epilogue_

Alucard sat in his throne, Millennium's attack was imminent, and of that he had no doubts. War would come and nobody knew who was going to come out of that alive.

Ridiculous, he was going to come out of the conflict alive, in a sense. Only he had the will to carry on and forth. It was his will and his tremendous ego which even now would never permit him to die. He'd never die. As long as there was someone or something to kill, he would never die.

He ate pain for breakfast and death for dinner; he was the monster of monsters, the very unstoppable evil.

He was not Q, he was not omniscient and he didn't know exactly how events would play out. Of one thing though he was certain, only the dead had seen the end of what Alucard/Dracula/Vlad could do. And when he was genuinely done, the afterlife would be a lot more crowded.

Alucard drank of the blood bag and toasted. A toast to uncertainty. This is not the end of days, God is not so merciful. The end is not here, not by a long shot.

The end.

_

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Author's note:

_I'd like to take this time to thank all of my repeat reviewers. You have been my meat and potatoes. Stay healthy. I'd like to emphasize that this list is in no particular order._

_EZB_

_Lion in the Land_

_Shallowswan_

_Blacksand1_

_The Shadow Syndicate_

_Haissan_

_Lunatic Pandora1_

_Lady Nightlord_

_Shadow's Nightmare_

To everybody that favorite, thanks for doing so. There will be a sequel to this story called _Hellsing Trek: The Last Vampire_. I won't say when I start on it but I will get around to it eventually. While you're on this sight, check out some of my other works, my oneshots or my epic story _The Big Hellsing: The Forks Affair_.

Ta

Master of the Boot


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